The week got off to a depres sing start as one of Last Days' favorite old ladies revealed herself to be a lunkheaded old bag. Today in her syndicated column, elderly advice queen Ann Landers fielded a question from a concerned mother, who asked if it was proper to let her nine-year-old daughter serve as flower girl for her gay uncle's wedding. In reply, the usually thoughtful Ann (who, in the past, has been kinder to and more accepting of "the gay lifestyle") strongly voiced her disapproval, claiming involvement in such a ceremony would only confuse the poor child. Ann went on to describe the wedding party in terms usually reserved for satanic rituals: "A service for those in the inner circle would be okay, but please, no children."As everyone with an IQ over 84 knows, nine-year-olds should be exposed to as many homosexuals as possible, and Last Days would rather see Ann Landers die right now than have to continue watching her brain turn to mush on the page.
TUESDAY, MARCH 16
Taking a cue from the French (who know a thing or two about public stinkiness), Seattle hopes to install a half-dozen high-tech, self-cleaning public toilets on downtown streets within the next year, reports the Seattle P-I. The city already has 11 portable toilets for public use, but they are the scary, Honey Bucket kind--expensive to maintain and clean, lacking in hand-washing and security features, and on the whole, so disgusting that most people willingly endure severe bladder and gastrointestinal pain rather than cross their icky thresholds. The snazzy new johns (the pet project of City Councilwoman Tina Podlodowski) would come complete with lights, sinks, and police-call buttons ("Officer 99, we're out of toilet paper!") and best of all, between uses, the insides of the toilets will be automatically scrubbed by jets of water. On the downside: the auto-outhouses will require coins for entry (with free tokens for the poor "readily available," according to a Podlodowski aide), and funding for the johns will come from advertising placed all over the hundreds of new bus shelters to be installed in downtown Seattle.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17
Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Today marks the anniversary of the death of the patron saint of Ireland, an English/Irish bishop born early in the fourth century who dedicated his life to converting the Irish to Christianity. (No wonder we celebrate his death.) Saint Patrick's Day has been recognized in America since 1737, and is marked by the half-assed appropriation of traditional Irish symbols and extreme drunkenness. Speaking o' "the green": Devoted readers of Last Days are familiar with the saga of Meg, the Wallingford Catholic who gave up pot smoking for Lent, and who last week found a baggie of pot on a neighborhood sidewalk. (She walked right by.) Well, today things got even weirder for Meg when, on an entirely different street, she spotted another bag of pot--twice the size of the first! "What the fuck is going on?" cried the besieged Meg, who once again dredged up the willpower to pass over the free weed. "Is the universe mocking me?"
THURSDAY, MARCH 18
Today Last Days learned all about the freaky shit that happened yesterday at Seattle Central Community College. Here's the story: After learning that he had failed a college course for the second time, 19-year-old SCCC student Kai-Ting Hung took a bunch of meat cleavers and knives to the school's campus, where he walked around screaming before barricading himself in a student services office with two hostages: an instructor and a program coordinator. Hung smashed a window, the hostages escaped without harm, and the multiple-knife-wielding failure was subdued with pepper spray and arrested by Seattle police at the corner of Broadway and Pine. (Stranger eyewitnesses saw Hung lying face-down in the gutter, then being strapped to a police carrying-board.) Today Kai-Ting Hung was ordered held in the King County Jail in lieu of $50,000 bail.
FRIDAY, MARCH 19
After a night of booze and karaoke at what the Seattle P-I called a "legislative drinking party," State Representative Kelli Linville was arrested and charged with drunk driving in the early hours of this morning. Linville, Democratic co-chair of the House Agricultural and Ecology Committee, was on her way home from "legislative karaoke night" at an Olympia lounge when an off-duty security guard spotted her weaving her Ford Explorer all over the road and running a stop sign. Olympia police found Linville parked in her driveway with alcohol on her breath, slurred speech, and a flushed complexion. A field sobriety test revealed Linville had a blood alcohol content of .11 (state law limits drivers to .08). Following her arrest and release, Linville spoke to the Seattle P-I: "I went and I had too much to drink," Linville said of the legislators' traditional Thursday night sing-alongs. "I probably sang. I was very happy about passing a couple pieces of legislation last week."
SATURDAY, MARCH 20
Today in The Seattle Times: the saddest story in the world. Last Friday, Seattle resident Nancy Seiden was walking her dog on a South Seattle street when she was struck by a hit-and-run driver, a collision which sent Seiden to the hospital for eight stitches in her forehead, and sent her dog running off into the night. As if this wasn't bad enough, Seiden is deaf and blind, and her dog--a specially trained black Labrador named Liberty and Seiden's constant companion for the last three years--has gone missing ever since. "Liberty was such a great guide dog," Seiden communicated to Times reporter Arthur Santana through tactual sign language. "We had a very strong relationship--definitely." This story is too sad for words, and whoever locates Liberty and returns her to her rightful owner will receive a place in Heaven and high praise from Last Days. Anyone with any information about Liberty's whereabouts should call the Lighthouse for the Blind at (206) 322-4200.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21
It was a night of bad decisions, spazzy Italians, and the shameful failure of Whoopi at tonight's 71st annual Academy Awards. A majority of the blame for the boringest Oscar telecast in history should be placed directly on host Whoopi Goldberg, who brought the proceedings to a screeching halt with every one of her 10,000 lame sex-and-potty jokes; she should never be allowed to do anything ever again, ever. Things picked up a bit with Best Actor/Best Foreign Film winner Roberto Benigni, whose spazziness was cute, and whose Oscar success guarantees that his Holocaust comedy, Life is Beautiful, will not suffer an American remake starring Robin Williams (a fear that has haunted Last Days' waking hours for the past five months). Best Actress winner Gwyneth Paltrow looked adorable but, unfortunately, experienced a nervous breakdown during her acceptance speech: through wracking sobs she thanked everyone from Shakespeare in Love's gaffer to her two dead cousins. And the Elia Kazan controversy added up to nothing: a bloodless introduction by a seemingly autistic Robert DeNiro, a short, humble speech by Kazan, and some shots of Nick Nolte looking grumpy. But everything was redeemed by the absolutely flabbergasting Debbie Allen-choreographed interpretive dance tour through the Best Original Score nominees. Not only did we get to see tap-dance renditions of Life is Beautiful and Saving Private Ryan, we got to see that lady dancer's right ass cheek for the duration of the breathtakingly ghastly number. "You know, I was planning on seeing The Thin Red Line," said Last Days' friend Mindy at the close of the whirlwind dance tour. "But after that, I think I get the gist of it." Best dressed: Geena Davis vs. Jennifer Lopez. Most loaded introductory description: "Versatile Academy Award Winners Ben Affleck and Matt Damon" (nice to know they switch off). Worst acceptance speech: The art directors of What Dreams May Come, thanking Hollywood for letting them make something "beautiful and cruelty-free."
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