MONDAY, MARCH 22 This week of glorious signings, violated nostrils, and Christian terror suspects kicks off today in China. As history buffs will recall, China has spent the past couple years coated in shame, after hundreds of thousands of Chinese infants were poisoned by melamine-tainted baby formula, which was recalled and then—shame splash!—resold, endangering more children and leaving countless citizens of the world wondering, "What is the karmic retribution for producing, recalling, and redistributing poisoned baby formula?" Today brings something of an answer, courtesy of a study revealing the Chinese people's annual consumption of millions of gallons of toxic sewage oil. Details on China's toxic-sewage consumption come from the Raw Story: " Chinese cooking oil siphoned from restaurants' waste tanks and stripped out of raw sewage is being resold on the cheap and has for years tainted approximately one out of every ten meals cooked in the eastern nation... The only apparent difference between the toxic sewage oil and normal oil is the remarkable price difference, with the tainted cooking stock selling for approximately half the price of its legitimate competitor." "The difficulty is compounded once the illegal oil has been blended into ordinary ones," adds China Daily. "Although it looks clean and clear, it actually contains toxic substances, including aflatoxin, which can cause cancer." In response to the damning study, China's State Food and Drug Administration has vowed to close down any eatery found cooking with the carcinogenic sewage oil. Condolences and grudging props to the Chinese for taking recycling to the next level.

TUESDAY, MARCH 23 In better news, today President Obama signed into law the sweeping health-care reform legislation that will likely define his presidency unto eternity. Rightly described by Vice President Biden as "a big fucking deal," the new law "constitutes the biggest expansion of federal health care guarantees in more than four decades," as CNN reports. Among the $940 billion plan's impending accomplishments: curbing insurance companies' abilities to deny coverage to children due to preexisting conditions, drop people's coverage when they get sick, and place lifetime or annual limits on health care. Also accomplished: extending insurance coverage to over 30 million previously uninsured Americans. "We are not a nation that scales back its aspirations," said Obama at the big-fucking-deal signing. "We are a nation that does what is hard, what is necessary, what is right." Meanwhile in Washington State, weaselly attorney general Rob McKenna joined 13 other state AGs in filing a lawsuit that seeks to overturn the new legislation as unconstitutional, a move that will instantly earn McKenna the ire of Governor Chris Gregoire, the Seattle City Council, and all others who think stopping insurance companies from further victimizing sick people is a good idea. For more on the ickiness of Rob McKenna, see pages 9 and 10.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24 The week continues with the increasingly hideous explosion of the Catholic Church, showcased by today's New York Times story revealing the failure of top Vatican officials—including the future Pope Benedict XVI—to stop a known- predator priest from molesting as many as 200 deaf boys placed in his care. This latest twist in the Vatican scandal will haunt the rest of the week, with the most concise and powerful summation coming from Saturday's NYT. "For decades, a group of men who were sexually abused as children by the Rev. Lawrence C. Murphy at a school for the deaf in Wisconsin reported to every type of official they could think of that he was a danger," write Laurie Goodstein and David Callender. "They told other priests. They told three archbishops of Milwaukee. They told two police departments and the district attorney. They used sign language, written affidavits and graphic gestures to show what exactly Father Murphy had done to them. But their reports fell on the deaf ears of hearing people." Meanwhile, the Vatican will continue with its "Who, me?" shtick, with the pope using his Palm Sunday address to declare that he will not be "intimidated" by "petty gossip." (Serial child rape and criminal conspiracy = petty gossip; good to know.) Stay tuned.

THURSDAY, MARCH 25 In lighter news, the week continues with a good old-fashioned public-grooming sighting reported by Hot Tipper Carol Anne: "At approximately 6:05 p.m. today, I was riding a northbound Metro #174. Sitting across the aisle was an older woman with a preschooler, the latter of whom was bouncing around like a demented ping-pong ball. The woman was unable to encourage said preschooler in safe riding practices due to the gold mine in her nose. The same exploratory finger/hand used to forage her nostrils was also used to pick her teeth and vigorously scratch her swimsuit area. Between South 188th Street and South 160th Street, she made at least six full rotations from nose to mouth to swimsuit area. I have never seen anyone stick a finger up their nose that far, ever. I nearly fainted."

FRIDAY, MARCH 26 The week continues with another glorious step in Washington State's quest to become a state where we throw the book at motherfuckers who fiddle with their cell phones while driving. (Sorry about the vehemence—as you see, this topic turns us into a foul-mouthed Andy Rooney.) Today in Olympia, Governor Chris Gregoire threw a lasso around our heart by signing into law a bill that makes driving while holding a cell phone to your ear and/or reading/writing/sending text messages a primary offense. "Starting on June 10, police can immediately pull over someone for texting or talking without a headset and give them a $124 ticket," reports the Associated Press, and a million hurrahs for that. Not only will the new legislation discourage a seemingly benign activity that can easily end up in manslaughter, the aggressive ticketing of cell-phone drivers could easily help the city's and state's budget woes. (Or at least get our goddamn libraries back open full-time.)

SATURDAY, MARCH 27 Nothing happened today, unless you count the FBI's various preparations for what will become tomorrow's story.

SUNDAY, MARCH 28 The week ends with the FBI raids on a self-identified Christian militia in Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana, where a total of nine people will be arrested and indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of seditious conspiracy and attempted use of weapons of mass destruction. According to court documents obtained by ABC News, at least six members of the insanely creepy Christian militia group stand accused of planning to voice their anti-satanic- government feelings by killing a Michigan police officer, then murdering the slain officer's colleagues at the funeral. More next week. Until then, don't be the kind of Christian who allegedly plots to kill police officers, for fuck's sake. recommended

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