MONDAY, AUGUST 3 The week kicks off with a twisty tale of betrayal, revenge, and Krazy Glue straight out of Wisconsin, where a quartet of women stand accused of brutalizing a man who allegedly wronged them. Details come from the Daily Mail, which identifies the alleged victim as a 36-year-old man lured into a trap set by his wife and his alleged lovers: "The attack took place after Therese Ziemann, 48, lured [the man] to a motel in Chilton, Wisconsin, with the promise of a massage. [The man] voluntarily allowed himself to be tied to the bed and blindfolded. As he lay prone on the bed, Ziemann opened the motel room door and two other women, Wendy Sewell, 43, and Michelle Belliveau, 43, burst in." According to the police report, the bound man's underpants were cut off with scissors before a tube of Krazy Glue was liberally applied to his wang. The man also told police that Ms. Ziemann pointed a gun at his head and genitals and punched him in the face. The alleged mastermind behind the ambush: the man's wife, Tracy Hood-Davis, who reportedly contacted her ex-husband's mistresses, alerted them of their overlapping love interest, and laid out her plan for revenge. All four women were arrested and charged with felony false imprisonment, with Ziemann facing an additional charge of sexual assault. On Thursday, the victim will join his alleged attackers in legal hot water, as the glued philanderer is charged with a variety of crimes, including felony child abuse (for allegedly beating his young daughters) and misdemeanor theft (for allegedly stealing the ashes of his estranged wife's dead father).
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4 In much better news, the week continues in North Korea, where this morning, Bill Clinton met with Kim Jong-il to secure the pardons of Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the American journalists who were researching a story on human trafficking in North Korea when they were arrested for allegedly entering the country illegally and sentenced to 12 years of hard labor. Today, Kim announced he was granting the women amnesty; tomorrow, both will be safely home. Congratulations, Ling and Lee, and good work, Clinton.
•• Speaking of presidents who promised lots but delivered little to gay Americans: Today, Barack Obama turned 48 years old. Also born today: American musical treasure Louis Armstrong and world's biggest butt-hole Billy Bob Thornton.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5 In much worse news: Today, America woke up to the horrendous story of the gun-fueled bloodbath at a gym outside Pittsburgh, where last night a well-prepared psycho fatally shot three women and injured nine more before killing himself. The gunman: George Sodini, a 48-year-old computer analyst with dating problems and a deadly hatred of women. The motives for Sodini's massacre are thoroughly and creepily explicated in his writings and YouTube videos. "I actually look good," wrote Mr. Sodini in a 2008 journal entry. "I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne—yet 30 million women rejected me" (see Savage Love, page 71). To hell with George Sodini, who reportedly spent months planning his massacre and who is the worst kind of psycho—a self-pitying monster. Condolences to the family and friends of the victims—46-year-old Heidi Overmier, 49-year-old Elizabeth Gannon, and 37-year-old Jody Billingsley, three women who didn't know Sodini and who only wanted to get through their goddamn Tuesday-night Latin Impact aerobics class.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count the amazing gathering of police and suspected drug dealers at Seattle's Langston Hughes Performing Arts Center (see page 13), the swearing-in of Sonia Sotomayor as the third female and first Hispanic U.S. Supreme Court justice, or the sudden and sad death of John Hughes, the American filmmaker responsible for the beloved comedies Ferris Bueller's Day Off and National Lampoon's Vacation, the generation-defining teen dramedies The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink, and weird other stuff like Curly Sue (see page 57).
FRIDAY, AUGUST 7 The week continues with a death-defying extravaganza on the streets of Seattle: the 2009 Dead Baby Bicycle Race, in which a bazillion two-wheeled thrill-seekers in various states of intoxication race through the city en route to a street party in Georgetown for bands, booze, and—dear God—tall-bike jousting. Congratulations to all the survivors.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 8 In worse news, today brought the midair collision of a sightseeing helicopter and a single-engine plane over New York's Hudson River, an accident that left nine people dead. In better news, tonight brought Viva VHS to Seattle's Northwest Film Forum, an event featuring a well-curated collection of delights from the VHS archives of Scarecrow Video (antidrug PSAs, celebrity rapping, casual '80s racism) that left a couple hundred people happy and exhausted.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 9 The week ends with a stunningly odd story out of Florida, which commenced earlier this year when a woman in Melbourne placed a Craigslist ad offering her child-care services. As Florida Today reports, this ad caught the attention of a man who inquired if the woman knew any special-needs caregivers, as he had a developmentally disabled brother in need of day care. Before long, the woman was taking care of the caller's 40-year-old brother, who for four months spent his days watching cartoons and playing video games at the woman's house, where she would bottle-feed him and change his diapers. Unfortunately, as the woman eventually found out, the caller and the "disabled" brother were one and the same—a 40-year-old "adult baby"/diaper fetishist who FT is not identifying because he hasn't been charged with anything. "It's a weird case," said Sheriff's Lt. Tod Goodyear to FT. "It's really on a borderline of possibly being a fraud. He is perpetrating something there because he's doing it under a false pretense." Meanwhile, the alleged victim is hoping to throw the book at her would-be passive molester: "I consented to change his diapers, but I legitimately thought this man needed help," she said to FT. "How can that not be a crime for him to come into my house and expose himself?" Florida authorities are trying to figure it out.