MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10 This week of voluminous horror and one giant achievement in space exploration kicks off with Bill Cosby, the legendary American comedian who’s weathering a legacy-staining season of outrage, thanks to renewed interest in the dozen-plus allegations of sexual assault made against the Jell-O-hawking funnyman since the 1970s. First made public in 2005 by an alleged victim who told her story on the Today show and whose lawsuit cited 13 other alleged victims, the allegations against Cosby remained settled out of court and pretty much off the public’s radar until recently, thanks in part to Dylan Farrow, whose re-accusation of Woody Allen for sexual abuse inspired discussion of “Why does Bill Cosby get a pass?” which inspired discussion of “What are you talking about?” which inspired rampant googling of “Bill Cosby rape allegations” and brought us to where we are today. Also helping: comedian Hannibal Buress, who revived the allegations for the internet masses last month with a comedy set in Philadelphia that soon went viral. “And it’s even worse because Bill Cosby has the fucking smuggest old black man public persona that I hate,” said Buress. “Pull your pants up, black people. I was on TV in the ’80s. I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom. Yeah, but you raped women, Bill Cosby. So, brings you down a couple notches. I don’t curse on stage. Well, yeah, you’re a rapist, so, I’ll take you sayin’ lots of motherfuckers on Bill Cosby: Himself if you weren’t a rapist.” Which brings us to today, when Cosby—or, more likely, the team that the 77-year-old Cosby pays to oversee his social-media presence—took to Twitter to unveil a new creation: the Bill Cosby meme generator. “Go ahead. Meme me!” tweeted @BillCosby this morning, directing followers to helpful suggestions of Cosby meme generation. (Representative example: A photo of Cosby doing his patented “yummy” face, overlaid with the words “Nom Nom Nom I Love Cookies!”)
Thus was born one of the great social-media failures of the decade, as seemingly everyone who gaped in shock and awe at Buress’s set on YouTube hit the Cosby meme generator to riff on the allegations of sexual assault. (Representative example: Another photo of Cosby doing his patented “yummy” face, this time while enjoying cake, and overlaid with the words “Remember When I Ate Cake? Let’s Remember the Cake Times Instead of the Rape Stuff.”)
On Thursday, one of Cosby’s accusers will take to the pages of the Washington Post to tell her side of the story. “Last month, when reporter Lycia Naff contacted me for an interview for the Daily Mail, I gave her a detailed account. I told her how Cosby won my trust as a 17-year-old aspiring actress in 1985, brainwashed me into viewing him as a father figure, and then assaulted me multiple times,” writes Barbara Bowman. “Only after a man, Hannibal Buress, called Bill Cosby a rapist in a comedy act last month did the public outcry begin in earnest.” Bowman tracks this public outcry to its apex with Cosby’s massive “Meme me!” Twitter fail, after which she gets prescriptive: “Fixing this problem demands more than public shaming. For Cosby to commit these assaults against multiple victims over several years, there had to be a network of willfully blind wallflowers at best, or people willing to aid him in committing these sexual crimes at worst. As I told the Daily Mail, when I was a teenager, his assistants transported me to hotels and events to meet him. When I blacked out at Cosby’s home, there were several staffers with us. My agent, who introduced me to Cosby, had me take a pregnancy test when I returned from my last trip with him. Talent agents, hotel staff, personal assistants, and others who knowingly made arrangements for Cosby’s criminal acts or overlooked them should be held equally accountable.”
As for the man himself: On Saturday, Bill Cosby will be asked about the allegations by NPR’s Scott Simon, in response to which Cosby will only shake his head and say nothing. On Sunday, Cosby’s attorney will describe the allegations to CNN as “decade-old” and “discredited,” and confirmed his client would not be addressing the matter.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11 The week continued with the first of many news stories reported with merciless abbreviation, thanks to yesterday’s longest item in Last Days history. The scene of our first news nugget: Geneva, Switzerland, where today the parents of Michael Brown, the Missouri teen who was fatally shot by police in Ferguson, testified before the United Nations. Details on the statement read by mother Lesley McSpadden and father Michael Brown Sr. come from CNN: “[The statement] says Brown’s killing and force used by police officers during protests that followed the killing ‘represent violations of the Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman, or Degrading Treatment or Punishment.’ It requests that the UN panel recommend the immediate arrest of Officer Darren Wilson, who killed Brown, as well as an end to ‘racial profiling and racially-biased police harassment across the jurisdictions surrounding Ferguson.’” Meanwhile, the world awaits the decision of the Ferguson grand jury tasked with determining if Wilson will face criminal charges. Stay tuned.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12 Meanwhile in outer space, today a mechanical spacecraft launched by the European Space Agency ended its 310 million mile journey away from Earth by landing on a motherfucking comet, becoming the first such spacecraft to make such a motherfucking landing in the history of the world. “The lander weighs about 220 pounds and is the size of a domestic washing machine,” reports CNN. “The target comet is only four kilometers, or 2.5 miles, in diameter.” That is amazing. Congratulations to the ESA and all of us who get to bask in its achievement.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13 Meanwhile in Brazil, today brought the first day of the trial for a man, his wife, and his mistress, all of whom stand accused of killing and eating women. As the Associated Press reports, love-triangulates Jorge Beltrao Negromonte da Silveira, Isabel Cristina Pires, and Bruna Cristina Oliveira da Silva “confessed to killing two women and using their flesh to make desserts in 2012… The trio allegedly lured women to their shared home by promising them nanny jobs, and then ate and sold some of their pastries to neighbors.” And oh yeah: “At the time of their arrest, they told police they belonged to a sect that preached ‘the purification of the world and the reduction of its population,’” reports the AP. Condolences to all, especially any innocent bystanders who may have unknowingly eaten humanpanadas.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14 Speaking of horrible things, the week continued with a story out of Auburn, Washington, where the owner of an eldercare home catering to Alzheimer’s and dementia patients stands accused of raping an 83-year-old female resident. “The family of the woman had hidden a camera inside her room, suspecting that something wasn’t right,” reports KIRO. “The camera caught the man sexually assaulting the elderly woman. Police said when they saw the video, they immediately arrested the owner, Laszlo Molnar, into custody. He was booked for investigation of sexual assault.”
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15 In better news, nothing happened today, unless you count the brilliant performance given tonight on Saturday Night Live by ascendant hiphop hero Kendrick Lamar.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16 In worse news, nothing happened today, unless you count the man who died after being shoved in front of a New York City subway train. “Wai Kuen Kwok, 61, was standing with his wife and waiting for a downtown train at a Bronx subway station this morning, when he was pushed off the platform,” reports the Associated Press. “Witnesses told police they thought the suspect fled the subway station and escaped on a city bus.”
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