MONDAY, JANUARY 3 No one can deny that we're living in a time of unprecedented human indulgence, from the ubiquity of cosmetic surgery and home satellite dishes to the invention of the electric tongue scraper. But extravagance reached a new peak this week as The Seattle Times reported on the new year's hottest new trend: luxury immigrant smuggling. On Sunday in Seattle, 12 Chinese immigrants were found stowed away on the cargo vessel Faith. U.S. immigration officials report that the refugees' quarters were equipped with fans, mattresses, food, water, and cell phones. Today in Vancouver, an additional 25 Chinese refugees were found aboard the vessel California Jupiter, in cargo containers stocked with food, blankets, lights, fans, and makeshift latrines. Canadian immigration workers say the stowaways appeared well-dressed and in excellent health. The refugees apprehended from the cushy cargo carriers (each of whom paid an estimated $50,000 for his or her spot on the container ships -- nearly double the going price on freighters and fishing vessels) now face two separate fates: Those caught in Canada are currently engaged in immigration procedures, while those caught in the U.S. are being interviewed to determine whether they have "legitimate claims for political asylum." Last Days wishes the refugees luck with their sure-to-be-annoying immigration proceedings, and commends them for their savvy realization that prosperous democratic countries are more likely to welcome healthy, well-dressed immigrants with cell phones than ragged, malnourished wrecks slathered head to toe in their own filth. (Unfortunately, by the time you read this, the hot new smuggling trend will have taken a horrific turn, as 18 Chinese refugees arrive in Seattle on Monday, January 10 in far less than excellent health, including three who arrive dead.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 4 On a much, much lighter note, today brought the announcement of this year's Grammy nominees. Each year, the National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences honors the best and brightest in the music industry by forcing 15 brain-dead monkeys to draw a bunch of crappy musicians' names from an old sack. Making the cut this year: veteran guitar god Carlos Santana, who picked up a whopping 10 nominations for the work on his multi-collaborative record Supernatural. Speaking of geriatric musicians, Cher received a handful of nominations for her worldwide dance smash "Believe." Speaking of people now made entirely of plastic, Courtney Love garnered a nom for Hole's yummy AOR hit "Malibu." Other notable nominations: local lovely Chris Cornell for Best Male Rock Performance (for Euphoria Morning's "Can't Change Me"); local uglies Alice in Chains for Best Hard Rock Performance (for Nothing Safe's "Get Born Again"); and illustrious out-of-towner Sheryl Crow for Best Female Rock Vocal Performance (for her cover of the most beautiful song ever written, Guns N' Roses' "Sweet Child o' Mine.") The Grammy Awards ceremony will air Wednesday, February 23 on CBS.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5 For weeks, Last Days has kept readers abreast of the spate of children forced to spend time with their dead parents. Today the phenomenon took a whimsical twist when Reuters reported on the 76-year-old Taiwanese woman found to be carrying a 49-year-old fossilized fetus in her abdomen. The calcium-encrusted fetus was discovered by surgeons at Taiwan's Veterans General Hospital; hospital researchers later reported that the baby appeared to have died in the 20th week of the woman's pregnancy, way back in 1951.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 6 "Must-See TV" indeed: Tonight in Durham, New Hampshire, Republican presidential hopefuls provided American viewers with the bitchiest, snippiest hour of television since Dynasty left the air. Leading the pack were Texas Governor George W. Bush and Senator John McCain, who bickered like drunken brothers. Along the way, Bush promised a $483 billion tax cut ("so help me, God!"), while McCain came under fire from former UN ambassador/fellow presidential hopeful Alan Keyes, for his (facetious) proclamation of Nine Inch Nails as his favorite rock group. Other treats came from religious-right wacko Gary Bauer, who renewed his commitment to the unborn by saying that he would not appoint any Supreme Court justice "who would sacrifice even one child!" And zillionaire publisher Steve Forbes chose as his hot button the little Cuban boy, whom Mr. Forbes firmly believes should be allowed to stay right here in the U.S.A., and, perhaps, cast in a series of "Latin Explosion!"-styled Home Alone movies.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 7 Today in the illustrious supermarket tabloid The Sun, the world's greatest psychics offered stunning forecasts "that will rock America!" Seer Wanda Tarwinska (she who predicted both the fall of the Berlin Wall and the Microsoft monopoly trial) foresees an embarrassed Bill Clinton revealing that the Mars Polar Lander was destroyed by aliens -- who have already slept in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House! Meanwhile, leading broadcast psychic Gary Spivey sadly predicts the deaths of the pope, Fidel Castro, and Bob Hope this year. Economic psychic Warren Freiburg also says it's curtains for the pope, but leavens the blow with visions of Oprah Winfrey revealing her intimate communication with angels. But the future isn't all white light and wings: Indian seer Sanjiv Mishra predicts that the shocking true identity of Satan will finally be discovered -- and his face will be instantly recognizable to the American public. (Fifty bucks says he's sporting bell bottoms and dreadlocks and answers to the name "Lenny.")
SATURDAY, JANUARY 8 On Thursday in Las Vegas, a 24-year-old man scaled two security barriers and jumped to his death from the observation deck of the 1,149-foot Stratosphere Tower casino-hotel. Today in Las Vegas, a vacationing Last Days visited the Stratosphere, and while we found no interruption of normal observation deck activity or any other acknowledgment of the "accident" (not even a stain), we did get to ride a very scary roller coaster and purchase a novelty "tumblin' dice" snow globe.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 9 Traditionally, Sunday is the day to rest and give thanks, and as nothing is more relaxing or gratifying than watching someone else fail, today Last Days tuned in to the fascinating E! Hollywood True Story episode "Dennis the Menace Revealed: The Jay North Story." Starting with the casting of the eight-year-old North as the TV version of the lovable slingshot-wielding pest Dennis in 1959, E!'s story of shame tracked the young North's trek through the standard pressures of fame, childhood star alienation, and unfortunate mental and physical abuse. But things really took off upon Dennis the Menace's cancellation, after which a disillusioned North tried to ease his tormented soul with murderous fantasies, an obsession with serial killers, and a job providing the voice for the teenage BamBam on The Flintstones. But things came to a satisfying end as North was rescued from personal destruction by the love of a good woman, a very caring lady whom North met after he severely sunburned his foot.
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