MONDAY, JUNE 20 The week kicks off with two tales of sexy (or at least sexual) beasts. Story #1 commenced late last month in Campobello, South Carolina, when pet-lover Sylvia Jones called police after allegedly finding her neighbor having sex with her dog. "[H]e had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog," said Jones to Fox Carolina News, which reported the arrest of 17-year-old Cory Williamson on suspicion of rape of a dog. Today the saga took a horrible new twist, as Fox Carolina revealed that the alleged rape may have been fatal, with Sylvia Jones' beloved Princess dying two weeks to the day after the alleged attack. After learning of the potentially rape-related death, local authorities told Fox Carolina that charges against Williamson would be upgraded to "the most serious animal cruelty charges on the books." But all this is just a drop in the bucket of crap hanging over the head of Cory Williamson, who in addition to charges of dog-rape, is also awaiting trial for the alleged sexual molestation of a 3-year-old girl and the alleged statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl, which, if he's convicted, will suggest Williamson's fierce predilection for criminal humping and general unfitness for non-incarcerated society. "We want him out of this neighborhood," said neighbor Bill Johnson to Fox Carolina—a sentiment echoed by the county Solicitor's office, which will ask the bond review board to order Williamson to remain in custody while awaiting his slew of criminal trials.
••The far-lighter-yet-still-disturbing Story #2 comes from Hot Tipper Miriam, who was enjoying an early-evening stroll through Woodland Park Zoo when her 2-year-old niece became transfixed by the Bornean/Sumatran hybrid orangutans. "She was gazing through the glass at the group of four, just lazing around in the straw," writes Miriam. "Then she says, 'Pee-pee down there,' and points at Heran, the 16-year-old juvenile male orangutan lying in front of the window. Heran was masturbating, and looking right at us. Apes will be apes and all that, but what followed was perhaps the most nauseating zoo experience ever, as Heran slowly savored the slimy, rubber-cementy excretions of his itty primate penis. Ew, ew, ew. He took longer to eat it than to beat it out. And we couldn't look away, struck by a very bizarre mix of horror, disgust, and fascination. The zoo is no place for children."
TUESDAY, JUNE 21 Speaking of kid-unfriendly freak shows: Today brought a wealth of background information on Perry Manley, the 52-year-old divorced Seattle father who yesterday ended 15 years of impassioned disgruntilism by waving a dud grenade around the lobby of downtown Seattle's federal courthouse until police shot him to death. Reportedly driven to his passive-aggressive suicide by what he perceived as the unconstitutionality of enforced child support, Mr. Manley leaves this world as a martyr for the fathers' rights movement, and a role model for all those determined to go out in a blaze of crazy. (If you must do it, have the decency to not drag anyone with you.)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22 Nothing happened today, unless you count the U.S. House of Representatives voting to pass a constitutional amendment that would outlaw flag burning, a political diversionary tactic so crass and transparent Last Days was forced to retaliate by finally reporting on the Downing Street Memo, the fancy name given to the minutes of a July 2002 meeting between British Prime Minister Tony Blair and his top intelligence and foreign-policy aides, reported to implicate the Bush administration in selectively choosing evidence to support its preexisting plan for war with Iraq. As denizens of the blogosphere are aware, news of the Downing Street Memo caused an immediate splash in the UK—where London's Sunday Times first reported the scandal-in-the-making on May 1—while mainstream exposure in the U.S. has been limited to a suspicious yet steady trickle, with word of the memo spreading from the New York Times (May 2) to the Los Angeles Times (May 12) to the Washington Post (May 15) through today's coverage in USA Today (which reports that ombudsmen at both the New York Times and the Washington Post openly criticized their papers for not covering the story more aggressively). Having made the leap to USA Today and now Last Days, will the Memo explode into the impeachment-enabling smoking gun hyped by strident lefties? Or will it fade into history as just another hidden-in-plain-sight Bush atrocity lazily accepted by exhausted cynics? Time will tell. As for the flag-burning amendment: Despite flying through the House, the stupid bill is unlikely to make it though the Senate, with an Associated Press survey counting 35 senators on record as opposing the amendment.
THURSDAY, JUNE 23 The week continues with some good news and some bad news. As in life, the bad comes first, with today bringing the deadliest attack on U.S. servicewomen since World War II, as a suicide bomb attack on a U.S. convoy in Fallujah killed six Americans, including four servicewomen, one of whom was Regina Clark, a 42-year-old Navy reservist and mother from Centralia, WA. In far less tragic news, today also brought a rejuvenating dose of tardy justice, as 80-year-old former Klansman Edgar Ray Killen was sentenced to 60 years in prison for the 1964 slayings of three civil rights workers in Mississippi. With Killen finally behind bars, Last Days looks forward to further instances of latecomer justice, including a posthumous murder conviction for Twinkie-eating Harvey Milk–killer-turned-suicide Dan White, and the revocation of every civil word ever said about the artistic output of Lenny Kravitz.
FRIDAY, JUNE 24 Nothing happened today, thus liberating Last Days to reflect on the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 quotes from U.S. movies, revealed to news agencies around the globe on Wednesday, and topped by Rhett Butler's departing curse to Scarlett O'Hara from 1939. Far more fascinating than the winner were the poll's supplementary revelations, such as the ability for a crap movie to birth an eternal quote (#94: "I feel the need—the need for speed!") and the ickiness of an intricately brilliant film being reduced to a catchphrase (#2: "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.") Last Days' pathological obsession with Top-Whatever lists will continue to be fed by Spin magazine's ranking of the Top Albums of the Past 20 Years, an otherwise exemplary list flawed by the #1 ranking of Radiohead's Brian Eno–meets–Andrew Lloyd Webber–meets-a-really-bad-mood opus, OK Computer, over Public Enemy's It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, positing impotent angst as superior to revolutionary invention, and proving once and for all that whitey can't be trusted.
SATURDAY, JUNE 25 Nothing happened today, unless you count the gay hate parade organized by Focus on the Family at a church in Bothell, where hundreds of concerned Christians gathered to learn fresh ways to rationalize their bigotry at "Love Won Out," a day-long conference devoted to "addressing, understanding, and preventing homosexuality."
SUNDAY, JUNE 26 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Gay Pride Parade organized by a bunch of hardworking Seattle queers on Broadway, where thousands of celebratory gays gathered to learn fresh ways to incorporate disposable jewelry in the celebration, execution, and continuation of homosexuality.
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