MONDAY, AUGUST 22 The week kicks off with news of the most fertile high school in America, straight outta Canton, Ohio. Today the Canton Repository reported the startling findings regarding the city's Timken High School, where of the 490 female students, 65 are with child. Further fright is supplied by the Canton Health Department, whose statistics reveal that of the 586 babies born this year at Canton hospitals, 104 were produced by girls between the ages of 11 and 19. "School officials are not sure they know what caused so many pregnancies," reports the Repository—though Last Days imagines school officials have their suspicions. As for the future: Timken High is launching a three-pronged program devoted to the three Ps: pregnancy, prevention, and parenting. (Here's hoping students aim for the middle.)

•• Meanwhile in the world of preexisting children, today brought plenty of drama to the Pacific Northwest, including the arrest of a Lacey woman for allegedly giving her baby whiskey (a guest smelled the booze on the baby's breath; the mom explained it away as a sleep aid) and the freakish good luck of an 18-year-old Auburn babysitter, whose 15-month-old charge fell out a third-floor window. (The baby boy landed on a bush, miraculously escaping with only a few scratches, while Baby Whiskeybreath has been placed with its grandmother.)

•• In much worse news: Exactly one month after the death of Jean Charles de Menezes, the Brazilian electrician gunned down by London police after being mistaken for a suicide bomber, today Scotland Yard acknowledged that, contrary to original police reports, the 27-year-old de Menezes had not jumped a turnstile, was not wearing a suspicious padded jacket, and had done nothing unusual at all before he was fatally shot by officials after entering a London subway last month. Props to London police for telling the truth that de Menezes's only crime was being beige and wearing a jacket; condolences to de Menezes's friends and family and whoever's next.

TUESDAY AUGUST 23 Speaking of nightmare deaths: Today brings the saga of Terry Carr, the 62-year-old Hollywood producer recently found dead under mysterious and tragic conditions. As the Associated Press reports, Carr first familiarized himself with the mysterious and tragic during his career, producing such films as The Boost, a 1988 drama starring James Woods and Sean Young; Yes, Giorgio, a 1982 musical comedy starring Luciano Pavarotti; and the 1980 romantic comedy Coast to Coast, starring Dyan Cannon and Robert Blake. But things took a dark turn on July 30, when an existentially agitated Carr abandoned his wife at an Ashland, Oregon, grocery store and drove off with the couple's 9-year-old daughter. The next day, Carr's jeep was found in the parking lot of a convenience store about 280 miles south of Ashland. Inside were the bodies of Terry Carr, who'd suffered a heart attack, and 9-year-old Arieka Carr, whose death was explained by today's coroner's report. "The body of Terry Carr, 62, toppled onto his 9-year-old daughter as she slept in the cargo area of their SUV, leaving her unable to escape or breathe," as Lake County Sheriff's Chief Deputy Russ Perdock told the Associated Press. "Carr weighed about 212 pounds and his daughter was about 53 pounds."

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24 In much lighter news: Two days after calling for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, today Pat Robertson commenced his hilarious hula of back-tracking and denial. "I didn't say 'assassination,'" said Robertson today on The 700 Club. "I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things including kidnapping. There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time." But once the AP produced video documentation of Robertson's verbatim address—"[I]f he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it.... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability"—Robertson was ready to come clean. "Is it right to call for assassination?" wrote Robertson on his website. "No, and I apologize for that statement." (Nothing calls off a fatwa like a blog apology.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25 The week continues with a pair of Hot Tips. First comes a sighting from Hot Tipper Elizabeth, who was doing some afternoon shopping at the Ballard Market when she spotted something that made her lunch leap. "In the bulk foods/produce section, a nicely dressed woman in her late 60s was eating granola out of a bag. I then noticed what must have been her husband (same age, same style of dress) next to her chowing down on grapes. In 10 minutes, they refilled their bags of granola a few times, ate some apricots, grabbed handfuls of nuts right out of the bins, and—what finally sent me over the edge—the man dug his fist deep into the dates, pulled out a few, and popped them in his mouth." In direct violation of Seattle's passive-aggression ordinance, Elizabeth confronted the elderly grazers, informing the pair that they were "revolting." "This drew a crowd," writes Elizabeth. "They must have thought I was the insane one. But is this what goes on in the effing grocery stores during the middle of the day? I don't know if I'll ever buy bulk foods again."

•• Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Hot Tipper Chris was wrangling with a mystery of his own: "Near the Starbucks by Seattle U, a car was trying to turn right from East Columbia Street onto 12th Avenue. In his way was a rather healthy woman, who refused to get out of the way, and was screaming either "Holy Ghost" or "Holocaust." As a crowd gathered, Chris did what every citizen should: called the cops, then e-mailed Last Days.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26 Today brought a hideous failure of justice to a 31-year-old mother of three in Graham, Washington, whose week of terror and tragedy commenced on Monday when her ex-boyfriend, who'd been jailed on multiple charges of domestic violence and assault against her, was released on bail. Chronology comes from KING 5: On Wednesday, the ex-boyfriend—29-year-old Shawn Michael James—was accused of again harassing his ex, and of violating the restraining order she'd registered against him. On Thursday, police checked up on the woman at her home; by this morning, it was all over. Following a frantic 911 call, sheriff's deputies arrived today to find the young mother shot dead, and the ex-boyfriend attempting to flee with the couple's 2-year-old son. Shawn James was arrested for murder, while the social constructs designed to prevent such tragedies are left to stew in shame.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the birthdays of German philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, Calcutta queen Mother Teresa, and superstar goofball/public masturbator Pee-wee Herman.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28 Nothing happened today, unless you count the death-days of civil rights martyr Emmett Till and Harold & Maude sexpot Ruth Gordon, or the was-it-a-crime-or-was-it-a-career-move? shooting of hiphop villain Suge Knight.

Hey folks: I'm looking for an intern. This is an unpaid position, 10 hours a week, with a three-month commitment. Interested parties should send letters of interest to lastdays@thestranger.com. Everyone else, send Hot Tips.