The week got off to a glorious start with the return of beloved KOMO News 4 anchorwoman Kathi Goertzen. Reclaiming her post after being away two months for brain tumor treatment, Queen Kathi looked fabulous and reminded us instantly why we love her so fucking much. In a profession crowded with smarmy, smooth-talking weasels, Kathi is intelligent, genuine, and humane, and blessed with a built-in bullshit detector that saves her from the unctuous mannerisms that stain so many other news reporters. Kathi's grace and goodness bring out the best in those around her, too. While reintroducing his cherished co-anchor, Dan Lewis made our eyes mist up with his heartfelt plea, "Don't ever leave me for so long again." Hear, hear. Welcome back, Kathi!› ALSO: The attack on the U.S. Presidency became retroactive today, as Ben Swanson, a Baltimore dentist, testified that George Washington never had wooden teeth. Reuters reports that Doc Swanson has devoted his life to exposing the lie about our first leader's false teeth, which he claims were made not of wood, but of ivory hinged with gold springs. Washington's wooden teeth now join the ranks of other debunked American myths, such as Paul Revere's midnight ride and the separation of church and state.

Washington women may soon be able to breast-feed without fear following the proposal of State Senator Jeri Costa's bill SB5295, ensuring that breast-feeding would not be considered indecent exposure and outlawing discrimination against breast-feeding mothers. A cornerstone of Costa's bill (debated yesterday in Olympia, reported in today's Seattle Times) is the requirement that employers provide a comfortable workplace location other than a restroom for women to express breast milk in private. "Working moms don't need much," Darcy Pintado of Burien told the Senate Committee, "just a safe, sanitary room to pump their breasts." Stay tuned.› ALSO TODAY: The National Park Service said that the face of Ronald Reagan will not be added to Mount Rushmore. The addition was proposed earlier this month by U.S. Rep. Matt Salmon (R-Arizona), but representatives from the Park Service say there is "no place" on the monument to carve another image, reports Reuters. Upon being informed of his Rushmore rejection, Former President Reagan said, "Blughg?" and dribbled some applesauce down his chin.

Hundreds of gay horndogs packed themselves into the popular bathhouse Club Seattle tonight for the 1999 Mr. Nude Seattle contest. Hosted by Mr. Mark Finley (out of drag and pantsless), the contest featured four categories (from striptease to Q&A) and five contestants (from wince-inducing to pretty dang foxy). Highlight: contestant Ricky Rebel's "verbal fantasy," which married filthy burlesque to punk performance art and climaxed with Ricky smashing Top Ramen against his head. Lowlight: The sad lack of boners. Only one of the five competitors, the highly dedicated Dane Roberts, managed to "get wood" for the Arousal Pose category. At evening's end, Roberts was rightfully crowned Mr. Nude Seattle, and will represent Seattle nudity throughout 1999.› ALSO: Today the world learned of Jerry Falwell's crusade against Tinky Winky, the Teletubby denounced as a gay role model by Falwell in his National Liberty Journal. As those familiar with children's television know, Tinky Winky is a genderless purple blob that carries a purse and has a triangle antenna on its head. As those familiar with historic Supreme Court rulings know, Jerry Falwell is a Southern reverend who lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse.

Every now and again, it is our duty as solvent Americans to expose ourselves to art, particularly those forms foreign to us, and tonight Last Days tuned in to a very foreign art form: NBC's Must-See TV. Things got off to a good start with Friends, which, despite many banal sitcom conventions, achieved several moments of brilliance thanks to America's finest actress, Lisa Kudrow. But things got ugly with Frasier. Promotional teasers had touted the show's opening scene as "the funniest seven minutes in television history!"; unfortunately, what transpired was a breathtakingly unfunny mime routine by David Hyde Pierce, which left us gaping in horror and close to tears at the realization that the world is a much, much stupider place than we ever feared.› But not everyone is stupid: Two young scientists from Seattle have been honored by the White House with Presidential Early Career Awards: Christopher Diorio of the UW for his work using computers to mimic the nervous systems of living creatures, and Ellie Petersdorf of the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center for her work with human immunogenetics to improve outcomes for bone marrow transplant patients. Both will receive five-year research grants for their work.

With the bang of Judge Rehnquist's gavel, 13 pathetic months of lying, prying, and sperm came to a close today as the Senate voted to acquit President Clinton of charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. (Our very own Slade Gorton was one of 10 Republicans who voted against the charge of perjury.) Clinton's not entirely off the hook, however. He still faces the possibility of indictment by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr, and must serve out his term facing a GOP-controlled Congress that hates his guts--but still, he got off pretty easy for a guy whose sexual incontinence plunged the Most Powerful Nation in the World into a swamp of nit-picking potty-talk and idiotic and incessant television coverage. Anyway, it's over, it's fair, let's never speak of it again.› ALSO: Researchers have found that a common detergent found in shampoo and toothpaste can kill not only the AIDS virus but also the viruses that cause cervical cancer and herpes, reports Reuters. Researchers are now working to incorporate the compound (sodium dodecyl sulfate) into products suitable for the genital tract, and hope to test new products within the next six to 12 months.SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13 More TV stupidity: A young woman's statements on the Ricki Lake Show might very well land her in jail, reports Reuters. Last December, Carla Nini Hooper was charged by Florida police with vandalizing her ex-boyfriend's car and apartment--charges that Hooper denied and that the police lacked the evidence to prove. But last month, under the intoxicating glare of the Ricki Lake studio lights on a show entitled "Today I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me," Hooper gleefully described how she punctured her ex-boyfriend's waterbed, smashed his mirrors and car headlights, and poured sugar in his gas tank. The ex-boyfriend handed a video of the show over to the police, who promptly arrested Hooper and charged her with felony criminal mischief. If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Happy Valentine's Day! For nearly 1,730 years people have set aside February 14 to celebrate love, feel crappy about being single, or cheat on their partners who are out of town on ski trips. But how many know of this holiday's fascinating origins? Well, it all began back in the time of the Roman Empire, when Emperor Claudius II was involving Rome in a number of bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius was having difficulty getting men to enlist in his military leagues, and believing the men's resistance to be the result of their desire to stay with loved ones, the cruel but quick-thinking Emperor cancelled all marriages and engagements. During this time, the soon-to-be Saint Valentine was a priest in Rome, and defied the Emperor by secretly marrying couples in private. For this, Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and beheaded. Valentine suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, around the year 270. How this horrendous tale morphed into a holiday celebrated with the exchange of Whitman's Samplers and Mylar balloons printed with "I Wuv You" is still in dispute.

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