MONDAY, JULY 12 This week of exploited dreams, foiled fines, and capped-for-the-time-being oil spills (pleasegodpleasegodplease) kicks off in Idaho, where today brings the beginnings of an answer to the long-standing question "Who keeps dumping ketchup, maple syrup, corn syrup, and mayonnaise into the Boise library book drop?" As the Associated Press reports, today authorities got their hands on the prime suspect, as 74-year-old Joy Cassidy turned herself in at the Ada County jail. "[Cassidy] was a person of interest in at least 10 other condiment-related incidents at the Ada Community Library in Boise since May 2009," reports the AP. "In addition to malicious injury to property, Cassidy has also been charged with carrying a concealed weapon without a license."

••Speaking of people putting things where they shouldn't: Today, parents of students at Seattle's Garfield High School were sent a letter from Principal Ted Howard, informing them that a former teacher—33-year-old Taryn M. Fairbanks—was the subject of a police investigation. Tomorrow, the full beans will be spilled, as various news outlets report on the "former Garfield High School teacher [who] has been charged with first-degree sexual misconduct with a minor after police accused her of performing a sexual act on a 17-year-old student," as put it. Alleged details exacerbate the creepiness: The incident allegedly occurred on June 23—the day after Garfield classes let out for summer—when Ms. Fairbanks, an English instructor and adviser on the Garfield school newspaper, texted a 17-year-old male student, who allegedly invited Fairbanks to a party at his house, where she allegedly gave him a blowjob in the basement. As Detective Donna Stangeland will write in court documents, "[Fairbanks] described herself as having an issue with alcohol, and reported that she was in the midst of an alcohol relapse at the time of the incident." Fairbanks is scheduled to be arraigned in King County Superior Court on July 21.

TUESDAY, JULY 13 In better news, today the U.S. Second Circuit Court of Appeals struck down the Federal Communications Commission's (FCC) indecency policy, characterizing the FCC's rules allowing huge fines for unscripted profanities on live television as "unconstitutionally vague." As CNN reports, after years of griping about the FCC policy's steamrollering of the First Amendment, Fox Television, NBC Universal, and several other broadcasters sued the FCC in 2006 over the "vague and unevenly enforced" policy. In rejecting the policy, today's judges wrote that the FCC's indecency rules created "a chilling effect that goes far beyond the fleeting expletives at issue." Congratulations to the successfully litigious broadcasters, and thanks to all the TV cussers who made today's triumph possible, including but not limited to Jane Fonda (who stunned the cast of the Today show with the not-quite-medical term "cunt"), Kathy Griffin (who silenced a CNN heckler with "I'm working, buddy! I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth!"), and that Fox- affiliate anchorwoman who suggested that soy milk change its name to soy jism.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 14 In sadder news, the week continues with the quietly soul-crushing story of the Seattle man exploited by evildoers through his deep love for AC/DC. As KIRO 7 Eyewitness News consumer reporter David Quinlan reports, "He may sound like Brian Johnson—look like Brian Johnson. But Gary Edwards of Seattle is not the real lead singer for AC/DC." Nevertheless, Edwards's amazing ability to emulate the AC/DC screecher was well-known—"Every time [our band] did AC/DC, people would be floored," as Edwards told KIRO—and when Edwards got a phone call offering the chance to play with AC/DC in London, he believed it. "I thought I was going to sing for AC/DC," said Edwards, who "was offered a $17,000 signing bonus, a Columbia Records contract, and the chance to live out his dream," reports KIRO. "So Gary signed away. He gave out his social security number, his family's address, dates of births and copies of his and [his fiancée] Aaricka's signature. Gary and Aaricka even had reservations at a Seattle restaurant where they were supposed to meet a CBS Radio executive to talk over the details. But when he didn't show, they realized the dream was over." Characterizing the ruse as one of the most elaborate schemes he's seen, Federal Trade Commission investigator Bob Schroeder confirmed to KIRO that the information Edwards gave to pretend-AC/DC was enough to open credit card accounts in the couple's names. "I feel stupid," said Edwards, who Last Days hopes is back screeching his heart out soon.

THURSDAY, JULY 15 Nothing happened today, unless you count the successful-for-now capping of the well that has been spewing between 40,000 and 4 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day since April 22. As of press time, the well remains successfully capped, leaving a grateful nation with an oceanful of oil that will next week begin exploding. But for now, let us celebrate. Whee.

••Speaking of things: Today the Vatican carefully placed its foot over a pile of poop and forcefully stepped down, announcing the newly revised Vatican law that makes the "attempted ordination" of women one of the church's gravest crimes, "in the same category as clerical sex abuse of minors," as the Guardian reports. "The new rules, which have been sent to bishops around the world, apply equally to Catholic women who agree to a ceremony of ordination and to the bishop who conducts it. Both would be excommunicated." But let's get back to that priests-who-are-female-are-exactly-as-bad-as-priests-who-rape-kids thing, on the well-spoken wings of Melissa McEwan at the blog Shakesville: "So, just to be clear: According to the Catholic Church, ordaining a woman is just as bad as raping a child. Or, if you prefer, raping a child is only as bad as attempting to ordain a woman."

FRIDAY, JULY 16 "I was in the Broadway Market QFC this evening around 6:00 picking up bacon," reports Hot Tipper Jennifer. "While walking through the produce section, I saw a large, bald, unkempt man ogling the ass of a yuppie guy perusing the cherries. In a flash, the large man gracefully dove nose-first deeply into the ass crack of the unsuspecting yuppie and gave it a big crack-smooch. The ballet dancer of ass-sniffing quickly and convincingly made as if he were examining products on the lower shelf, like nothing was up. The great thing was the yuppie man barely glanced over his shoulder and casually wandered off like he didn't just get sexually assaulted." Thank you, Hot Tipper Jennifer.

SATURDAY, JULY 17 Nothing happened today, unless you count the deadly shoot-out at Western Washington's Lake Sammamish State Park, where a verbal altercation between two groups—"which included more than 40 people, mostly of Asian descent," as KOMO reports—escalated into an impromptu gun battle that left two men dead and four wounded.

SUNDAY, JULY 18 Ditto, only today's potential deal breaker is the suicide bomber who struck outside an Iraqi army base in Baghdad, killing at least 43 people.

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