MONDAY, MARCH 8 This week of lamentable sex, priestly feasts, and Southern American progress kicks off in Oregon City, Oregon, where today brought punishment to some criminally bad parents. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the crap parents as Jeffrey and Marci Beagley, who were convicted last month in the death of their son Neil. As the Associated Press reports, 16-year-old Neil Beagley was "a bright, confident boy who loved his church and fixing cars"—until he was brought down by a congenital urinary tract blockage, an easily treatable condition allowed to become fatal by his parents' faith. As members of the Followers of Christ Church, the Beagleys abstained from professional medical care in favor of prayer and faith rituals, which unfortunately did nothing for the toxic waste trapped in their son's body, which destroyed his kidneys and finally killed him. For their gross parenting failures, Jeffrey and Marci Beagley were found guilty of criminally negligent homicide, and today each was sentenced to 16 months in prison. "In ordering prison terms, [Judge Steven] Maurer reflected changes made in Oregon law... stipulating that freedom of religious practices is not an excuse to shun medical treatment for a dangerously ill child," reports the AP. "The changes were a result of the deaths of children in Followers of Christ families. The church's small cemetery near the end of the Oregon Trail includes row after row of headstones marking the graves of children." (Dear Followers of Christ: Religion is supposed to help parents deal with the death of a child, not force them to. Please make a note of it.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 9 In lighter news, the week continues with an unfortunate amount of creepy sexual conduct by Democrats, led by the king of the Democrat sex creeps, John Edwards, who today became the creator of a sex tape that almost sent someone to prison. Details come from ABC News, which reports that former Edwards aide Andrew Young and his wife, Cheri, were today ordered to spend up to 75 days in jail for contempt of court relating to the couple's handling of an alleged sex tape featuring the former presidential candidate performing oral sex on his pregnant mistress. As ABC reports, Edwards's mistress, Rielle Hunter, sued Andrew Young in North Carolina for possession of the alleged sex tape, with today's contempt charges stemming from Superior Court Judge Abraham Penn Jones's belief that the Youngs are withholding key evidence, including additional copies of the tape. Twist ending: After ordering the Youngs to jail, Judge Jones changed his mind and gave the Youngs until Friday to hand over any and all missing items; on Friday, Judge Jones will dismiss the contempt charges completely. Despite the dismissals, the image of John Edwards munching on his mistress will remain lodged in the American political consciousness for decades.

Meanwhile in Washington, D.C.: One day after his resignation from the U.S. House of Representatives, Eric J. Massa, the 50-year-old Democratic representative from New York, was revealed to be "under investigation for allegations that he had groped multiple male staffers working in his office," the Washington Post reports. Follow-up reports will feature allegations of tickling, fondling, and creepy staring in the showers. Condolences to all.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10 Today we turn to Constance McMillen, the 18-year-old senior at Fulton, Mississippi's Itawamba Agricultural High School who made headlines by petitioning her school for the right to bring her girlfriend to prom and unleashed a tornado of drama that's still raging as you read this. As USA Today reports, the saga commenced when McMillen enlisted the help of the American Civil Liberties Union to challenge a school policy prohibiting same-sex prom dates. Today brought the school district's response: "Due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events, the Itawamba County School District has decided to not host a prom at Itawamba Agricultural High School this year." That's right: Rather than allow two girls to attend together, they canceled the whole fucking prom, effectively painting a big target on the back of McMillen, who'll attend school tomorrow but leave early after being confronted by a "tense" environment and statements like "Thanks for ruining my senior year." Also tomorrow: the ACLU's filing of a federal lawsuit against the Itawamba County School District, alleging district officials violated McMillen's First Amendment right of free expression and seeking to reverse the school board's cancellation of the prom. The Mississippi Prom Drama will continue into next week, as will the media blitz of Constance McMillen, whose ever-growing mob of supporters includes her dad, her grandmother, a number of her classmates, and over 300,000 people on Facebook. What you can do: Show your support, too—see Savage Love, page 75.

THURSDAY, MARCH 11 The week continues with a piece of Washington State legislation designed by God to make Last Days' heart sing: Senate Bill 6345, aka the miracle bill that would make talking/texting on a cell phone while driving a primary offense. As you may recall, talking and texting while driving were initially made illegal in this state in 2008, but only as a secondary offense, meaning talking/texting dumbasses had to commit a primary infraction like speeding, turning without signaling, or vehicular manslaughter before they could get a secondary ticket for fucking with a phone while driving. But as the Associated Press reports, "Under [SB 6345], police could immediately pull over someone for texting or talking without a headset and give them a $124 ticket." Approved today by the Washington State House of Representatives, the measure now goes to Governor Chris Gregoire.

FRIDAY, MARCH 12 Nothing happened today, unless you count the man who appeared at a downtown Seattle homeless shelter wrapped in duct tape, claimed to be a vampire, and threatened to detonate the bomb-approximating device strapped to his arm. As KIRO reports, his provocations brought out the bomb squad, which shut down several blocks of downtown Seattle—including the King County Courthouse—for almost two hours before getting the man to surrender peacefully to police.

SATURDAY, MARCH 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the ongoing drug-cartel-fueled bloodbath in Mexico, which today brought the slayings of at least 13 people in Acapulco (some of whom were beheaded) as well as an American consulate worker (and two consular spouses) in Ciudad Juárez.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14 The week ends with a review of Last Days' promise of last week: "If the year produces a more schadenfreude-rich headline than 'Vatican Enmeshed in Gay Sex Allegations,' we'll eat a priest." As if to challenge us, this week brought an onslaught of contenders from AOL News ("Satan Is in the Vatican, Catholic Exorcist Says"), Reuters ("Vienna Boys Choir Admits Possible Sexual Abuses"), and, most damningly, the UK Times ("Pope Knew Priest Was Paedophile but Allowed Him to Continue with Ministry"). None of which quite rise to the occasion—pedophilia doesn't lend itself to schadenfreude as easily as prostitution, even when the pedophilia involves the pope—but Last Days appreciates the effort.

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