MONDAY, JULY 23 This week of terminated tabloids, suicidal starlets, and remarkable legal reversals kicks off today in Polk County, Florida, around a bloody feather-drenched pit. That's where at least 17 men are alleged to have participated in an elaborate cockfighting operation described by local authorities as "very professional." Details come from southern Florida's wondrous Local6.com: After a helicopter pilot reported hearing "men cheering in the woods," sheriff's deputies raided a rural area of Polk County, sending the aforementioned cheering men scampering into the woods and unearthing the aforementioned elaborate cockfighting operation, which reportedly featured a bloody fighting box surrounded by numbered benches for spectators, drawers full of sharp fighting spurs for birds and $25,000 in cash, and a massive grave filled with freshly killed roosters. Despite the cheering men's attempted dispersal, today's raid netted 17 alleged cockfight aficionados (including one wearing a hat that said "cockfighting").

TUESDAY, JULY 24 Speaking of hideously neglected animals doomed to die in bloody pits: Today Lindsay Lohan willed herself into unprecedented Hollywood infamy, allegedly spearheading a high-speed crime spree at a stunningly inopportune time—just one week after she faced Beverly Hills police on charges of DUI and hit-and-run, and two weeks after she finished a six-week stay at Promises rehab facility in Malibu. Among Lohan's alleged activities of today: relapsing with alcohol, commandeering the car of an acquaintance for a high-speed chase of a former assistant down the Pacific Coast Highway, failing her field sobriety test, and being caught with cocaine in her pants pocket during a prearrest search. After being booked for investigation of two misdemeanors (driving under the influence and driving on a suspended license) and two felonies (possession of cocaine and transport of a narcotic), Lohan was released on $25,000 bail. Still, the fallout's just beginning: After Lohan's failed stint in rehab and second DUI charge of the year, Hollywood insiders wonder if the starlet is still employable; after the dismal performance of Lohan's last few films, Last Days wonders why anyone would bother. "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want," Lohan reportedly boasted to the men whose car she commandeered for her high-speed chase. Stay tuned, or don't.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 25 The week continues with word of the sad and sudden demise of the Weekly World News, America's preeminent mostly fiction supermarket tabloid, which is calling it quits after 28 years of inspired excretions. Full disclosure: Last Days' first published writing appeared in the Weekly World News, in the form of a letter we wrote to the WWN's legendarily cantankerous advice columnist Dotti Primrose in 1989. We were tremendous fans of Dear Dotti's abusive and bigoted advice, and so we wrote a letter under the guise of a femme lesbian named Monica, who was eager to convince Dotti that not all dykes were truck-driving, flannel-wrapped hogs. To our delight, Monica's letter was selected for print, and Dotti hit it out of the park. "Dear Butchy," wrote Dotti. "I had to use kitchen tongs to open your letter because it was so covered with yucky lezzie germs." R.I.P., Weekly World News.

THURSDAY, JULY 26 Today brings news of a fitting resolution to the twisty legal saga of Jeffrey McKee, the 33-year-old Kent resident found guilty in 2004 of raping two women at gunpoint then leaving them naked by the side of Pacific Highway South. As the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reports, McKee's twin convictions on first-degree rape with a firearm should have earned him roughly 25 to 30 years in prison, according to Washington State sentencing guidelines. But in June 2005, King County Superior Court Judge Douglas McBroom declared such a sentence to be "clearly excessive... given the illicit circumstances, or precursor offenses, leading to the rapes." These "illicit circumstances/precursor offenses"? The victims' status as prostitutes. While sentencing McKee, Judge McBroom called sex workers "a far cry from the innocent rape victims" lawmakers envisioned when deciding the severe penalties for the crime, and suggested the sex acts were against the victims' will only because they didn't get paid. In line with this crap thinking, Judge McBroom sentenced McKee to a mere 19 years behind bars—a miscarriage of justice partially righted this week by the Washington State Court of Appeals, which dismissed Judge McBroom's reasoning as "a reflection of his personal opinion and subjective belief that raping a prostitute is not as brutal as raping a woman who 'did not willingly start off ready to perform a sex act,'" and threw out McKee's abbreviated prison term. The three-judge appeals panel also rejected McKee's claims that his crimes were "more like robbery than rape" and cleared the way for McKee to be resentenced to up to 30 years behind bars.

FRIDAY, JULY 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the release of the delightful Simpsons Movie and the commencement of the Capitol Hill Block Party.

SATURDAY, JULY 28 "I was riding the #71 bus back to the University District," writes Hot Tipper Lauren. "I ended up sitting next to a creepy man in his late 30s with that clean-cut, potential-serial-killer look only middle-aged white men know how to pull off. Halfway through our journey, he pulls out a pair of headphones that, as far as I can tell, aren't plugged into anything, and a spiral notebook into which he begins furiously scribbling 'YOU STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE' and 'YOU STUPID FUCKING SLUT' over and over again. He filled what I estimate to be at least five pages of his notebook, not leaving a single space empty. There weren't many open seats to move to, so I stayed seated next to this man, prepared to defend myself if he tried to stab me in the eye with his pen, and got my ass off that bus as fast as humanly possible. I'll never know if I was the 'stupid fucking slut' or not."

SUNDAY, JULY 29 Speaking of fucking sluts, the week ends with two such creatures, spotted by Hot Tipper Brian. "I was walking east on Union around 7:00 p.m. tonight with my old man," writes Brian. "We noticed the bus stop at Union and Broadway shaking violently, like a tremor had just rolled through Seattle. As we got closer, my poor father gasps, 'OH MY GAWD!' and I see two street kids fucking on the bus-stop bench, with a young lady straddling her young man. After resuscitating my dad from a near heart attack, I thought Metro better fix their rickety old bus-stop benches, or these exhibitionists might get hurt."

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