This week, David Schmader is in Southern California, undergoing rehab for chronic lip balm addiction. In his absence, America's favorite week-in-review column rests in the talent-packed hands of America's favorite entertainment icon, Ms. Dina Martina!
MONDAY, JUNE 5 Hello! Reuters news service reported today that a child mole named "Ester" made a daring escape from an Indiantown, Florida treatment center by way of helicopter. Apparently, the cute little rodent just scurried out the door when no one was looking and got into a helicopter and flew away! A spokesperson from the Martin Treatment Center said the escape occurred at about 1:00 p.m., and was "Hollywood-style" in nature. Witnesses reported that it was almost as if John Landis himself was there, directing this helicopter escape. Personally, I think it was just a publicity stunt for the much-anticipated sequel to Stuart Little, although I'm not sure why they used a mole instead of a mouse. Maybe moles are cheaper to use than mice. It doesn't really matter. I just think that movie was so cute. Thank you.
TUESDAY, JUNE 6 Hello! In New Orleans today, Tom Brokaw and Bob Dole joined thousands of other Doris Day fans to celebrate the opening of the National D. Day Museum. The throng of 10,000 was mostly made up of World War II veterans (who knew they loved Doris as much as the rest of us?), who showed their love for the actress by blowing "Revile" on their bugles. After the ribbon-cutting ceremony, the crowd poured into the museum's 10,002-seat D. Day Auditorium and watched in awe as Brokaw and Dole took to the stage to act out selected scenes from Pillow Talk and That Touch of Mink, two of the actress' best-loved films. During the performance, most of the 10,000 audience members were asked to leave because they wouldn't stop talking about World War II. In the end, Miss Day was a no-show for the event, although director Steven Spielberg ("Saving Private Benjamin") did make an appearance. What a wonderful day! Thank you.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7 Hello! Reuters reported today that in Canada, a crazed beaver attacked two giant Newfoundland dogs named Bonnie and Billy, pinning them against a fence and savaging them. "I've lost all respect for beavers," dog owner Sarah Flansen told reporters from her Manitoba farm. "I never would have expected this from a beaver. I always thought beavers were supposed to help, not hurt." Flansen estimated that the beaver, who tore at Billy's face and leg, weighed about 30 pounds. Conservation authorities said they would try to trap the animal, although Flansen said she hasn't seen hide nor hair of the beaver since the attack occurred. "What if the beaver comes back?" she worried. "I'm having veal tonight, and... I just mean, what if it comes back? Beavers... beavers... oh... beavers. I just feel like I should put Bonnie and Billy up in a hotel or something until this whole thing blows over. But then, what if the beaver finds them there?" Thank you.
THURSDAY, JUNE 8 Hello! The Anatolian news agency reported today that health workers carrying out a mass circumcision on more than 200 young boys in western Turkey cut off more than they should have. "Whether it was because of their anatomy or through carelessness, too much was cut off," Manisa health service chief Ismet Nardal was quoted as saying. Doctors in the hospital where the two-day circumcision marathon took place immediately operated on the boys in an attempt to rectify the error. "The children's stitched organs have held; the operation was successful," Nardal said. "They appear to be all right, but it will only become apparent later if they have lost their sexual function." Health officials were also in a quandary regarding what to do with the 200 leftover foreskins. Meanwhile, the triumphant attending surgeons celebrated their victory by dining on piles of fresh "calamari." Thank you.
FRIDAY, JUNE 9 Hello! According to a Reuters report today, pop diva Celine Dion said she was at last pregnant, ending speculation sparked by her recent trip to a New York fertility clinic. The French Canadian singer, 32, famous for such hits as "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie Titanic and "My Heart Will Go On" from the movie Titanic, began a three-year sabbatical from her career in January to give the public a much-needed rest. "It's a miracle," one close pal was quoted as saying. "Celine's positively radiant. There's nothing like a little French Canadian bacon in your skillet to brighten things up." Dion's 58-year-old husband, Rene Angelil, will also double as the child's grandfather. In a letter to her fans, Dion wrote, "There's no hiding happiness. We can't keep something so big, so wonderful a secret just for us. And we thank God for the great joy we've been given." God was unavailable for comment; Jesus, however--contacted via prayer and meditation--was quoted as saying, "Oh, goody." Thank you.
SATURDAY, JUNE 10 Hello! The smallest premature baby ever born in California went home with his parents for the first time today. Little bitty Jeremiah Akers, born in Marin County Hospital on February 22, has grown from 13 ounces at birth to a currently healthy three pounds. Dubbed "the pocket baby" by doctors, little Jeremiah was only nine-and-a-half-inches long at birth, whereas an average-sized full-term baby is about 20 inches long and tips the scales at about eight pounds. "I called him the pocket baby because he could fit in the front pocket of my scrubs," said one doctor. Several nicknames had been considered before the doctors finally reached an agreement on one. "At first, I wanted to call him 'the tater tot,' 'cause he looked real cute on a plate next to my burger," the doctor continued. "And one of the other doctors wanted to call him 'the little six-pack,' 'cause you could carry him like a six-pack of beer, due to the soft spots on his head. Then, one of the nurses wanted to call him 'the little IUD.' But we finally settled on 'the pocket baby.'" Thank you.
SUNDAY, JUNE 11 Hello! Happy closure came today for a family in Lima, Peru. Last week, Argentiny officials were asked to explain why the body of Antonio Geron, who had died in Argentina, was returned to his family without his kidneys, eyes, heart, or liver. Geron, 34, fell to his death from a basement window while vacationing in Salta, about 150 miles south of the Bolivian border. In a statement released late yesterday, the Argenteenies admitted that Geron's body had been mistakenly donated to the Culinary Arts Center at Buenos Aires. As soon as the goof-up was detected, however, Geron's body was returned to his relatives in Peru. An autopsy performed in Lima today revealed that not only had his organs been removed, they had been replaced with a delicious mango-chèvre chutney. At a press conference, Chief Coroner Juan Martins told reporters, "Upon the initial inspection, I was alarmed because his eyes looked unusually bloodshot, but then I realized it was just pimento. It's all good." Thank you.
I would like to take this opportunity to say "thank you" to The Stranger for allowing me to be your harbinger of good news this week. I would like to say, however, that Reuters seems like a strange name for a news service. Are they an offshoot of Heuters Restaurants? I hope not. Thank you. --Dina Martina
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