MONDAY, JUNE 14 As even casual readers of this column can attest, Last Days has long been devoted to chronicling the horrifyingly popular trend of parents snuffing out their children. This week, the new millennium's hottest crime surfaced in our own backyard, as a mom in Vancouver, WA, was charged with first-degree murder following the deaths of her two toddler daughters. According to the Seattle Times, Vancouver police first became suspicious of Charlene Dorcy last Saturday evening, when the 38-year-old mother of two called police to report that she had just killed her two daughters. Dorcy then led detectives to a rock pit in Gifford Pinchot National Forest, where police found the fatally-shot bodies of 4-year-old Jessica and 2-year-old Brittney, then booked Mrs. Dorcy in Skamania County jail on two counts of aggravated murder. While Vancouver authorities confirmed that Charlene Dorcy had no previous criminal record, Dorcy's neighbors told the Times of Dorcy's "nervous condition," which the troubled mother described as "social-anxiety illness" and her "disability," and which manifested itself in a permanent high-strungness that occasionally erupted, such as the time she called the police after a 7-year-old neighbor boy had called her fat. (This is true--the cops came, the boy got a lecture on manners, and Dorcy's husband apologized to the neighbors.) Still, nothing could prepare the residents of Vancouver for what was to come, except maybe this: "She asked me what would I think of her, as a Christian, if she killed her kids," said next-door neighbor Crystal Cates to the Times, adding that she contacted state child protective services about Dorcy's bizarre behavior, but was told the agency couldn't intervene unless Cates witnessed physical abuse. While Crystal Cates spends the rest of her life fending off a guilt that is not her due, Charlene Dorcy faces the possibility of becoming the first person in Skamania County to face the death penalty. Stay tuned.

TUESDAY, JUNE 15 Speaking of bad news for kids: Today brought a wealth of news about Michael Jackson, the most fucked-up celebrity in the history of the world, currently facing 10 felony charges related to the sexual molestation of a child. Update #1 involves Jackson's bail, which Jacko's attorneys sought to have lowered from what they denounced as an "excessively steep" $3 million. Fortunately, Santa Barbara County Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville noted that $3 million obviously isn't too steep for the 45-year-old celebrity defendant, as he's posted exactly that amount on two separate occasions. Rejecting Jackson's request for lower bail, Judge Melville ruled that "a cognizable financial incentive" was needed to encourage the jet-setting Jackson to show up for his upcoming trial--a move applauded by prosecutors, who argued against bail reduction by stressing Jackson's bizarrely godlike stature in a number of countries without extradition treaties with the United States. Judge Melville agreed and Jacko's bail remains; still, anyone who thinks Michael Jackson won't happily forfeit $3 million to buy his way out of the American judicial/correctional system and into some Bhutan palace stocked with boy-servants is dumber than LaToya. Update #2 involves the amount of money Jackson paid to "settle" the molestation accusations brought against him in 1993. Previously unknown, today the settlement figure was laid bare by Court TV, which reported that Jacko paid a total of $33 million to make the 1993 charges go away--specifically, a $15 million trust fund for the alleged victim, $3 million for the alleged victim's parents, and $15 million to the boy's attorney--who, in a creepy twist, is also representing the current alleged victim. In the '93 settlement papers, Jackson specifies that the agreement cannot be construed as admission that he acted wrongfully in respect to the minor; however, Jacko did agree to pay for "alleged negligence." Update #3 involves Michael Jackson's upcoming album--yet another "Remember when I wasn't repulsive?" retro-pack of former hits and "fresh" remixes, spread over what E! identified as a "three- or four-CD box set." Tentatively scheduled for release in late August (in advance of his Sept. 13 trial kickoff), Jackson's fifth "greatest hits" collection of the past 10 years will be his final release on Epic Records, thus ending his long-term, high-drama deal with Sony Music, who'd probably release a boxed set of Jackson reading the works of Louisa May Alcott to get that fucking freak out of their hair.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16 Speaking of timely releases: Today brought the dramatic findings of an "independent commission report" on 9/11. At the core of the reports are the confessions of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and Zacarias Moussaoui, two captured al Qaeda operatives who helped plan the Sept. 11 attacks. Spookiest revelation: Before bin Laden scaled down the attack, al Qaeda planned to crash 10 hijacked planes into 10 U.S. targets, including CIA and FBI headquarters and "the tallest buildings in California and Washington." Most damning revelation: the complete lack of evidence that the war-justifying meeting between Mohamed Atta and Iraqi agents in Prague ever took place, handily providing reason #684 for the impeachment of Bush.

THURSDAY, JUNE 17 Speaking of women sucking their own boobs: Today brought a beguiling story from Hot Tipper Kate, who was exiting the convenience store at the corner of Pine and Belmont when her "pleasant afternoon walk in the sunshine turned black and ugly" thanks to a near-collision with a "very burly, very sweaty woman. " According to eye- and ear-witness Kate, the swampy lady then barked out, "This is what it feels like!", after which she removed one of her gigantic breasts from her shirt and stuck it in her mouth. "I work on the Hill and have watched the Humanity Parade march up and down Pine Street for years," writes Kate. "But this self-suckler easily takes first prize in the 'Grossest Person Ever' competition."

FRIDAY, JUNE 18 After two weeks of antagonism and agonized waiting, today a band of al Qaeda militants in Saudi Arabia followed through on their threat to behead an American hostage if the Saudi government refused to free imprisoned al Qaeda operatives. The Saudis refused, and the al Qaeda savages cut off the head of American Paul M. Johnson Jr. , a systems engineer for Lockheed Martin who'd worked in Saudi Arabia for the past 10 years. After posting grisly photos of the beheaded Johnson on an Islamic website, the al Qaeda operatives dumped Johnson's body on the streets of the Saudi capital Riyadh; a few hours later, three of the five operatives were killed in a gun battle.

SATURDAY, JUNE 19 Nothing happened today (unless you count the Ray Charles tribute aired on CNN, which concluded with the jaw-dropping simile comparing attempts to sum up the genius of Ray Charles with "explaining the colors of the rainbow to a blind man").

SUNDAY, JUNE 20 The week ends with the day of the Lord, who has a ton of explaining to do following the tragically accidental deaths of three kids and one adult outside the National Baptist Sunday School convention in Fort Worth, Texas. Details of the fatal fiasco come from the Associated Press, which reports that 39-year-old Myron Dukes, 8-year-old daughter Lauren, 13-year-old son Christopher, and an unnamed 11-year-old family friend had traveled from Chicago to attend the aforementioned Sunday school conference. While visiting the Fort Worth Water Gardens on Wednesday, the two girls fell into a suction-pumped display pool, inspiring both father and son to attempt rescues, and resulting in the drowning deaths of all four participants. Drowning Baptists; God is one sick motherfucker.

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