MONDAY, MARCH 10 This week of new sins, impeachment-worthy lies, and the resurrection of the most horrific scenario in Last Days' history kicks off in Colorado, where an epic battle's raging over the discolored hide of a miniature poodle. On one side is the poodle's owner, Joy Douglas, who claims poodle Cici is known all over Boulder for her pink fur, a symbol of Cici's stature as a "breast-cancer-awareness dog." On the other side is Boulder Valley Humane Society, whose officials told Boulder's Daily Camera they received numerous complaints about the artificially colored canine before citing Ms. Douglas for violating Section 6-1-14 of Boulder's city code, which prohibits the dyeing of fowl and rabbits. According to animal-control officials, this regulation was originally passed to deter citizens from dyeing chicks and bunnies around Easter. But now it's being used against impassioned poodle-owner Douglas, who faces a possible $1,000 fine and is fighting it all the way. "Cici is being stripped of her civic duty," said Douglas, who says she's never used chemicals to achieve her breast-cancer-awareness poodle's pinkness (it's done via staining with beet juice and Kool-Aid). Douglas also contends that as her poodle is neither fowl nor rabbit—the only species name-checked in the statute—the whole charge is bunk. "If it's really true that you can't put beet juice on your dogs, then the law just needs to say that," said Joy Douglas, in the quote of the year so far. Douglas pleads her case before a Boulder Municipal Court on April 7.

••Speaking of cute but essentially meaningless statutes: Today the Vatican issued a list of new mortal sins. For those unfamiliar with the intricacies of kinky, kinky Catholicism, mortal sins are those with the power to damn your soul to Hell, should you die before confessing such sins to a priest. Making today's list of new mortal sins: genetic modification, carrying out experiments on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice, causing poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy, and taking drugs. Mysteriously unmentioned: public flossing, "upper decks" (look it up), and conspiring to hide the predatory sex crimes of fellow clergymen.

TUESDAY, MARCH 11 Speaking of newsworthy sins: Today the United States basked in the stink of a big political sex scandal, as media outlets across the nation ran as hard as they could with the story of Eliot Spitzer, the "straight-arrow" governor of New York named yesterday in a federal investigation into a "high-priced prostitution ring." What distinguishes the Spitzer scandal is its cartoonish hypocrisy: Prior to being identified as a ready and willing john, Attorney General Spitzer used the state's organized-crime task force to ostentatiously bust two prostitution rings; in addition to being a husband and father of three, Spitzer was the type of guy who'd spend thousands of dollars on a hooker the night before Valentine's Day. After yesterday's public apology and today's media blitz, tomorrow Spitzer will bring the hubbub to its natural end, announcing his resignation as governor and slinking off in shame with his heroically stoic wife, who deserves at least $50,000 cash right now.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12 The week continues with the resurrection of the most horrific scenario in Last Days' history. We're speaking, of course, of the bonding of human flesh to inanimate objects, first popularized by the morbidly obese woman in Florida who had to be surgically removed from her sofa, and brought screaming back to life today by the woman in Kansas whose skin grew over her toilet seat. Details come from the Associated Press, which identifies the woman as 35-year-old Pam Babcock, a reported child-abuse survivor driven by phobia to spend the past two years in the bathroom of the mobile home she shares with her 36-year-old boyfriend, Kory McFarren. "It just kind of happened one day," said boyfriend McFarren to the AP. "It was a safe place for her." According to McFarren, Babcock's first year of bathroom living was relatively normal, with Babcock moving around, bathing, and changing clothes, and McFarren supplying her with food and water. But on February 27, McFarren noticed Babcock "acting groggy" and called police, who arrived to find Babcock sitting on the toilet with atrophied legs, her sweat pants down to mid-thigh, and her skin grown around the toilet seat. "We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," said Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple. "The hospital removed it." With Babcock's skin and toilet seat successfully separated, all eyes now turn to Kory McFarren, who says he tried to coax Babcock out of the bathroom daily but could face charges for allowing his girlfriend to become affixed to a toilet seat. Stay tuned.

THURSDAY, MARCH 13 Nothing happened today, unless you count the release of a Pentagon study confirming that the alleged "direct link" between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda—a connection touted as fact in the pro-war rationale of the Bush administration—was nonexistent. As the AFP reports, the Pentagon studied more than 600,000 official Iraqi documents and thousands of hours of interrogations of former Saddam Hussein colleagues, and unequivocally failed to find any connection between Al Qaeda and Iraq. Today the haggard remnants of the Bush administration did its best to bury the study, rejecting traditional models of dissemination (press releases, public web postings) for a limited release available by "individual request" and through the mail. We are not making this up.

FRIDAY, MARCH 14 The week continues with what we'd be tempted to call a mind-blowing lesbian potboiler if it didn't involve, you know, the loss of actual human life. Details come from KIRO, which reports the saga commenced last night, when 36-year-old Michele Burton and her boyfriend met 33-year-old Amber Debord at the Bethel Saloon in Port Orchard, WA. As Amber Debord told investigators, she was hoping to have a lesbian relationship with Burton, and the women and the boyfriend eventually made their way to Michele Burton's house on Panther Lake. According to court documents, Burton's boyfriend walked in on the two women naked and kissing in bed; Debord allegedly responded to the interruption by "getting violent" and threatening the boyfriend, who fled the residence. Later, police received a 911 call from a hysterical woman who reported, "Someone is dead." Deputies arrived to a horrible scene: Michele Burton, lying in the front yard with fatal stab wounds to her neck, hands, and feet, and Amber Debord in the house covered in blood. Debord was arrested, charged with first-degree murder, and remains in Kitsap County jail in lieu of $500,000 bail.

SATURDAY, MARCH 15 Nothing happened today (because too much happened on Wednesday).

SUNDAY, MARCH 16 Nothing happened today (unless you count the flash-mob pillow fight that got Ballard all feathery this afternoon).

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