MONDAY, JUNE 4 This week of life-threatening pee shyness, gazillionaires with germy hands, and indecently exposed Police fans kicks off with a galling report of child slander from the wilds of Northgate. "Last night, I was in Target with my daughter and my 7-month-old son," reports Hot Tipper Lukas. "His name is Miles and he was riding in the shopping cart. We were minding our own business looking at shampoo when a lady in yellow walked by and said under her breath, 'That sure is an ugly baby.' I asked, 'Did you just call my baby ugly?' She replied, 'He is ugly. I know, I'm a mother.' I wasn't hurt so much as I was surprised by the viciousness of the remark. As the lady walked away, I lamely said something to the effect that she, too, was ugly. I spent the rest of my Target visit thinking of better comebacks, but I didn't see her again, even though I was looking. Clearly, this woman is crazy because Miles is an incredibly handsome baby, as evidenced by the attached picture."

TUESDAY, JUNE 5 Speaking of Hot Tips: "This is the kind of thing I would expect on a Metro bus," reports Hot Tipper Ducky. "Not the jam-packed 4:40 p.m. Seattle–Bainbridge commuter ferry run. Midway into the sailing, I moved to the Bainbridge end. As I passed one of the inside stairwells, I noticed a stream of water flowing down the side of the stairs to the sun deck. I peered around and saw this drunk guy pissing against the stairwell just a few feet from the upper sitting area and about 20 paces from the nearest bathroom. I yelled, 'What the hell do you think you're doing,' then grabbed one of the deckhands and we followed the guy around until the boat docked. Later, the ferry put out an e-mail advisory claiming it was late due to an 'unruly customer.' Hopefully I will not be asked to identify his penis in a lineup."

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6 The week continues with some god-awful news from Afghanistan, where 35-year-old journalist Zakia Zaki began her career in radio eight years ago. Since then, Zaki has made a name for herself as head of the U.S.-funded station Radio Peace and one of the few female journalists in the country to criticize Taliban rule. Today, Zaki was murdered, with details on the slaying provided by Reuters: As Zaki lay sleeping with her 20-month-old son in her home north of Kabul, three men armed with pistols and rifles broke into the house, found Zaki in her bedroom, and shot her in the chest and head; neither the baby nor any of Zaki's other five children (who were home at the time) were injured. "She believed in freedom of expression," said Rahimullah Samander, head of the Independent Association of Afghan Journalists to Reuters. "That's why she was killed." The Afghan Interior Ministry has condemned Zaki's killing as an "act of terror" and vows to track down the perpetrators.

THURSDAY, JUNE 7 In much lighter news: "Last night I attended the Police reunion concert at KeyArena and witnessed something truly disturbing," reports Hot Tipper Jeff. "Three rows ahead of me was the obligatory hippie wiggler, swaying about in his own orbit for most of the show. It wasn't until the band launched into 'De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da' that things got truly fucked up. The wiggler took it upon himself to lower his pants and expose his entire ass, shaking it lustily and viciously thrusting it backward into the now-vacant row behind him. But this paled in comparison to the damn-near jerking off he did as he snaked his hands up to his crotch and pleasured himself. Needless to say, security was summoned and three policemen (sadly not Sting, Stewart, and Andy) arrived on the scene to take this foul fucker away. And there you have it."

FRIDAY, JUNE 8 Nothing happened today, unless you count the total eclipse of the universe by Paris Hilton, as two days after her abrupt release from jail in favor of home confinement, the entrepreneur heiress/amateur porn star/convicted felon was today ordered to serve the remainder of her sentence behind bars. Upon receiving her resentencing, the 26-year-old Hilton freaked the fuck out—sobbing, screaming, and crying out for her mom. Truly, Paris's courtroom meltdown provided some of the deepest, richest schadenfreude of the new century, with photos of the blubbering and handcuffed celebutante warming hearts across the globe. This avalanche of shameful joy will reach critical mass on Sunday, when the New York Daily News will identify the unspecified medical condition that led to Paris's temporary release to home confinement as a potentially life-threatening pee- and poo-shyness. As "a source" told the Daily News, Hilton was so terrified of being photographed on her prison-cell toilet—plainly visible through the window in her cell door—that she refused to eat or drink anything. "She was absolutely terrified that one of the guards or staffers would get her with a cell-phone camera and it would wind up on the internet," reports the "Hilton insider." "She didn't eat or drink a single thing for three days because she didn't want to use the toilet. She was in real danger." (If only Paris had been half as worried about the cameras that might catch her dropping the N-bomb or exposing her labia or getting rammed from behind by Rick Salomon.) For now, Hilton is safely behind bars, reportedly residing in the medical wing of L.A.'s Twin Towers jail, where she has allegedly "found God." Needless to say, stay tuned.

SATURDAY, JUNE 9 Nothing happened today, unless you count Hot Tipper Shannon's sighting of the swanky champagne of Seattle citizens at the Three-Buck Chuck of Seattle cinemas. "I was at the Crest for the 9:00 p.m. showing of The Wind That Shakes the Barley—good movie, but damn depressing. Afterward, I saw Bill and Melinda Gates leaving the packed theater. Bill and I ended up in the tiny men's room together and I peed next to the world's richest man. He was in a stall, so I didn't see the goods—but he didn't wash his hands, and I can't say as I blame him. His crotch is probably cleaner than that sink. He looked like a nice guy, and it's nice to know he goes to the cheap theater like the rest of us, and doesn't wash, like most men."

SUNDAY, JUNE 10 Nothing happened today, including a crowd-pleasing series finale for The Sopranos or the bestowing of a Tony Award on Kiki & Herb.

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