MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Love bloomed early this week with Valentine's Day, the most diabolical of the invented holidays, best commemorated by today's indictment of Gerald D. Krein Jr. , the 26-year-old Oregon man accused of planning his own Valentine's Day massacre by allegedly attempting to organize a mass V-Day suicide over the Internet. As Klamath County investigators told the Associated Press, Mr. Krein has a history of suicide suggestion, having encouraged women to kill themselves on Valentine's Day for the past four years. Prospective corpses were solicited in cyberspace, with web-geek Krein reportedly e-mailing random women with questions--"Do you think of suicide? Do you want to die with others?"--then inviting interested parties to die in a group at his home or commit suicide en masse over the Internet. Upon his arrest last Wednesday, Krein told police he'd been in contact with 31 women about this year's plan, with investigators tracking down five of Krein's female friends from across the U.S. and Canada. Today a pair of sheriff's deputies kept watch on Krein's house to catch any suicidal stragglers, while Mr. Krein was charged with one count of solicitation to commit murder and four counts of solicitation to commit manslaughter.
•• Speaking of love sweet love: Today brought confirmation of the forthcoming nuptials of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, the trans-generational lovebirds (she's 43, he's 22) who'll set aside their contentious history as teacher-student/rapist-victim by becoming man and wife on April 16. "It's long overdue," said a friend of the couple to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. "That they lasted this long proves how strong their love is."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15 Today Last Days turns to the hottest threat to American well being this side of Islamo-fascism: crystal meth. Our first story comes from KING 5, where reporters wrangled with the legal discrepancies driving Oregon tweakers to the meth-friendlier waters of Washington State. The migration began back in November, when Oregon instituted new strictures on the sale of meth's key ingredients, requiring stores to check ID for the purchase of pseudoephedrine cold pills, which would now be secured behind pharmacy counters. But in nearby Washington, the meth-making pills are sold fast and easy, with the only restriction a state law limiting buyers to three boxes a day. But as KING 5 found, the law is easy to tweak: Using hidden cameras, reporters watched a couple move from store to store in Pierce County, buying nine boxes of cold tablets from five stores. (Upon their arrest for unlawful possession with intent to manufacture methamphetamine, the pair was found to have drugs, cash, and a map to stores well stocked with cold tablets.) On Friday, State Senator Jim Kastama will pitch fellow lawmakers in Olympia on adopting Oregon's common-sense cold-pill restrictions as our own. Meanwhile on the national front, House lawmakers are pushing for federal research into one of meth's secondary dangers--contaminated homes where meth was cooked. As the Associated Press reports, the cooking of meth can leave a coating on walls, floors, and ventilation systems, with kids capable of receiving a prescription-level dose of the drug just by rubbing their hands on the walls; House bill 798 would develop national standards for the cleaning of former meth labs. Finally on Sunday, Washington Senator Maria Cantwell will introduce another meth bill, which would provide $800 million over five years to help states fight the meth war. Considering President Bush's plans to cut federal meth funding in half, Sen. Cantwell has a good fight on her hands. Considering the above info about residual meth saturation, expect tonguing the walls of contaminated meth sites to be spring's hottest tweaker fad.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16 Attentive readers will recall the saga of Dr. Charles Momah, the South Seattle gynecologist whose alleged shenanigans at his practices in Burien and Federal Way led to his indictment last fall on charges of insurance fraud, indecent liberties, and rape. However, last week the Momah saga took a completely fucked-up turn, as Seattle lawyer Harish Bharti filed a complaint in King County Superior Court, representing six female patients of Charles Momah who claim they were sometimes tricked into being examined, operated on, and sexually fondled by Dr. Momah's identical twin brother. Details on the Cronenbergian allegations come from Reuters, which identifies brother Dennis Momah as a general practitioner, certified in neither obstetrics nor gynecology. Despite this lack of training, and unbeknownst to Dr. Charles Momah's patients, Dennis Momah was allegedly allowed to attend to patients at his twin brother's clinics, where, according to the court filing, Dr. Dennis carried on Dr. Charles' alleged habit of performing unnecessary procedures, botching operations, and committing sexual assault. On May 9, Dr. Charles Momah goes to trial on his existing criminal charges, for which he faces up to 23 years behind bars. Stay tuned for the second round of charges, hashing out the whos-and-whats of the alleged identity-swapping twin gyno-psychos.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Speaking of legal shenanigans: Today Last Days learned of a klutzy misquote that appeared in this column the week before last. The subject: The VH1 news special Michael Jackson's Secret Childhood, which we praised as a pornographically exciting, deeply presumptuous journey into Jacko's psychological history. The problem: Our "representative sample" didn't actually appear in the show, as we learned in a note from the show's writer/producer David Greene. "The phrase 'At this point, Michael's psyche was in shards' NEVER appears in [the show]," writes good-sport Greene. "I worked hard--and was legally required--to make this show only semi-presumptuous. Please retract your quote, and feel free to cite any of the actual salacious and inflammatory (but carefully parsed, and legally vetted) lines in the show." Dear Mr. Greene: Your wish is our command. Please consider our previous quote retracted, and replaced by the quote about how Jackson's brazenly bizarre childhood "may have flipped a switch in Michael's psyche."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18 Another week, another rain of blood in Iraq. As Shiites marked the eve of Ashoura--the 10th day of the Islamic holy month of Muharram, and the holiest day of the year for Shiites--suicide bombers killed more than 27 people and wounded dozens more at two Shiite mosques and a religious procession. However, today's carnage can't compare to last year's Ashoura commemorations, when blasts killed at least 181 people at Shiite Muslim shrines in Baghdad and Karbala, so cheer up.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19 Nothing happened today, unless you count Iraq's blood-soaked Ashoura (with eight suicide bombings killing at least 50 people, following Friday's bloodshed) or the creepiest rape story since last year's consensual-rape-fantasy-executed-at-the-wrong-apartment fiasco, in which a woman in Quincy, Massachusetts identified the masked man who raped her by his bad breath. According to the Associated Press, the woman recognized the halitosis of her boss, 36-year-old restaurant manager Tuen Lee; DNA tests soon confirmed the victim's suspicions, and the foul-mouthed Lee was arrested and charged with three counts of aggravated rape.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Nothing happened today, unless you count the self-inflicted gunshot wound that ended the life of seminal gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson tonight at age 67.
Send Hot Tips to firstname.lastname@example.org.