MONDAY, JUNE 25 This week of lascivious lesbians, bumbling bigots, and reelevated threat levels kicks off today with the horrific saga of Chris Benoit, the professional wrestler about whom Last Days knew nothing until his body was found—along with the bodies of his wife and son—in the family's home in Fayetteville, Georgia, this morning. Autopsies will show all three Benoits died of asphyxiation: wife Nancy, 43, by strangulation; son Daniel, 7, by suffocation; and father Chris, 40, by hanging. All three fatalities will be credited to heavyweight WrestleMania champ Chris, whom police believe was driven to his deadly insanity through a mix of steroids, painkillers, antidepressants, and "the medication he was taking for his blood pressure brought on by decades of steroid abuse," reports the New York Post. All forthcoming details only make things creepier: Muscleman Chris hanged himself from his weight set, and experts will determine he killed his son with a version of the "Crippler Crossface," his signature wrestling move. One week from today, Benoit's personal physician Dr. Phil Astin will be charged with seven counts of improperly dispensing painkillers and other drugs. Stay tuned.
TUESDAY, JUNE 26 For decades, homosexually active men have found a fertile meeting ground in public restrooms, perpetuating a slew of demeaning stereotypes and leading many to wonder, "Do lesbians ever do anything so skanky?" Today brought an alarming answer from Seminole County, Florida, where two women stand accused of having sex in a community-pool bathroom, in full view of children and a third woman's camera. Details come from southern Florida's freak-tastic Local 6 News, which reports the misplaced hot lezzie action was discovered when a pregnant mother entered the community pool's restroom with her children and reportedly saw Emily Hernandez and Johannie Jimenez "naked and apparently performing oral sex," while another woman stood by photographing the acts. Then it gets weird: As the pregnant mother tells it, when she tried to leave with her kids, the naked women refused to let them go, allegedly threatening the mother with calling the police. The woman and her kids eventually made it out of the restroom unharmed, and Seminole County sheriff's deputies arrived to arrest Hernandez and Jimenez on charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition, false imprisonment of an adult and child under 13 years old, and battery on a pregnant person. Psychotic cherry on top: Hernandez reportedly bit Jimenez in the patrol car en route to jail. Again, stay tuned.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the torrential rains that continued to ravage central Texas, where the near-Biblical flooding has claimed 11 lives in the last 11 days, and displaced and drenched hundreds more.
THURSDAY, JUNE 28 Speaking of claimed lives: Today a car bomb killed 25 people (including one American soldier) and wounded 40 others (including four American soldiers) in the mostly Shiite Bayaa district in Baghdad, and a roadside bomb killed three British soldiers and wounded another in Basra.
FRIDAY, JUNE 29 The week continues with the sad resolution of a Northwest mystery, as Mike Webb, the former KIRO radio host and longtime liberal activist who's been missing since April, was found dead in the crawl space of the home he rented on Queen Anne. Today the death was ruled a homicide, and the already twisty mystery got exponentially twistier, with the existing facts of career troubles and insurance fraud supplemented with new reports of unsavory houseguests, stolen computers, struggles with depression, and multiple sharp force injuries, which somehow added up to the death of one of the Northwest's most passionate liberal voices. R.I.P. Mike Webb.
••Speaking of resting in peace: Let us also take a moment to commemorate the death of Pastor Ken Hutcherson's latest attempt to oppress Washington State's gays and lesbians, via a ballot initiative that would've put state-sanctioned civil protections for gays and lesbians up to popular vote. Realizing that his Bible-molesting bone-headery would never draw the 225,000 signatures needed to get his initiative on the ballot, today Hutcherson dropped all plans related to the would-be initiative. Afterward, he hanged himself from his weight set. (A boy can dream.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 30 Hot on the heels of yesterday's discovery of two explosive-packed cars on the streets of London, today the UK weathered another would-be attack, as a flaming Jeep Cherokee rammed into the Glasgow airport. Details on the foiled kaboom come from the Associated Press, which quotes witnesses' descriptions of both driver and passenger as "South Asian" ("a term used to refer to people from India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and other countries in the region," says the AP) and cites police intelligence linking today's rampaging fire car in Scotland to yesterday's two undetonated car bombs in London. The two men were apprehended (one with severe burns) and Britain raised its terror alert to "critical."
••Meanwhile on Capitol Hill: "It is 11:00 p.m. and I am enjoying a blackberry tea and jazz at Online Coffee Co.," writes real-time eyewitness Hot Tipper Brown. "Sitting near me is this meth-head psycho that's been making obscene fart/slurping/sucking-through-his-teeth noises for the past 30 minutes. Occasionally he stops sucking and launches into a creepy, whispered soliloquy. He just won't stop and I'm beginning to think that he never does. Anyone else out there run into a scrawny, goateed man that constantly makes shit noises out of his mouth?"
••Speaking of people doing unfortunate things with their mouths: "This didn't happen in Seattle, but I had to tell someone," writes Hot Tipper Kat. "Yesterday, I was visiting Chicago and heading downtown on the El. A sister and brother got on and sat in the seats in front of me. They were maybe 12 and 9. The brother kept putting his hand in his mouth and pestering his sister. After a few minutes she asked another rider for a Kleenex, then yanked out one of her brother's bloody, slimy baby teeth. I swear to God, I almost vomited."
SUNDAY, JULY 1
Nothing happened today, unless you count the (blessedly nonfatal) shooting in Belltown, which, as it happened after midnight and thus on Monday, we don't.
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