MONDAY, JUNE 21 This week of massacred jaywalkers, misplaced feces, and the most amazing story involving a man dressed as a Snickers bar you'll ever read kicks off in Iran, where summer has brought official police warnings to 62,000 women found to be insufficiently veiled. "By law, women in the Islamic republic must be covered from head to foot, with their hair completely veiled," reports the Agence France-Presse, which attributes the wave of warnings to an orchestrated Shiite clampdown on "dress and behavior." In addition to mandatory veiling, Iranian women are banned from interacting socially with men to whom they are not related, with police in the province of Qom reportedly confiscating over 100 cars found to be carrying either improperly veiled females or unrelated males and females. Meanwhile in the United States, Katy Perry made sexy baby faces while ejaculating whipped cream from her cupcake bra. Condolences to all.

TUESDAY, JUNE 22 Speaking of summer: The week continues at Seattle's Golden Gardens, the waterfront park known for its "sandy beach, lapping waves, and giddy toddlers splashing in a freshwater stream that flows near the ocean," as reports. "But a closer look at the stream reveals a different picture: alarmingly high levels of fecal coliform. Which means all those blithe, sand-castle-making kids are sitting in heavily fecal-contaminated water." The fecal discovery was made by the Surfrider Foundation, the international environmental group that's testing water quality at seven popular Seattle beaches. In addition to Golden Gardens, the group found high levels of fecal bacteria at Leschi Beach and Sand Point's Pontiac Point. "Fecal coliform can come from faulty sewage systems, from agricultural and stormwater runoff, and directly from human and animal feces," reports "It is generally considered a warning that other pathogens might be in the water." The next step: the creation of warning signs, alerting people to the freakish amount of fecal bacteria in various bodies of water. "I want... signs that are forceful and tell people that the creeks are really dirty and can be dangerous, and people need to stay out of them," said Surfrider's Abby McCarthy to, which underscores the need for such warning signs with two sentences: "On June 9, the amount of fecal coliform in the Golden Gardens creek reached a level 10 times higher than the state's allowable amount for recreational swimming. Two weeks later, there was still no sign of any kind at the beach."

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23 In much better news, today brings a promising update on the South Park Bridge, the structurally unsound Seattle bridge that will close forever on June 30, after which it will be destroyed and the South Park neighborhood will become an experimental cul-de-sac packed with super-good Mexican food. Today, one week before its scheduled demolition, the bridge played host to a number of political bigwigs who pledged funds to help replace the bridge posthaste. Today's stars: King County executive Dow Constantine, who announced $30 million in support from the county, and Governor Chris Gregoire, who pledged $20 million from the state. "Along with the Seattle City Council's previous pledge of $15 million, the county is now more than halfway to the $131 million needed to fund the bridge replacement," reports The Stranger's Cienna Madrid. "Once full funding is secured, a new bridge will take at least two years to build."

••Meanwhile in Spain: Tonight, a bunch of people attempted to cross some train tracks south of Barcelona and were struck by a train. Details on the predictable tragedy come from CNN, which reports the accident occurred just before midnight, when a group of travelers disembarked a train. Rather than exit the station via the safe underground passageway, 30 or so people decided to cross the tracks and were struck by a Barcelona-bound express train. "The train passed over them at full speed," said a witness to El País. "There are bodies that are absolutely destroyed." Twelve people were killed, 14 others were wounded, and all were headed to the Fiesta de San Juan, the annual celebration of the shortest night of the year on the beach at Castelldefels. Spanish authorities have ordered an investigation into the accident but admit initial signs point to the pedestrians' "imprudence."

THURSDAY, JUNE 24 In lighter news, the week continues with the aforementioned world's greatest story involving a man dressed as a Snickers bar, which is set in Dublin, Ireland, and begins not with the Snickers man but with a pair of lesbians, one of whom was clad in a novelty sumo wrestler suit. As Dublin's Evening Herald reports, the years-spanning saga commenced on Halloween night 2008 during a "fancy dress" party at a Dublin gay bar. That's where estranged former girlfriends Sandra Talbot and Adrienne Martin reconnected and clashed, with Talbot reportedly bumping up against Martin with her inflatable sumo costume. Things escalated when Martin "tried to wave at a man dressed as a Snickers bar," after which Talbot allegedly flipped out and struck Martin with a Smirnoff Ice bottle. "The next thing, I got a blow to the left side of my head beside the temple," testified Martin in Dublin District Court. "My knees went from under me and I went down. [Talbot] walked away, laughing and sneering at me. I had a massive lump on the side of my head." Despite her unceasing claims of innocence, 32-year-old Talbot was yesterday convicted of common assault and fined 400 euros, leaving us with today's moral: Never try to wave at a man dressed as a Snickers bar.

FRIDAY, JUNE 25 In much creepier news: Today brought the preliminary court appearance of Michael Comte, the 32-year-old Tacoma man arrested after allegedly donating a cell phone containing images of a toddler being molested to Goodwill. "According to court documents, Comte allegedly videotaped the molestation then donated the phone to the Goodwill store for resale without deleting the graphic images," reports KOMO. "A Goodwill employee later took the phone from the donation bin—against company rules—and gave it to his girlfriend without knowing about the images."

The girlfriend allegedly discovered the images when she turned on the phone, after which the phone was turned over to police, who were able to trace ownership of the phone back to Comte. Also found: Comte's former girlfriend, who told police "she let Comte and another woman babysit her 3-year-old daughter one night when she went out," reports KOMO. "Authorities say a blanket and clothing found in the ex-girlfriend's house match those seen in the graphic video on the cell phone." Comte was arrested yesterday, and today he was charged with child rape and sexual exploitation of a minor, for which he remains jailed in lieu of $500,000 bail.

SATURDAY, JUNE 26 Nothing happened today, unless you count an avalanche of gay pride, which we do.

SUNDAY, JUNE 27 Ditto.

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