MONDAY, JULY 19

The week began with Us magazine confirming last week's National Enquirer report that Michael Jackson, the facially dysmorphic musical genius currently facing criminal charges for child molestation, will soon become father to quadruplets, allegedly conceived by the deposed King of Pop and "a Florida actress." Considering Jacko's longstanding habit of supplying the press with bizarre stories--bidding on the Elephant Man's bones, getting to second base with Brooke Shields--only to reject the same stories via publicity-doubling denials, it's no surprise that Jackson's camp has adamantly denied the quadruplet rumor. Also considering the fact that Michael Jackson acquiring additional children is like a junkie inheriting a poppy field, Last Days prays to God that Jackson's denial is true.

TUESDAY, JULY 20

In real news: Today Last Days celebrates a pair of Northwest triumphs. First up is Mary Lokar, the Ferndale, WA native who celebrated her June graduation from the Art Institute of Seattle by winning Student Culinarian of the Year at the 2004 American Culinary Federation national conference in Orlando, FL. On July 19, Ms. Lokar competed against three other young culinarians to prepare a three-course meal--sole Florentine, composed salad, and chicken chasseur--in two hours. As we now know, she won, and those wondering what the work of a young culinary champion tastes like can visit Brasa, where Lokar "assists with appetizers and desserts." Meanwhile, the good folks at the Northwest-based music mag No Depression are happily basking in the love of the Chicago Tribune, whose editors placed the 9-year-old bimonthly at number 20 on their annual list of the 50 best magazines in print. Devoted to "alternative country, whatever that is," No Depression is as crucial an element to the alt-country terrain as Jon Langford and alcoholism, and hurrah for the Trib for taking note.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21

In much worse news: Far too soon after the June 27 gay-bashing of Seattle's Micah Painter, the hideous retro trend of old-school fag-bashing claimed another victim as 28-year-old Adam Conley, a Seattle Men's Chorus member attending an international competition in Montreal, visited the famously cosmopolitan city's gay district, only to be attacked by a half-dozen men hurling gay epithets outside of a popular gay bar. As Conley told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the group of young white men first attacked with their feet and fists--but when Conley felt himself being cut with "some sort of dull metal object," an adrenaline surge shot him to his feet, with which he kicked one of his attackers in the nuts; he then ran back to the well-populated St. Catherine Street. Unfortunately, as Conley told the Seattle Gay News (who ran an uncharacteristically lucid report, written by Robert Raketty), the trauma of the attack was extended by the fact that because of his appearance--bleeding, dazed, his cut clothes falling off him--Conley looked to all observers like a street freak to avoid; after being passed by taxi after taxi, he staggered the 12 blocks back to his hotel, where he collapsed and friends called for help. In the end, good persevered, as the admittedly shaken Conley insisted on taking his bruised-and-bandaged self to perform the next night with the Seattle Men's Chorus. Best wishes to Mr. Conley (who is reported to be doing fine), and beware to those who prey upon outnumbered gays--Adam Conley's nut-kick was the starting shot of the new civil war, wherein fags bash back and bigots get kicked.

THURSDAY, JULY 22

Today brought the release of the 9/11 Commission Report, a deeply damning document exposing the "deep institutional failure" that blinded the U.S. government to the threat of al Qaeda and led to the deaths of nearly 3,000 civilians on American soil. Burdened with the most egregious government oversight in postmodern history, the government blew off steam by banging at the legislative piñata du jour--same-sex marriage, with Republicans in the House of Representatives voting to pass legislation preventing federal courts from ordering states to recognize same-sex marriages sanctioned elsewhere. Rightly recognizing the bill as election-year bullshit, Democrats denounced H.R. 3313 as an unconstitutional attack on gays, lesbians, and the federal judiciary. No denunciation was more eloquent than the prepared floor statement of Washington State Rep. Jay Inslee. "I thought I'd heard everything here, but citing the Dred Scott decision in support of this amendment is like citing the Ku Klux Klan in support of civil rights legislation. This amendment is a Soviet-style attack on American freedom.... It's a first step to tyranny. It ought to be rejected." Thankfully, aides to both Democrats and Republicans told the Associated Press they predict the bill will stall in the Senate. Stay tuned.

FRIDAY, JULY 23

One of the best parts of Last Days' job is editing I, Anonymous, the accountability-free rant space in the lower-left corner of this page. As readers of the column are aware, the targets of I, Anonymous run the gamut--but the past week brought an unprecedented homogeneity: two rants on the same subject--specifically, the nightclub Neumo's, where Anonymous #1 recently attended a show by Camera Obscura. "It was a freaking sweat lodge--no fan, no AC, just a deep fryer that made the 85-degree room smell like Burger King. Shame on you, Neumo's--your obvious greed smells as bad as your fries." The next day brought a second letter. "Maybe I'm just too old to enjoy 100-degree temperatures and masses of people enclosed in a small space with no ceiling fan in sight," wondered Anonymous #2, positing a reasonable solution: "I gave you my money, now go buy a fan." For an inside view, Last Days prodded Neumo's booker Jason, who addressed the dilemma with admirable frankness. "Honestly, we spent all last week searching around for industrial-grade fans, with no luck. Every damn place was sold out." As for the prospect of AC: "By next summer, for sure."

SATURDAY, JULY 24

Nothing happened today (unless you count the Capitol Hill Block Party, which brought street-rocking thrills and flirtations with heat stroke to thousands of outgoing hipsters, or Halle Berry's Catwoman, which sucked Last Days off an oscillating-fan-laden porch into an air-conditioned cinema for what may well be the lamest bad movie of all time. Unlike the mighty Showgirls, which explodes every moment with mind-boggling new life like 10 bad movies fighting to the death, Catwoman barely registers as anything more than a lame video game inexplicably featuring Benjamin Bratt and Mad TV's Alex Borstein, quickly dissolving into a blur of plotless CGI nothingness, leaving us to wonder if Hollywood can sink any lower and if Oscars can be revoked.)

SUNDAY, JULY 25

Nothing happened today (unless you count Lance Armstrong's history-making sixth win of the Tour de France).

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