MONDAY, JULY 5 This week of confessed killers, awesome progress, and ostentatious prostitution kicks off in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where today a gaggle of drinking buddies celebrated the day after the Fourth of July in painfully flamboyant style. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports a group of men were drinking together when they made a bet that whoever drank the least would be set on fire. The loser: a 47-year-old man who managed to drink only six beers and thus agreed to let his friends set fire to his prosthetic leg. As the man told police, the flames quickly spread to his body, inspiring him to remove his flaming clothing and causing the man's alleged friends to flee the scene. As the AP reports, "Dona Ana County sheriff's deputies found the man naked on the side of U.S. Route 70 with his prosthetic leg in flames." The man was taken to the hospital with severe burns to his buttocks and lower back. No charges have been filed.

TUESDAY, JULY 6 Speaking of total flamers: The week continues with Reverend Kevin J. Gray, a well-known Roman Catholic priest in Connecticut who was today arrested and charged with first-degree larceny, following his alleged bilking of $1.3 million in church funds to pay for the rental and pampering of male prostitutes. Details on the ambitiously hypocritical Father Gray come from the Hartford Courant, which reports that, following his arrest, the 64-year-old Gray identified himself to police as both a gay man who resented the Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality and as a disgruntled man of God who "had grown to hate being a priest" because the archdiocese had given him the "worst church assignments." Father Gray's alleged revenge: embezzling $1.3 million from the Sacred Heart/Sagrado Corazon parish to fund a seven-year gay bacchanalia, featuring a rotating cast of rent boys who were wined and dined in high style, taken on clothes- and jewelry-shopping sprees, and, in one alleged instance, sent to Harvard on the church's dime. Accused of drawing a total of $1,475,944.67 from the church account, Father Gray remains jailed in lieu of $750,000 bail.

••Also today: Fallen starlet/parole violator Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in jail followed by 90 days of in-patient rehab, scheduled to begin on July 20, giving Lohan two weeks to overdose on the prescription Dilaudid, Ambien, and Adderall that she's reportedly been taking for "as long as she can remember," as the 24-year-old Lohan told her parole officer.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 7 Speaking of alleged prostitution, we continue with a story out of Gainesville, Florida, where today a man contacted police to report that he'd been robbed by a woman he intended to pay for sex but changed his mind once he saw the would-be hooker's bad teeth. "Lake Butler resident Dan Alford told investigators he and 25-year-old Jennifer Elder were negotiating a price until he noticed her dental problems," reports the Associated Press. "Alford told police that after he resisted, she snatched a checkbook containing $78 from his shirt pocket and fled. Elder told authorities she merely got scared and ran, not knowing the man had tucked a wad of cash into her bra." Ms. Elder was arrested for robbery; Mr. Alford remains free.

THURSDAY, JULY 8 In much better news, today in Massachusetts, a federal court ruled in favor of same-sex couples in two separate challenges to the Defense of Marriage Act, the 1996 law that restricts marriage to one man and one woman. "The state had argued the law denied benefits such as Medicaid to gay married couples in Massachusetts, where same-sex unions have been legal since 2004," reports the Associated Press. "[U.S. District Judge Joseph] Tauro agreed and said the act forces Massachusetts to discriminate against its own citizens in order to be eligible for federal funding in federal-state partnerships... In a ruling in a separate case filed by Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders, Tauro ruled the act violates the equal protection clause of the U.S. Constitution." Here's Judge Tauro in his own words: "Congress undertook [DOMA] for the one purpose that lies entirely outside of legislative bounds, to disadvantage a group of which it disapproves. And such a classification the Constitution clearly will not permit." Thank you, Judge Tauro.

••Also today: The person accused of fatally shooting 24-year-old hiphop performer Joseph "29-E" Ryan last year at Seattle's Chop Suey nightclub today pleaded guilty to first-degree murder. As the Seattle Times reports, the 20-year-old shooter also pleaded guilty to two counts of second-degree assault for the nonfatal shootings of two other men backstage at Chop Suey, with the whole bloody mess expected to earn him between 28 and 36 years in prison.

FRIDAY, JULY 9 The week continues with some exceptionally exciting news about the alleged renaissance in HIV-vaccine research. Details come from two papers published yesterday in the online edition of the journal Science and reported today by the Wall Street Journal: "In the latest development, U.S. government scientists say they have discovered three powerful antibodies, the strongest of which neutralizes 91% of HIV strains, more than any AIDS antibody yet discovered," reports the WSJ. "The Vaccine Research Center has contracted with a company to produce an antibody suitable for use in humans so that testing in people could begin."

SATURDAY, JULY 10 "I'm not sure if this is 'Last Days: Adventures in Public Displays of Hygiene'–worthy," writes Hot Tipper Christina, "but here it is: I'm a waitress at a restaurant in Fremont, and at approximately 10:20 a.m., during the prime of Saturday brunch, I approached a table to find a twentysomething girl clipping her toenails, as her dining companion looked on. Upon finishing, the girl put the clippers and toenail clippings into a plastic baggie and into her purse, after which she enjoyed her coffee and pancakes. Either the heat brings out the crazy or I've been a waitress too damn long."

SUNDAY, JULY 11 The week ends with the World Cup, the annual 46-week soccer tournament that enthralled countless citizens of the world and baffled millions more. Today the World Cup came to a close, with a "kinda boring" (according to an enthralled cohort) final match between Spain and the Netherlands. Spain triumphed, the Netherlands fell, and all sporting concerns were eclipsed by the suicide bombings that ripped through a restaurant and a rugby club in Kampala, Uganda, where crowds had gathered to watch the televised World Cup final. Seventy-six people were killed (including one American), scores more were wounded, and a group of Somalian insurgents with ties to al Qaeda will take credit for the bloodshed.

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