MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 This week of sporty triumph, soiled lightsabers, and horrible hoaxes revealed kicks off in Seattle, where this morning brought a grisly bit of business to Belltown, as a 21-year-old man was found fatally strangled on a neighborhood loading dock. Identified by the Seattle Times as Michael Kniezewski, the victim was soon joined by the alleged killer: 32-year-old Joshua S. Stattman, who allegedly approached detectives at the scene and freely told of his role in Kniezewski's death. According to charging documents, Stattman informed investigators that he and Kniezewski were both homeless and had been drinking together the night before, when a depressed Kniezewski expressed his desire to end his life. "Stattman said that he agreed to assist the man," allege prosecutors, who say Stattman produced a nylon strap, which was placed around Kniezewski's neck and pulled tight, with Stattman "maintain[ing] the tension for approximately five minutes to make sure the victim was dead," according to court documents. Whatever the merits of Stattman's claims, strangling an allegedly willing victim in an alley fails to meet the legal criteria for assisted suicide, and on Thursday, Joshua Stattman will be charged with first-degree murder and ordered held in King County Jail on $1 million bail.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 In lighter news, the week continues with some ludicrously inappropriate (but not deadly) behavior in a Florida Walmart, where today a 28-year-old Sarasota man was allegedly shopping for a toy for his daughter when he noticed the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, which he allegedly took from the magazine rack to the store's toy section, where he allegedly masturbated to completion in the aisle. Further details come from police documents obtained by the Smoking Gun, which identifies today's alleged wanker as William Tyler Black, a (former?) substitute teacher arrested this afternoon on charges of exposure (for allegedly making public his private parts) and battery (for allegedly wiping his spunky hand on a toy—which, as investigators inelegantly allege, is battery because a "reasonable person would believe that a child would come in contact with the fluid on the toy, being that it was left in the toy aisle of the store"). "A store employee told cops that Black 'ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor,'" reports the Smoking Gun. "A police source told TSG that the toy in question was a lightsaber (apparently of the Star Wars variety)."

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 The week continues with another tale of inappropriate wang handling in Florida, this one from Miami, where the South Miami Hospital is facing a $1 million lawsuit after doctors mistakenly circumcised the wrong baby. Details come from ABC News, which identifies the litigant as 30-year-old Vera Delgado, whose newborn son was being cared for in the hospital's neonatal ICU when doctors subjected the baby to an explicitly-forbidden-by-the-parents circumcision.

"Now Delgado is suing the hospital, not for a medical mistake, but for assault and battery on her newborn," reports ABC News. "She is asking for $1 million for the 'deformity' the circumcision caused." "This is not medical malpractice," said Delgado's lawyer to ABC. "They took a knife to him... and amputated healthy tissue from the penis in an irreversible procedure."

••Meanwhile in Seattle: Today Mayor Mike McGinn and Chief John Diaz announced an overhaul of the Seattle Police Department following the fatal shooting of carver John T. Williams by a novice SPD officer. According to today's talking figureheads, this overhaul will involve a third-party review of the SPD's investigation of the slaying, along with a separate inquest by the King County prosecutor. Stay tuned.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Speaking of mistakes, alleged assault, and deformity, today brings an update in a saga that commenced late last month in Vancouver, Washington. That's when, as we understood it (and reported it) at the time, "28-year-old Bethany Storro was getting something out of her car when a stranger approached to ask, 'Hey, pretty girl, do you want to drink this?' then threw a cup of acid in her face." Details came from the Associated Press, which reported Storro was rushed to the hospital with severe burns and described her attacker to police as a black woman between 25 and 35. Just prior to the attack, Storro had purchased a pair of sunglasses, which everyone credited with helping to save her eyesight. Then Storro faced the press with her bandage-wrapped head to recount the horrific attack (described to MSNBC as "the most painful thing ever"), reiterated her refusal to let the assault "wreck her life," and expressed bafflement over her attacker's motives. "Was it a dare or did the woman wake up Monday morning and tell herself that today she was going to 'carry some acid in a cup and throw it on the first person I see'?" Last Days commented at the time: "The acid-throwing psycho remains at large." After a two-and-a-half-week search, today the acid-throwing psycho was identified by police: Bethany Storro. She admitted that her acid-based injuries were self-inflicted and her tale of a black attacker was a cover-up. Early next week, Clark County prosecutors will announce plans to charge Storro with three counts of theft with aggravating circumstances, stemming from the tens of thousands of dollars raised for Storro in the wake of her "attack."

••In much better women-doing-things news: Tonight the Seattle Storm trounced the Atlanta Dream for a three-game sweep of the WNBA finals and the team's second WNBA championship. Congratulations, Storm!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 In worse news, the week continues on Mercer Island, home to the Northwest Yeshiva High School—Washington State's only full-time Jewish high school—which was found this morning tagged with anti-Semitic graffiti. "Members of a congregation that meets at [Northwest Yeshiva] discovered the vandalism," reports the Seattle Times, specifying the worst of the presumably-inspired-by-Yom-Kippur graffiti (swastikas, arrows labeled "this way to the gas chambers"). According to the Mercer Island Reporter, police are looking for a trio of "older juvenile" boys caught on the school's security cameras. Stay tuned, fuck the haters, g'mar chatimah tovah.

••In better news, tonight brought the eighth annual Stranger Genius Awards party to the Moore Theatre. For the full wrap-up, see page 17.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Nothing happened today, unless you count Seattle's hilarious influx of drunk-and-happy Nebraskans, following the Cornhuskers' thorough clobbering of the Huskies this afternoon at Husky Stadium.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 The week ends with some long-awaited good news from the Gulf of Mexico, where after five months of gushing, the BP well responsible for the worst offshore oil spill in U.S. history has been officially declared dead.

Glad that's over. Let's never speak of it again. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.