MONDAY, OCTOBER 1 This week of denied withdrawals, contentious legs, and rigorously righted wrongs kicks off today with two craptastic mothers. Crap mom number one: Britney Spears, whose quest to become the biggest, messiest, most morbidly fascinating train wreck in American entertainment history reached a triumphant milestone today, as a California judge ordered the drug-test-flouting Spears to relinquish custody of her two young sons to father Kevin Federline. To celebrate, Spears passed off 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James to one of Federline's bodyguards two days before the court-ordered deadline, then hit a tanning salon and a L.A. nightclub for some post-parental partying. To be fair, Spears was raised to be a lousy mom, having been pimped out by her own mother since prepubescence—Lynne Spears's role in turning Britney into a compulsive exhibitionist addicted to claps and camera flashes cannot be underestimated. But God knows who's to blame for today's crap mom number two: Wendy Cook, the 37-year-old woman from Saratoga Springs, New York, whose arrest today on prostitution charges brought to light an array of alleged motherly misdeeds. CBS News reports Ms. Cook was arrested this morning after offering to perform sex on an undercover police officer for money in Schenectady. Following her arrest, detectives learned that Cook's two children—a 5-year-old daughter and 8-week-old son—had been left with friends in a nearby car. Further investigation revealed that Ms. Cook had allegedly been out all night smoking crack and snorting cocaine with her children in tow, and had orally serviced at least two johns in a car with her kids awake in the backseat* earlier that morning. Icing on the cake: the allegations that Cook snorted cocaine off her baby son's stomach while breastfeeding him. The multitasking mom stands charged with one count of prostitution, one count of reckless endangerment, and five counts of endangering the welfare of a child.
*As astute readers are aware, it takes two to tango, and this alleged scenario requires the existence of at least two men in Schenectady willing to pay a 37-year-old woman for oral sex in front of her children on a Monday morning. Blet.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2 The week continues with Hot Tipper Brodie, a UW law student whose learning was disrupted this morning by a bloody awful sight. "I sat down next to a rather large bearded man in the second row. Before class started, I noticed him dabbing at the blood coming out of his nose. Class began and he continued mopping up large amounts of blood from his nose with a really soaked, small Kleenex. He finished the task by licking the tips of his fingers in a fashion similar to someone enjoying the last finger lickin' drips of KFC Sweet & Spicy wings." Dear Brodie: Thank you for noticing and sharing. Dear bloody-finger licker: You're smart enough to get into law school but stupid enough to stay in class with facial stigmata? Dear everyone: Like all bodily fluids, blood should only be expressed behind closed doors. Please make a note of it.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3 Today brings the greatest leg-centered controversy since Harding made Kerrigan cry "Why, why, WHY?" At the center of the controversy: John Wood, the South Carolina man who lost his leg and his father in a 2005 plane crash. Wood's father passed into the sweet hereafter, but Wood's leg was returned. As the Associated Press reports, Wood first stored his leg in his freezer, then dried it on his front lawn and stowed it inside an old barbecue smoker at a South Carolina storage facility. Then things got weird: After Wood fell behind in his rental payments, the storage facility auctioned off the barbecue to one Shannon Whisnant, who was of course shocked to find the human leg inside. Believing the limb "might have been part of a missing person or someone's ex-wife," Mr. Whisnant reported his find to the police department, which retrieved the leg and passed it on to a funeral home, where it remains. Both men are seeking custody of the leg, with Wood claiming primacy as the leg's original owner and Whisnant fighting back as the leg's most recent buyer. Stay tuned, or don't.
••Speaking of ridiculous bullshit, today also brings a sighting from Hot Tipper Banjo Mike, who was waiting for a bus at Mercer Street and Queen Anne Avenue when he was accosted by "a homeless man sporting a beige comforter begging me for a cigarette." After two minutes of begging, the man turned away from Hot Tipper Banjo Mike to focus on "another homeless man who looked a little better off. Instead of a comforter, this guy had an iPod. After Comforter Guy finally walked away, Flannel iPod Guy started mumbling about how homeless people like Comforter Guy give homeless people like him a bad name. Then he whips a $20 bill out of his pocket and proceeds to floss with it." All hail Seattle's new breed of Monopoly-men hoboes.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4 Nothing happened today, including the withdrawal of the guilty plea entered by Senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig after he was busted trolling for sex in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Addressing the matter today in Minnesota's Hennepin County District Court, Judge Charles Porter refused the embattled senator's attempted plea withdrawal, ruling that Craig's guilty plea was "accurate, voluntary and intelligent, and... supported by the evidence." Despite the humiliating defeat (and the avalanche of humiliation that preceded it), Craig says he plans to complete his third senatorial term, which ends January 9. Dear God: Please give Larry Craig and his family a reality television program. You owe us.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5 The week continues with a shocking tale of spam, spite, and explosives, borne on the inky wings of the Associated Press. The setting: Lakeland, Florida, where earlier this year, 39-year-old Timothy Vaughn began to receive e-mailed high-school-reunion reminders from Classmates.com. In response to the electronically generated reminders, Vaughn reportedly sent four e-mails to Classmates.com. In the first three, Vaughn asked to be left alone. In the fourth, Vaughn went nuts: "Nobody talked to me back then, so stop talking to me now. I can make Virginia Tech look like a fucking birthday party." Vaughn's threat was reported to police, who visited Vaughn on Wednesday and found his stunning stash of explosives, including 178 homemade M-80 and M-100 explosives and about 700 other explosive devices under construction. Vaughn remains jailed on 178 counts of possessing a destructive device and one count each of aggravated cyberstalking and possession of materials to manufacture a destructive device.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6 Today brings the promised righted wrong, thanks to Hot Tippers Chris, Elliot, and Alison, each of whom wrote in to call bullshit on Last Days' item for Sunday, September 30, dealing with the ongoing horror unfolding in Burma. The problem came with the closing sentence: "Unfortunately, the slaughter is being conducted on land not enriched by oil, and so the embattled Burmese can expect no intervention from the U.S." As Hot Tipper Chris writes, "Burma actually is somewhat rich in oil and natural gas. It's actually because the country is rich in gas and oil and cooperates with the U.S. that we don't do anything." Thanks to all who wrote in for the correction, sorry for the stupid fuck-up.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7 Nothing happened today.
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