MONDAY, OCTOBER 4 The week began with a glorious bang, as Last Days ventured out to the Breakroom to see our very favorite band in the entire world, Sleater-Kinney. Having stupidly missed the band's previous local appearances in support of their brilliant release The Hot Rock, we arrived bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, eager to hear the glamorous, clamorous trio replicate the record's intricate guitar and vocal weaves. Instead, we were treated to a set of mostly brand new songs, performed with the smiley-faced ferocity we've come to expect from the S-K ladies. Sure, Corin could use a few more consonants, but her voice is still a wonder. Meanwhile, Carrie continues her stunning transformation into the bastard love child of Keith Richards and Pete Townsend (she pulled off a windmill, for God's sake). The show reached its apex with a blazing "The End of You," which sent the packed house into a Beatles-on-Ed-Sullivan conniption fit. But lest Last Days turns into yet another honky guy molesting his thesaurus to suck the butt of Sleater-Kinney, we'll express our admiration in the most honest way we know -- via haiku.

Corin Carrie Jan

What a gorgeous noise you make

You have no bassist

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5 The week continues with this deeply fucked-up story from Seattle's Central District, where, on the 2000 block of East Union Street, a 72-year-old woman was maced and robbed by a group of teenagers. Today's Seattle P-I reported on the loathsome assault, which took place around 3 pm Monday as the victim -- a Japanese American woman who has lived in the area for 40 years -- made her way home from the hardware store. While passing a Metro bus shelter, she approached a group of about 15 teenage boys and girls, one of whom promptly sprayed her in the face with pepper spray and stole her handbag (containing $15). All of the teens fled the scene, and police have searched unsuccessfully for eyewitnesses. Anyone with information on this pathetic crime should call 684-5535.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6 Tonight a collection of 500 "movers and shakers" (according to crusty Times columnist Jean Godden) gathered for the grand opening of Seattle's new W Hotel, and for some reason, Last Days was there. (Actually, for two reasons: free booze, handsome escort.) The aggressively chic hotel was packed to its angular black-and-white gills with the white and well-dressed. Despite Godden's reports of a celebrity-filled house, the only people Last Days recognized were a homeless man from Pioneer Square (promptly escorted out by three burly doormen) and the incorrigible social butterfly/popular Stranger writer Charles Mudede, who raved about the food (marred only by the presence of some "dodgy shrimp"), but questioned the evening's entertainment: a pair of gorgeous, stylish, thin African American models dancing atop a large display block. "How postmodern," said Mudede of this whimsical nod to 18th-century slave auctions. "We don't require you to work for the rest of your life -- just dance!" Of course, no trip to a hotel is complete without trying out the beds. So before our departure, Last Days barged into a swanky W suite, where we jumped up and down on a luxurious, firm queen-size before rifling through the in-room snack bar, which featured everything from a $36 bottle of merlot to a $2.50 pair of wax lips.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7 Less than three weeks after Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus crowded into Seattle's KeyArena, Mayor Paul Schell has announced he will propose legislation to outlaw performances by circus animals in Seattle, reports the Seattle P-I. Due to go before the city council next month, Schell's proposed ban would prohibit the exhibition and performance of eight broad categories of animals, such as primates, large cats, bears, elephants, and non-domesticated hoofed mammals (like zebras). Exempt from the ban would be reptiles, birds, dogs, and cats; the wording of the legislation would also protect the inhabitants of Woodland Park Zoo. Supporters of the ban, such as the Humane Society and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) contend that, at best, circuses force wild animals into performing unnatural tricks and living on the road; at worst, the animals are subjected to abuse and cruelty. Opponents contend that reports of circus animal cruelty are greatly exaggerated, and claim the ban will deprive audiences of cherished entertainment. For the record, Last Days is in full support of the ban, and prays that the Honorable Mayor Schell will extend the legislation to its natural and obvious end: the outlawing of clowns.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8 While Seattle's mayor fights animal cruelty within the city's limits, other cities' mayors are busy clubbing puppies to death with their own hands. The Associated Press reports that James Cook, the mayor of Milford, Illinois, resigned today in the wake of accusations that he beat a six-month-old puppy to death with a shovel. The event in question took place on August 22, where, outside a grain elevator, Cook attempted to shoo the puppy (a beagle named Snoopy) away from workers by striking it with a shovel. After seeing how badly he had inadvertently injured the animal, Cook felt the kindest thing would be to put poor Snoopy out of its misery. To his credit, Cook paid Snoopy's family $150 as compensation for their loss; to his detriment, the now-unemployed Cook has been charged with animal cruelty, and faces a possible sentence of 30 days in jail.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9 History was made tonight at the Mercer Arena. In the first mixed-gender fight in professional boxing history, the very female Margaret MacGregor unequivocally whupped the butt of the very male Loi Chow. In front of a bloodthirsty, sold-out crowd, the highly buffed MacGregor -- a former abused wife, convict, and drug addict -- made mincemeat out of the beleaguered Chow, winning all four rounds in the junior lightweight fight. While both contenders were good sports before the match (both were offered $3,000 not to fight, and both declined), Loi Chow later revealed himself to be a poor loser, attempting to blame his defeat on his high blood pressure. (Boo hoo.) Last Days congratulates the triumphant MacGregor, and hopes to see her smiling face on a Wheaties box by year's end.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10 In the wake of actor Kevin Spacey's hilarious heterosexual confessions in their pages, it seems Playboy magazine has become the chosen forum for celebrities wanting to advertise their stupidity. The latest participant: Minnesota's Governor Jesse Ventura, who used an interview with the revered nudie mag as an opportunity to dismiss the notorious U.S. Navy Tailhook sex scandal ("much ado about nothing," said the former Navy Seal) and share his views on reincarnation (Ventura hopes to come back as a woman's bra, size 38, double D). However, the tremendously stupid ex-pro wrestler was bold enough to publicly denounce organized religion as "a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people," thus securing Last Days' support for the remainder of Jesse's big dumb life.

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