MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30 This week of felled felons, stupid surges, and cocaine-crammed chickens kicks off in Wisconsin, where today a 17-year-old girl was charged with a short stack of crimes after allegedly using Craigslist to rob men looking for sex. Details come from charging papers obtained by the Smoking Gun, which claim the girl placed an ad last month in the "Adult Gigs" section of the online classified site, offering sexual favors in return for an apartment. Men who responded to the ad were allegedly lured to a Fond du Lac motel for what they assumed would be a sexual liaison, but were instead attacked and robbed by the girl's male friends. As the Smoking Gun reports, "When questioned by police, [the girl] admitted orchestrating the strong-arm robbery scheme, but told [detectives] that 'she would not consider herself a pimp but a "skank agent," meaning that she was an agent with skanky friends.'" One such "skanky friend" was apprehended in the scheme: an 18-year-old female, who is facing prostitution charges for allegedly having sex for money with a man who answered the Craigslist ad. Meanwhile, the self-proclaimed skank agent has been charged with soliciting prostitution and armed robbery.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1 The week continues in Seattle's Rainier Valley, where early this morning a Seattle police officer brought an end to the manhunt for Maurice Clemmons, the fugitive suspect in last Sunday's murder of four Pierce County police officers in a Parkland coffee shop. Details from the official SPD news release, which describes how Officer Benjamin Kelly fatally shot Clemmons after he aggressively defied routine orders: "[Officer Kelly] ordered the person to stop. He ordered the person to show his hands. That person would not show his hands and also began to run away counterclockwise around the vehicle. As the officer was drawing his gun, the suspect reached into his waist area and moved. The officer [who reportedly now recognized Clemmons as the fugitive suspect] fired several times striking the suspect at least twice. The suspect went down near some bushes on the north side of the street. Shortly thereafter, he was taken into custody. Seattle Fire Department medics responded and pronounced the suspect dead at the scene." RIP and good riddance to Clemmons, whom we'll continue to identify as "the suspect" despite the coffee shop barista who identified a photo of Clemmons as a photo of the shooter and the handgun found today on Clemmons's person and verified by serial number as belonging to one of the murdered police officers. Later today, President Obama will weigh in via official White House statement: "The president is deeply saddened by the tragic killing of four police officers this week in Lakewood, WA. His thoughts and prayers are with the families of these brave Americans who put their lives on the line to protect their fellow citizens." Five hours later, he'll announce his plan to send 30,000 more brave Americans to fight in Afghanistan.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2 Speaking of domestic terrorists (Clemmons, not Obama; what kind of turncoat do you take us for?): The week continues with another wave of charges against Nidal Hasan, the U.S. Army major, behavioral psychologist, and would-be Muslim jihadist facing 13 charges of premeditated murder following last month's massacre at Fort Hood. Today brought Hasan an additional 32 counts of attempted premeditated murder, relating to the 30 soldiers and two civilian police officers injured in the November 5 shooting. Speaking to the Associated Press, Hasan's attorney said today's charges "may not affect Hasan's punishment if he is convicted," as premeditated murder already carries the death penalty.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3 The week continues with scientific confirmation of the common-law assumption that all men watch porn. Doing the confirming: Montreal researcher Simon Louis Lajeunesse, who launched his project hoping to interview men in their 20s who'd never been exposed to porn—but he couldn't find any. "Guys who do not watch pornography do not exist," said Lajeunesse to the Vancouver Sun, which reports the researcher then focused his study "on the habits of 20 university students who consumed X-rated material and the impact on their sexual identity and how it shapes their relationship with women." What Lajeunesse found: Most boys seek out pornography by age 10 (around the same time they become curious about sex), and they aim for what they like, quickly rejecting images found offensive (examples cited: bestiality, violence). "As adults, their sex lives were pretty conventional, almost identical to their parents," reports the Sun. "In fact, the men distinguished between fantasy and reality; 'they did not want their partners to look like porn stars,' [Lajeunesse] said. 'Well, maybe in their bed once or twice, but not in their life.'"
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4 Today we turn to the sexy celebrity news item that hovered over the week like gossipy smog: the ongoing saga of Tiger Woods, the suddenly embattled golf superstar who finally broke his silence two days ago, when he took to his website to apologize for his role in the continuing hubbub surrounding his mysterious car crash, mysterious facial lacerations, mysteriously golf-club-wielding wife, and not-so-mysterious extracurricular lovers lining up to offer evidence of how much he loves to fuck. "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart," blogged Woods, instigating the first real-world consequence of this negligible news event: a "volcanic" eruption of Google searches for the word "transgressions," as people tried to figure out what the hell Woods was talking about/apologizing for. As the ladies of The View noted today, transgressions can refer to a wide range of behavior, from violation of faith to violation of social norms to violation of the law; leaving sexually explicit voice mails for an extramarital lover qualifies as at most two out of three. Beyond the buzzing over the contents of Woods's vocabulary was the buzzing over the contents of his car, with police photographs of the golfer's wrecked SUV capturing a paperback book scattered among the shards of glass on the backseat: John Gribbin's Get a Grip on Physics, which has enjoyed a surge in sales since being showcased in a celebrity crime scene. Contacted by the UK Guardian, the University of Sussex– instructor-turned-hotshit-author said he was "delighted that anybody's reading my books. I just wish it was one that's still in print."
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 32-year-old Guatemalan man apprehended today at Washington Dulles International Airport, where he was allegedly trying to enter the United States with 60 grams of cocaine (estimated value: $4,300) hidden inside a fully cooked chicken.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Seattle Seahawks' last-minute clobbering of the San Francisco 49ers.
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