MONDAY, JANUARY 17 Ben Exworthy's week began with a morning visit to a clinic in Tacoma (the city where Ben lives), where a psychiatrist interpreted scanned images of Ben's brain. After the doctor confirmed what Exworthy already knew ("My brain's 'seen toxic exposure'--imagine!"), Ben picked up Brit, his girlfriend of four months and counting, with whom he ate lunch at a Subway before driving from Tacoma to Seattle. After an alleged quickie at Brit's apartment, Ben drove Brit to the First Hill food bank where she volunteers, using the travel time to denounce his beloved for the nasty amount of hair in her sink. Afterward, Ben went to his own job at GameHouse, the company he built and ran with his friend Garr before selling it last year to Real Networks for $36 million. "No one was there," said Ben of GameHouse's Pioneer Square headquarters (where Exworthy will retain an office, title, and job for at least the next two years). "That's because it was a holiday," said Ben of MLK Monday, "No matter what my redneck kin in Ohio think."
TUESDAY, JANUARY 18 Upon awaking to a molestation in progress, Ben rallied to the occasion and chased Brit around her First Hill apartment naked, flashing an undisclosed number of passersby with their cumulative nudity. After a couple hours at work, Ben had a lunch meeting at Grand Central Bakery with Andy (who's single, ladies) from the Static Factory, to bandy about various schemes and projects and eat some yummy chicken gumbo. After work, Ben met up with Brit. The pair had an argument, called their future into question, then had some tea, dedicated their lives to each other anew, and almost had sex in the rain outside of FX McRory's. Then Ben zipped off to dinner and drinks at the Alibi Room with his dear friend Bevin." After a couple glasses of wine, a couple shots of Maker's Mark, salmon, ahi, edamame, and asparagus that made his pee smell, Ben met up again with Brit. The pair drove to Tacoma where Ben tried to remember to put out the garbage, but failed.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19 After waking in a panic over his lack of preparation for garbage day, Ben successfully got his overflowing cans to the curb, then drove with Brit back to Seattle, where she went to her apartment and he went to work. Then came lunch, when Ben joined his friend Garr for a sickeningly filling meal of an underdone pepperoni pizza. Despite the wad of dough in his gut, Ben couldn't resist an afternoon cupcake from Zeitgeist Coffee, whose deliciousness drove him to poetry. "I have long theorized that the cupcakes they obtain must be created by meth addicts," theorizes Ben. "The level of detail on each of the diminutive delicacies must render them an instant profit loss. Sometimes they have candied lilac blossoms adorning their tiny crowns, sometimes itty-bitty portraits on each. Astounding, I tell you."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 20 Today Ben reported nothing of interest, so instead we subjected him to a barrage of questions. Question 1: All $12,000-worth of his Strangercrombie purchases were bought using the eBay user name "Scodyardmouthdownoffrog"--what the hell does that mean? "It's something my ex-girlfriend Kelly blurted out in her sleep," reports Ben, who never learned what the phrase was supposed to mean. "But I wrote it down immediately, and I've never forgotten it." Question 2: Horrible child abuse is a hallmark of Last Days--what's the worst thing you've ever done to a kid? "I've never done anything bad to a kid as an adult," Ben alleges. "But what about kid-on-kid? The 4th of July when I was 11, this kid said disparaging things about my sister, so I lit an entire pack of firecrackers and shoved them down the front of his pants, then held him down while they went off." Question 3: What did you think of Bush's second inaugural address? "I didn't hear it," Ben revealed, at which point Last Days handed him a transcript of Dubya's terrifying masterwork of Godly name-dropping and take-no-prisoners imperialism, forcing Mr. Exworthy to read the whole thing while we watched. Afterward, Ben was properly galled. "We're doomed," said Ben, who then led us to Marcus' Martini Heaven for some pre-Armageddon booze.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 21 "Today I woke up at 5:30, drove to Seattle, and was in the office by about 8:00," says Ben. "For lunch I met Monica Ramsey, development director of KEXP, and my good friend Loren Schwartz (who's also single, ladies) at Cafe Campagne, where I spent lunch attempting to get around FCC rules for airing voice spots for the following week. As it turns out, Monica has integrity, something I wasn't counting on, and I had to content myself with having someone else read MY sponsorship segments. After JOKINGLY screaming at a woman with a fussy baby to 'PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT CHILD!!!!!' we were asked by our waitress never to return. Ha--like they ever check ID. That's the third time I've heard it there." In the evening, Ben and Brit drove to Tacoma, for what Ben described as "a sweet, romantic argument, a movie rental, some laundry, some role-playing, and some sex."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 22 Hot question: What do goofy young gazillionaires do on weekends? Hot answer: Get up early to help their friends build carports and unload moldy tarps in Duvall, WA. After Ben's morning chores, Ben and Brit drove to Seattle, where the pair wandered around Fremont and Ben bought $87 worth of ugly ties. For dinner, they went to El Camino, where Ben enjoyed some delicious enchiladas en mole without being castigated by his waitress. Later that night, the pair went to see Seksu Roba, Evolution Control Committee, and the Bran Flakes at the Catwalk. "After the show, Brit and I went to Dick's for a universally traditional 1:30 a.m. overindulgence of grease and salt," says Ben, adding, "No sex occurred this evening."
SUNDAY, JANUARY 23 The week of Ben Exworthy ends with a properly lazy Sunday. After being waked by the Catholic bells a-chiming on First Hill, Ben and Brit either had an argument or sex--"I can't remember which," says Ben--then laid around for another hour watching an infomercial about really cool ladders. Later, they went to a sports pub for lunch, where Ben almost got the shit kicked out of him for using a TV-B-Gone to silence the seven TVs showing the game. "Really," says our man Exworthy, "How can you think it's NOT worth the ass-kicking?"
Indeed. Those interested in Ben's friends, e-mail singlefriends@benexworthyswebsite.com
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