MONDAY, JUNE 2 This week of deserted children, imbalanced trannies, and history- making American politics kicks off with nothing, unless you count the pornographically garish saga of "the Colacurcio organization," the alleged Northwest crime syndicate subjected today to a massive federal raid. At the center of the saga: Frank Colacurcio Sr., the Seattle strip-club magnate who's old enough to have been convicted of "carnal knowledge" with a 16-year-old girl in 1943 and classy enough to be convicted of assaulting a strip-club waitress in 2005. (In between came numerous convictions for tax evasion.) As for today's raid, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer specifies it involved FBI and IRS agents searching four of the Colacurcio family's Seattle-area strip clubs (Rick's on Lake City Way, Sugar's in Shoreline, Honey's in Everett, and Fox's in Tacoma) as well as Frank Colacurcio Sr.'s home in Lake Forest Park. The cause of the searches: allegations that the Colacurcios' clubs are nothing but whorehouses staffed by indentured servants. As U.S. Attorney Jeff Sullivan said in a statement, "The Colacurcios have designed the clubs, the payment methods, and the policies to encourage prostitution and to ensure they're the ones getting rich off of these illegal sex acts." The Colacurcios' alleged racket in a nutshell: For the honor of stripping at a Colacurcio club, a woman must "rent" the stage on which she is to strip; at Rick's, the P-I reports, dancers must pay $130 per shift. If a dancer fails to take in enough tips to "pay their rent," they owe back rent—with the accumulating debt reportedly driving dancers to supplement their income by performing sex acts for money in the clubs' dimly lit "VIP" sections. "Undercover officers have documented scores of prostitution violations," states the lengthy search-warrant affidavit, which names as suspects Frank Colacurcio Sr., Frank Colacurcio Jr., and various family associates. Stay tuned.
TUESDAY, JUNE 3 The week continues with a big hunk of American history, as primaries in South Dakota and Montana sealed Senator Barack Obama's bid to become the first not-entirely-white candidate for the U.S. presidency. Congratulations to Obama and to America. (For part two of today's story, see Saturday.)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4 Today brings the first of the week's two stupid child-desertion stories, from the nearby wilds of Pierce County, where a 32-year-old woman in Summit, Washington, was arrested after leaving her two children—ages 1 and 3—alone in a half-filled bathtub while she made a beer run. Details on the cartoonishly awful saga come from KIRO 7, which IDs the busted mother as Nicole Erdman, who, according to court documents, placed her 1- and 3-year-old kids in a bathtub holding five inches of water then drove to a Circle K convenience store to buy the aforementioned beer. Back at home, Mrs. Erdman was met by Mr. Erdman, who'd returned from an errand to find the kids alone in the tub and called police. Despite his wife's arrest on two counts of second-degree child abandonment, Mr. Erdman described his wife to KIRO as "a loving, caring mother with some emotional and psychological problems and drug and alcohol issues—and she's seeking help for those issues."
THURSDAY, JUNE 5 We continue with the second of the week's two stupid child-desertion stories, this one out of faraway Clay County, Iowa, where a man was arrested last night after leaving his 2-year-old son and 5-year-old niece in a car by the side of a busy highway. According to the Associated Press, the ditched kids were reported by a passerby, who found the 5-year-old crying outside the car and the 2-year-old asleep in the back seat. Deputies found the kids' missing dad/uncle in a ditch a half mile away, where he'd been "pick[ing] wild asparagus." Police found no evidence of asparagus, but a search of the car reportedly turned up marijuana and drug paraphernalia, leading police to augment the man's charges of child endangerment with charges for drug possession.
FRIDAY, JUNE 6 "Dear Last Days," writes Hot Tipper Bradford, placidly commencing the creepiest report of violent Metro-based bigotry since that psycho clocked that blind lady a couple weeks ago on the #18. "This afternoon I was waiting for the #8 Metro on Capitol Hill. Waiting with me was the homeless Native American transsexual I've seen around the neighborhood. I call her Two Spirits. She was engaged in her usual self-contained commotion when she spotted a midget and another gentleman waiting for the bus. 'I hate midgets!' she started yelling. 'FUCKING MIDGET! I'LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT! I'M TRIBAL POLICE!' The gentleman replied, 'That's fine, but it'd be great if you could make the bus come on time.' Both man and midget entered the bus unscathed." Dear Hot Tipper Bradford: Thank you for noticing and sharing. Also, I don't mean to look a gift Hot Tip in the mouth, but "midget" isn't really a word but a slur that's gained currency due to pervasive use. Go with "little people," which may sound odd and comparably insulting, but is the preferred term, no matter what Trapped in the Closet says.
SATURDAY, JUNE 7 The week continues with the bittersweet inevitability of Hillary Clinton's dropped bid for the U.S. presidency. "As we gather here today, the 50th woman to leave this earth is orbiting overhead," said Clinton to a crowd of supporters at Washington, D.C.'s National Building Museum. "If we can blast 50 women into space, we will someday launch a woman into the White House. Although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it's got about 18 million cracks in it, filling us all with the hope and the sure knowledge that the path will be a little easier next time." As for what happens now, Clinton gave the crowd explicit directions: "We must do all we can to help elect Barack Obama the next president of the United States." RIP, Hillary '08; you remain a world-class badass.
SUNDAY, JUNE 8 "So last night at about 2:00 a.m. I went for a walk around Capitol Hill," reports Hot Tipper AT. "A few blocks from my apartment I heard a woman screaming, 'Help! Somebody call the police!' I started running up the block while two other guys ran around the corner, and we saw the screaming woman jump out of her car and run across the street with her shirt ripped almost completely off. Then a young gangster-wannabe-looking guy got out of the passenger seat and said, 'Shit, and it's MY fucking birthday....' I asked, 'So she has to give it up, whether she wants to or not?' He didn't respond, just walked across the street into an apartment complex. The woman came back and one of the other two guys gave her a long hug and said, 'Girl, you got to lose that bitch's number.' Some people in a window above us asked if they should call the police, but the freaked-out woman just thanked us all, got in her car, and drove away."
Girl, you got to lose that bitch's number. Send Hot Tips to email@example.com.