MONDAY, AUGUST 21 This week of dreaded dates, killer raccoons, and legally actionable sexual humiliation kicks off today with details on the corpse discovered yesterday in an Everett, Washington, trash bin, and the man arrested on suspicion of putting it there. According to court documents obtained by KIRO TV, 25-year-old Sean Hamill, the aforementioned man arrested after police found the aforementioned corpse in a trash bin near his home, told detectives he'd met the woman who would become the corpse three weeks ago, in an alley behind the Everett bar Jimmy Z's. The pair soon retreated to Hamill's apartment, where, according to Hamill, the woman demanded drugs and threatened to rob and kill him. Then Sean Hamill allegedly did what any 25-year-old confronted by a troublesome trick would've done: struck her three times in the head with a framing hammer, slit her throat with a paring knife, then went to bed. According to court documents, Hamill kept the woman's body in his bedroom closet for three weeks before moving her to the trash bin Sunday morning. Most ridiculously, authorities learned of the corpse through a call from Hamill's neighbor, whom Hamill had called to ask for help in disposing of the corpse. On Wednesday, the victim will be identified as Angela Hay, 42, of Everett. Sean Hamill remains jailed on suspicion of second-degree murder.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 22 The week continues with a day some presaged would unleash the apocalypse, or at least a whole bunch of upheaval: August 22, which, as Bernard Lewis put it in the Wall Street Journal, "This year corresponds in the Islamic calendar to the 27th day of the month of Rajab of the year 1427. This, by tradition, is the night when many Muslims commemorate the night flight of the prophet Muhammad on the winged horse Buraq, first to 'the farthest mosque,' usually identified with Jerusalem, and then to heaven and back (cf. Koran XVII.1)." Apparently some folks took this to mean the end of the world was nigh, and while that may be true, it didn't happen today. Instead the world was given an array of apocalyptic harbingers, from a plummeting passenger jet in the Ukraine (which killed everyone on board) to the mercilessly canceled contract between Paramount and Tom Cruise (which is totally unsuitable for comparison with a plane crash that killed at least 170 people, 45 of them kids—but such unsuitable comparisons are further proof of our impending demise). Today's freakiest non-passenger-jet-related harbinger: the psychotic raccoons terrorizing families in Olympia. Details come from the Associated Press, which reports the murderous group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, bit at least one pet owner, and attempted to carry off a small dog—all within one three-block area near Olympia's Garfield Nature Trail. "They are in command up there," said nuisance-wildlife control operator Tom Brown, who told the AP he'd seen packs of raccoons this big, but none "so into killing." "It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who cofounded the neighborhood's ongoing raccoon watch. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid." Stay tuned.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Omaha World-Herald report on the pair of Boy Scouts—Christian Nanson and John Fitzgerald—who rescued an 18-month-old baby from the Platte River near Omaha. After detailing every zap and sizzle of last summer's Scoutocaust, when a truly ludicrous number of Boy Scouts were killed by lightning/drowning/errant electricity, Last Days feels it is our duty to give equal attention to those Scouts who manage to survive and thrive. Congratulations and best wishes to Scouts Nanson and Fitzgerald, and here's hoping God doesn't take this as a challenge to commence Scoutocaust 2: Back in the Habit.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 24 Today brings an exceedingly odd and awful story from Olympia, Washington, where this morning brought an alarming sight to the raccoon-ravaged city: a naked woman running down the street screaming for help. Background comes from the Associated Press, which identified the alleged instigator of the woman's screams as Howard Hitchcock, a 45-year-old violinmaker who'd recently ended a relationship with the soon-to-be-screaming woman. Actually, it's more likely the woman ended the relationship with him, as last night Hitchcock visited his 42-year-old ex-girlfriend at her apartment, where police believe he tied her up and sexually assaulted her repeatedly until she managed to break free and flee through a window, thus becoming the screaming naked woman at the top of the item. As neighbors called 911, Hitchcock drove his ex-girlfriend's car back to his home, phoning a friend to announce that he had a gun and wanted to kill himself. By 8:30 a.m., Hitchcock's home was surrounded by police. By 10:00 a.m, a SWAT team had arrived. The standoff continued until 3:30 p.m., when Hitchcock—described by friends as a polite, courtly man, and one who had no criminal record—shot himself in the head. Hitchcock was pronounced dead at the scene, while the unlucky but lucky woman was taken to the hospital and released in satisfactory condition.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 25 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Midnight Express–meets–American Pie scenario that erupted around Madin Azad Amin, the 29-year-Skokie, Illinois, man who was traveling with his mother to Turkey via O'Hare International Airport. That's where airport guards stopped Amin after finding an object in his baggage that resembled a grenade. In reality, the Associated Press reports, the alleged grenade was a penis pump, and, desperate to conceal the sex toy from his mother, Amin reportedly told authorities it was a bomb, after which he was hauled off and charged with felony disorderly conduct. Addressing the charges in a Cook County court, Amin insisted he'd whispered the word "pump," which the guard misunderstood as "bomb." Nevertheless, the security guard testified she had heard Amin "clearly" say "bomb," and the judge decided there was sufficient evidence for the case to move forward. God only knows how big a part Madin Azad Amin's name and beigeness played in his "pump" being heard as "bomb," but if convicted, he could spend up to three years in prison.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 26 Nothing happened today.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 27 The week ends with a double dose of horror, the first from a field in Lexington, Kentucky, where a commuter jet crashed, killing all but one of its 50 passengers, the second from across the country of Iraq, where bombings and shootings brought the deaths of more than 60 people, including 8 American soldiers. Meanwhile, America watched the Emmys, the arbitrary annual celebration of "the best of television," this year featuring a lot of awards for canceled shows, a posthumous tribute to Aaron Spelling christened with the tears of his reunited Charlie's Angels, and further proof that Stephen Colbert is the funniest man God ever created. Better than ever: the red carpet, where this year not one but two Access Hollywood hosts kicked themselves hilariously in the mouths. Nancy O'Dell's gaffe was mildly excruciating—"Are you hoping to add an Emmy to your Oscar?" O'Dell asked Annette Bening; "Um... I don't have an Oscar," said Bening—but Billy Bush's was heartrending. Attempting to engage actor Jeremy Piven, Bush inquired brightly if Piven had seen his recent costar Jennifer Garner's baby. "No," said Piven. Bush asked if he'd seen Brad and Angelina's baby. "I don't hunt celebrity babies," said Piven. Finally, Bush asked if Piven had seen Suri Cruise. "You're a good guy," said Piven. "You have something to offer to the world. But you need a better job."
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