MONDAY, AUGUST 2 In this age of cruel entertainments, deadly sex, and regrettable war, the arrival of purely good news must be met with open arms and ready presses. And so it is with gratitude that Last Days reports the findings of the recent long-term study published in The Journal of the American Dental Association, which confirmed that rinsing with Listerine® Antiseptic is as effective at reducing plaque and gingivitis in areas between the teeth as flossing. Yes, this seems too good to be true (which is why we ignored months of Listerine® commercials touting the new findings) but true it is. Comparing the effectiveness of 30-second, twice-daily use of Listerine® to once-daily flossing, the study found that Listerine® reduced plaque between the teeth by 20 percent and gingivitis by 11 percent, while flossing led to 3.4 percent and 4.3 percent reductions respectively. Needless to say, the study's findings will revolutionize the lives of those Americans too lazy to floss but energetic enough to berate themselves for not flossing, and should put Pfizer Inc. on the shortlist for the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3 In much worse news: Today a military court at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, convened to begin determining whether Pfc. Lynndie England, the 21-year-old poster girl for prison abuses at Abu Ghraib, should stand trial on 19 counts of prisoner abuse, committing indecent acts, and disobeying orders. Among today's key assertions: that the U.S. soldiers who sexually humiliated Iraqi prisoners were "just joking around," and that any orders reportedly being followed came from no higher than Spc. Charles Graner and Staff Sgt. Ivan Frederick, two of the seven soldiers charged in the Abu Ghraib fiasco, the first of whom is father to Lynndie England's soon-to-be-born baby. By the end of the week, the investigation will be put on indefinite hold, as lawyers for Ms. England will renew their request for witness testimony from top government and military officials, including Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz. Stay tuned, but don't hold your breath.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4 After seven and a half years behind bars for child rape, today Mary K. Letourneau was released from Gig Harbor's Washington Corrections Center for Women. Passing through a throng of news teams, gawkers, and freaks--one of whom brandished a placard reading "I'm 18, baby!"--the world's most famous female child molester was shuttled off to the King County Courthouse, where she registered as a level-two sex offender. Meanwhile, Vili Fualaau--Letourneau's now 21-year-old former victim--filed a motion to vacate the no-contact order that was part of Letourneau's sentencing, claiming he "does not fear Mary K. Letourneau" and noting the absence of "forcible compulsion" in a case whose sole criminal basis was Fualaau's age. Neatly ignoring the 2002 civil suit in which the vacillatingly victimized Fualaau charged the Des Moines Police Department and the Highline School District with failing to protect him from a sexual predator, King County prosecutors will agree to lift the contact ban on Friday, clearing the way for the legal continuation of the Northwest's most gripping love saga since Kurt & Courtney. "If we are so blessed to continue a relationship, and if that's what he wants, for him I would," Letourneau told KOMO TV. After seven years in prison, during which she reportedly sang in the choir and recorded books-on-tape for the blind (!), 42-year-old Letourneau "has a personal need to get back together with [Fualaau], to prove to the world this is a love story and not a crime story," said author Gregg Olsen to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "Part of Mary Letourneau will never let go of this love." As for her on-again/off-again student/lover/victim (and father to two of her children), Vili Fualaau has had enough time to realize that, to a large majority of the world's dating pool, he's either "that freak who fucked his teacher!" or a pitiable rape victim, and there's little surprise in his falling back into the arms of the woman he once banged in his junior-high restroom. Still, if Fualaau and Letourneau are determined to force history to remember their union as love not crime, more power to 'em.

-- Speaking of deviants making a play for the mainstream: Today brought a wealth of activity around gay marriage, with one great step forward (as King County Superior Court Judge William L. Downing granted same-sex couples the right to marry, ruling that the denial of marriage rights to gays is a violation of due process) and one desperate step back (as 71 percent of Missouri voters supported a state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage).

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5 Proving that the U.S. doesn't have a monopoly on horrific child abuse, today the Associated Press reported the horrific story of Xu Heping, the 51-year-old gatekeeper at a Beijing kindergarten who attacked a playground full of children with a kitchen knife. After locking the playground's gates, gatekeeper Xu went after the school's 23 students and five teachers; by the time police subdued him, Xu had knifed three of the teachers and 16 of the students, killing one and leaving the rest "terrorized and covered in blood."

-- Proving that Americans will not be outdone when it comes to crazy: Today in Monroe, WA, a 58-year-old grandfather took his 5-year-old grandson to the parking lot of the local police station, where the despondent grandpa--identified as Roy Hetherwick, a recently laid-off insurance worker--used a semi-automatic handgun to shoot the young boy twice in the head before turning the gun on himself. Adding insult to injury, the world's worst babysitter left a note--recounted by the Seattle Times as "basically saying he didn't believe he could take care of the child anymore and didn't think any other family member could either." Deep condolences to the Chinese schoolchildren who lost a mate and gained a lifelong phobia of gatekeepers, and extra deep condolences to the survivors of Grandpa Blastypants, who'll spend forever imagining the five billion ways things might have played out differently.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6 As cognizant citizens are aware, some sick fuck is running around Seattle setting things on fire. Early this morning the blaze craze made the leap from freaky news item worth a bemused read to life-threatening epidemic that must be stopped, by affecting someone we know--Scott Giampino, beloved cog of the local music scene, who, along with his wife and three-year-old son, awoke to find the family's Lake Forest Park home on fire. Blessedly, the family escaped unharmed; not so blessedly, they lost nearly everything else--two cats, countless possessions, and their home. Thankfully, the good-citizen Giampinos are fully insured, and will eventually be able to replace most of their lost possessions. In the meantime, an account has been set up at U.S. Bank for donations to help ease the suck-ass transition from motel to furnished apartment and beyond. Donations to "The Giampino Fund" can be made at any local U.S. Bank branch.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7 After a lifetime of giving us that stuff, that funky stuff, yesterday Rick James died; in an endlessly hilarious twist, today the hard-partying funk legend's death was attributed to natural causes. He was 56.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8 Nothing happened today (unless you count the anti-humanity howl of the Blue Angels as they schooled the NASCAR masses in top-flight American blitzkrieg).

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