MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 This week of convicted polygamists, rebuffed nuns, and totally bad-ass Metro riders kicks off today with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Holocaust- denying, Israel-threatening, homosexual- executing president of Iran who spoke today at New York City's Columbia University. University president Lee Bollinger faced heavy criticism for hosting the internationally reviled despot, but President Ahmadinejad was hardly given a free pass: "Mr. President, you exhibit all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator," said Bollinger during his 10-minute introduction. "Why are you so afraid of Iranian citizens expressing their opinions for change? Frankly, in all candor Mr. President, I doubt you will have the intellectual courage to answer these questions." Bollinger was right: As the Associated Press reports, "Ahmadinejad accused Bollinger of a 'wave of insults and allegations' while largely avoiding any direct answers to Bollinger's challenges." No matter: This weekend, the iffy "Ahmadinejad in America" gamble will pay off in spades, as the very Jewish Andy Samberg professes his homosexual love for Ahmadinejad in a priceless Saturday Night Live digital video. Here's hoping Samberg's "Iran So Far" wins Mr. Dick-in-a-Box his second Emmy, and the heinous Ahmadinejad gets trampled to death by a pack of Iranian drag queens.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Speaking of shameless dictators: Today Warren Jeffs, the leader and alleged holy prophet of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints, was found guilty of being an accessory to rape after coercing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old cousin—a crime that could send the 51-year-old Jeffs to prison for life. If today's conviction doesn't do the trick, maybe tomorrow's will: The Associated Press reports Jeffs also stands charged in Arizona with being an accomplice to both incest and sexual conduct with a minor for arranging marriages between two underage girls and relatives of theirs, and is under federal indictment in Utah on charges of fleeing to avoid prosecution. Stay tuned.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 The week continues with a bunch of nuns. Nun-bunch number one hails from Little Rock, Arkansas, where six sisters have been excommunicated for heresy after pledging allegiance to the Army of Mary, a Canadian sect founded by Marie-Paule Giguère and built on the belief that the 86-year-old Giguère is the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary. The Associated Press reports that the six busted nuns are associated with the Good Shepherd Monastery of Our Lady of Charity and Refuge near Little Rock and were informed of their Vatican-ordained excommunication last night by the Rev. J. Gaston Hebert. At a news conference today, Rev. Hebert said the nuns "became entranced and deluded with a doctrine that is heretical," and identified the excommunication as the first in his diocese's 165-year history. "It is a painfully historic moment for this church."

•• Speaking of nuns and pain: Today's second bunch of nuns hails from southern Italy, where a convent is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns came to blows. According to the Associated Foreign Press, the Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista were so upset by their mother superior's "authoritarian ways" that they scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground. Following the July brawl, Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri tried to reconcile the sisters, but late last month decided they'd "clearly lost their religious vocation" and asked the Vatican for permission to close the convent. The Vatican agreed, and the scratchy sisters were booted to new convents.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 The week continues with an exceedingly yummy drug bust, as federal agents announced the closure of a California factory devoted to producing candy, snacks, and other food items laced with marijuana. Details come, as usual, from the Associated Press: During yesterday's raid of the Oakland-based company Tainted Inc., DEA agents seized 460 marijuana plants and intercepted an array of pot-tainted goods due to be shipped to medical-marijuana dispensaries throughout California, as well as in Seattle, Amsterdam, and Vancouver, BC. Among the tainted treats were candy bars, cookies, ice cream, marshmallow pies, peanut butter, jelly, barbecue sauce, chocolate-covered pretzels, and energy drinks. Feds also arrested three workers, who could be screwed but good: Earlier this year, the owner of a similar marijuana-lacing operation was sentenced to nearly six years in prison. As the AP reports, the recent raids are the result of "growing police concern" that the legalization of medicinal marijuana in several states has caused a proliferation of large-scale marijuana- lacing operations. "These items could have harmful effects on a user, especially the unsuspecting ones," said DEA agent Javier Pena. "We will continue to shut down these production lines, one marijuana-candy factory at a time."

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 In much better news, today brings the thrilling story of the ass-kicking old man on the Metro bus. Details come from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which reports today's saga began around 11:15 p.m. on a northbound bus traveling along Rainier Avenue South. Near Rainier Beach High School, five teens known to police as "active members of a local gang" boarded the bus and began harassing an older man seated near the back. When one of the teens tried to take the man's glasses, the man pulled out a knife and fought back. "He began swinging at his attackers in self-defense," said SPD spokeswoman Renee Witt. When the hubbub was over, four of the teens had cuts, one had a dislocated shoulder, and the older man walked away uninjured. The moral: Don't fuck with bespectacled old men, especially those packing knives.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 Speaking of righteous self-defense, the week continues with Hot Tipper Chris's report of throwing a cup of yummy Trabant Coffee and Chai coffee on three men who called him a "faggot" while he was walking in the University District with his boyfriend. When the men threatened to kick Hot Tipper Chris's ass, he scared them off by "wielding a bottle of Trader Joe's wine like a club." Hurrah for Hot Tipper Chris, and hurrah for Trader Joe's wine.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 The week ends with the bloody horror that continues to unfold in Burma, where ongoing protests by Buddhist monks, Buddhist nuns, and other pro-democracy activists have led to the slaughter of untold thousands by the ruling military junta. Amid reports of hundreds of executed monks whose corpses have been dumped in the jungle, today a former junta officer told London's Daily Mail that "[m]any more people have been killed in recent days than you've heard about. The bodies can be counted in several thousand." Unfortunately, the slaughter is being conducted on land not enriched by oil, and so the embattled Burmese can expect no intervention from the U.S. Too bad, so sad, see you in hell. recommended

Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.