David Schmader is out this week.
MONDAY, MAY 5 This week of constitutional Satan worship and murderers in the mood for love kicks off at the US Supreme Court, which ruled 5–4 today that government officials are allowed to open public meetings with prayer, which basically spells good news for pushy Christians. The case was prompted by the town of Greece, New York. As Reuters reports: "Although the policy in Greece, a town of 100,000 people, does not embrace a particular religion, all members of the public who gave a prayer were Christians until two residents filed suit in 2008. Some of the prayers featured explicitly Christian references, including mentions of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit." Out of 120 meetings, only four opening prayers in Greece were non-Christian.
TUESDAY, MAY 6 The week continues with the fatal shooting of Pearlie Golden, a 93-year-old Texas woman neighbors describe as "fragile," who was shot three times by a police officer in her home after she allegedly refused to put down a handgun. Golden's nephew, Roy Jones, tells KBTX-TV that his aunt failed her driving test earlier that day and, when he wouldn't give her the keys to the car, she became angry and got out a .38 caliber revolver. "The Hearne Police Department said in a written statement that Golden 'brandished a firearm' when [Officer Stephen] Stem encountered her. He then shot her multiple times," reports the Associated Press, which also reports this was the second time Officer Stem has fatally shot a suspect since joining the police force in the unfortunate community of Hearne. As CBS News will report later this week, dozens of residents will march on the Hearne Police Department on Thursday, where the town's longtime mayor will recommend that Officer Stem be fired, and on Saturday afternoon, the city council will vote to terminate the officer. "There's no justification," William Foster, a 64-year-old retired neighbor told reporters. "Any police officer would know not to kill a 93-year-old fragile woman when they could have backed off. She was no threat to him." Stem had been on administrative leave while the Texas Rangers investigated the woman's death.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 Nothing happened today except for a tweet from First Lady Michelle Obama increasing international pressure for Nigerian authorities to rescue roughly 200 schoolgirls who've been held captive by extremists since April 14. "Our prayers are with the missing Nigerian girls and their families. It's time to #BringBackOurGirls," FLOTUS tweeted.
THURSDAY, MAY 8 Embracing Monday's Supreme Court ruling, today a Florida man asked to open a public meeting with an invocation to Satan, Lord of the Underworld. In a letter to his hometown of Deerfield Beach, Chaz Stevens writes:
With the recent US Supreme Court ruling allowing "prayer before Commission meetings" and seeking the rights granted to others, I hereby am requesting I be allowed to open a Commission meeting praying for my God, my divine spirit, my Dude in Charge.
Be advised, I am a Satanist. Let me know when this is good for you.
Chaz Stevens, Calling in from Ring 6 of Dante's Inferno
Stevens told the Broward/Palm Beach New Times that he converted to satanism because "Satan is a cool dude." He added: "I just want equal billing. We allow various religious nutjobs to give a prayer... Why discriminate against one make-believe god over another?"
FRIDAY, MAY 9 Speaking of the unholy, today Walmart, North America's premier outlet for peddling discount items to the masses, announced that customers may soon be able to purchase cheap divorces or draft wills while they shop. Some Walmarts in Toronto are adding simple legal consultations to their sea of bargain services, and the pilot program could expand to the United States. "A lot of people are intimidated by lawyers," Lena Koke, a partner of Walmart's unfortunately named Axess Law, told the Toronto Star. "This is a nonintimidating setting."
SATURDAY, MAY 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count Turkish bachelor Sefer Çalnak's televised quest for love on Ne Çkarsa Bahtna (The Luck of the Draw), which was cut short when Çalnak casually admitted killing his first wife and a former lover, "stressing that he was now an 'honest person looking for a new wife,'" reports the Hurriyet Daily News. Çalnak explained to the shocked dating-game host that he killed his first spouse, his cousin Fadime, after "her behavior changed. The nephew of the man who wanted to marry her started to come to our village. I was jealous and I killed her, in a way," Çalnak said. He served four-and-a-half years of a nearly 14-year prison sentence before being released. Hurriyet Daily News reports, "He then had an affair with a woman who was already married and who had promised to divorce her husband for him, but Çalnak said she went back on her word. 'I killed her after she attempted to kill me. She was accidentally killed when I swung the ax,' he said." Çalnak has solemnly sworn not to kill his next partner.
SUNDAY, MAY 11 Today was Mother's Day, the day decent people honor women for allowing generations of human beings to live rent-free in their bodies for months at a time.