MONDAY, JANUARY 3 The week begins with a burst of righteous anger from a heartening source: Essence, the black women's lifestyle magazine, whose editors have announced a long-overdue war on hiphop misogyny. Explicated by writer/scholar Stanley Crouch in today's New York Daily News, the Essence campaign was launched after editors held a group listening session. "We found the rap lyrics astonishing, brutal, misogynistic," said editor Diane Weathers. "So we said we were going to pull no punches, especially since women were constantly being assaulted." This assault is well illuminated by Crouch: "The elevation of pimps and pimp attitudes creates a sadomasochistic relationship with female fans. They support a popular idiom that consistently showers them with contempt. We are in a crisis, and Essence knows it." After last spring's demonstrations at Atlanta's Spelman College--where a campus full of young women (supported by their male peers at Morehouse) cancelled a performance by Nelly over his standard-issue "gangsta" treatment of women in songs and videos, "we realized that… it was time," says editor Weathers. "Women were no longer going to sit still." Praising Essence as "the first powerful presence in the black media with the courage to examine the cultural pollution that is too often excused because of the wealth it brings to knuckleheads and amoral executives," Crouch closes his editorial with tempered hope: "Things are getting hot. This is a beginning that has been a long time coming, and it is good to see it all forming naturally with the women in the lead."

•• Speaking of leading women: Today brought news of the death of Shirley Chisholm, the first black woman to serve in Congress and the first woman of any hue to seek the Democratic presidential nomination, who passed away Saturday night at the age of 80.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 4 Today brought even more heartening news, as Nielsen confirmed dismal ratings for last night's broadcast of Who's Your Daddy?, the Fox reality special in which a female adoptee attempted to identify her birth father from among seven imposters to win $100,000. Luring a paltry 6.5 million viewers, the widely denounced Fox special ranked fourth in its time slot, confirming that even reality TV viewers will only sink so low. (Until Sunday.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5 Today we check in on the slow-motion suicide that is the Michael Jackson investigation. First up are last week's accusations of skeezy dealings by the mother of Jackson's 13-year-old accuser, who allegedly exploited her son's battle with cancer for personal profit. According to Celebrity Justice, the boy's mom solicited and accepted $965 in donations for her son's medical treatments, despite all costs being covered by the family's medical insurance. According to Last Days: Big whoop. You think it's a good mom that hands her pubescent son over to Michael Jackson in 2002? Still, Jacko's lawyers have rightfully rallied around the creepy allegations, as such seemingly damning discrepancies are sure to be at the center of the Jackson defense. Meanwhile, today the popular crime website The Smoking Gun offered a smorgasbord of icky details about the alleged fruits of the police raids on Neverland. Drawing on "confidential law enforcement and government reports, grand jury testimony, and sealed court records provided by sources," The Smoking Gun's steamy document provides the most graphic collection of details yet released about the Jackson investigation, painting Neverland as a private boys' club of porn, booze, and soiled unmentionables. Worse, Jacko had a fondness for nicknames, dubbing his 13-year-old accuser "Doo-Doo Head" and the boy's younger brother "Blow-Hole." Yes, this is allegedly true. No, it couldn't be more upsetting. Stay tuned.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 6 Today brought two of Last Days' key obsessions--diabolical parents and original recipe Law & Order--together in one dumb story, as a Houston appeals court overturned the capital murder convictions of baby-drowning mom Andrea Yates, because of a nonexistent episode of Law & Order. Details on the courtroom shocker come from the Associated Press: During Yates' murder trial, psychiatrist Park Dietz testified as a witness for the prosecution. During his testimony, Dr. Dietz mentioned a Law & Order episode about a woman who drowned her children, only to be found innocent by reason of insanity. Testifying that the episode aired shortly before Yates drowned her five kids, Dietz seemed to corroborate other evidence indicating that Yates was a Law & Order viewer. Unfortunately, after jurors found Yates guilty and sentenced her to life in prison, attorneys learned that no such Law & Order episode existed. (If our L&O memory serves us well, an episode about a kid-drowning mom who pleads innocent by reason of insanity does exist, but doesn't end as Dr. Dietz claimed: The mom is found guilty, with her ability to remove herself from her sinking car of kids presented as evidence of a mind functioning well enough to save itself.) Whatever the story, today's appeals court determined that Dr. Dietz's erroneous testimony could have affected the judgment of the jury and overturned all three of Andrea Yates' murder convictions. Now the case returns for a new trial, while prosecutors appeal the appeal.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 7 Nothing happened today, unless you count the ruling by federal Judge Denny Chin, who ordered Pfizer Inc. to stop claiming that Listerine is as effective at reducing plaque and gingivitis between teeth as flossing. "Pfizer's implicit message that Listerine can replace floss is false and misleading," ruled Judge Chin, specifying that Pfizer based its findings on studies of people who did not use floss properly, and forcing Last Days to apologize for reporting the too-good-to-be-true findings in the first place.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8 Speaking of idiotic mistakes: Today the U.S. military acknowledged dropping a 500-pound GPS-guided bomb on the wrong house in Iraq. Reportedly meant for the home of "an anti-Iraqi force cell leader," the bomb instead hit a private residence, claiming a contested number of lives. Military officials say five, while the owner of the home (backed up by an Associated Press photographer/ eyewitness) says 14, including seven children.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9 In much lighter news: The week ends with a flourish of horribleness from the wilds of cable TV. First came the accumulating horror brought by the wealth of tone-deaf tsunami-related programming, from Nickelodeon's broadcast of the kiddy beach flick Johnny Tsunami to TNT's broadcast of the George Clooney/Mark Wahlberg vehicle The Perfect Storm to USA's broadcast of the most unfortunately titled Kate Bosworth surf movie Blue Crush. But all was obliterated by the mind-blowing parade of horror that was tonight's premiere episode of The Surreal Life 4, the VH1 series that crams six faded celebrities into one tricked-out house for the voyeuristic delight of the nation. Past Surreal Life seasons have provided plenty of thrills, but season three scored more shock points in its first episode than all prior seasons combined. Head of the class: Verne Troyer, the minus-sized actor best known as Austin Power's Mini-Me, who spent the first episode getting so fucking drunk he began to resemble a rotting pumpkin. After being carried to bed by a sympathetic Christopher "Peter Brady" Knight, the alcohol-poisoned Troyer reemerged on his little-person scooter, which the buck-naked dwarf drove into a wall before mistakenly urinating in the corner. If civilizations get the entertainment they deserve, we are doomed to Hell, and the trip there is going to be horribly, horribly hilarious.

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