MONDAY, JUNE 30 This week of expired bigots, battered geese, and questionable-at-best Democrats kicks off with a hell of a story out of Salem, Massachusetts, where a mother is facing criminal charges after allegedly neglecting her 8-year-old son's chemotherapy treatments. Details come from ABC News, which identifies the mom as 36-year-old Kristen LaBrie, whose son, Jeremy, was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in late 2006. When treatment drove his cancer into remission, Jeremy was given an 85 to 90 percent chance of survival, dependent on a "five-phase" regimen of home chemotherapy that required his mother to pick up and administer medications to her son and return him to the hospital for follow-up treatments. But according to prosecutors at Salem District Court, there is no record of LaBrie picking up any medication; in addition, she missed four of her son's chemo appointments and rescheduled 12 others. As a result, her son's treatment was delayed and his chances of recovery diminished to 10 percent. For her various failures, Ms. LaBrie was arraigned today on charges of child endangerment and ordered to have no contact with her son (who's been placed with his father) until further notice.

TUESDAY, JULY 1 The week continues with a ridiculous robbery saga from the streets of Seattle. Action commenced this morning at 10:10 a.m.—when a bewigged man with a gun and black shoe polish on his face allegedly helped himself to a large sum of money from a Wells Fargo Bank in West Seattle—and concluded a short while later, after the black-faced bank robber led police on a city-spanning chase that ended in a SWAT-team standoff, during which the man repeatedly refused orders to drop his gun and was subsequently shot three to five times in the head and neck. Tomorrow will bring further details from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, who'll identify the shot suspect as Douglas M. Cox, a 50-year-old man with two prior convictions for armed bank robbery, and reveal his "deadly weapon" to be a pellet gun, purchased at a West Seattle sporting-goods store and designed to look like a Colt .45. Having miraculously survived the three to five gunshots to his neck and head, Cox remains hospitalized in critical condition.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2 Historically, Last Days has reported Republican peccadilloes with unadulterated relish. In the spirit of fair play, today we give equal ink to allegedly diabolical Democrats—specifically, a pair of women in North Carolina. More specifically: Diana Palmer, current vice chairwoman of the Durham County Democratic Party, and Joy Johnson, former vice chairwoman of the Durham County Democratic Party, each of whom has been arrested in connection with "alleged satanic rituals that involved beatings and sexual assault." Also in custody: Johnson's husband, Joseph Craig, a 25-year-old healer and devotee of "Magick" who seems to be the engine for the whole mess. As ABC News reports: "Joseph Craig was arrested last week on second-degree kidnapping charges for allegedly forcing a man into a dog cage and beating him with a wooden cane and a cable cord... He is also accused of raping a woman while his wife watched." (Prosecutors said the victims claimed they were taking part in a satanic ritual.) Meanwhile, Johnson stands charged with aiding and abetting rape and assault with a deadly weapon, while Palmer faces charges as an accessory after the fact to assault with a deadly weapon.

• • Speaking of creepy Democrats: "This afternoon, I boarded a bus leaving Fourth Avenue for Capitol Hill," reports Hot Tipper Mary Jane. "Several people, apparently canvassers for the DNC, boarded and sat in the wheelchair-accessible seats—a bearded man in his mid-30s and five younger people, all very enthusiastic about the DNC. The Bearded One started talking and the other five sat enraptured. They were so involved that they didn't hear the wheelchair lift, or see the man in the wheelchair as he boarded the bus. They didn't notice the man in the wheelchair when he stopped in front of them. The bus driver had to get up, walk back, and tell three people to move before they even noticed that someone else existed on the bus. The three moved to other seats, during which time the Bearded One NEVER STOPPED SPEAKING. No wonder the country is going to hell in a handbasket."

THURSDAY, JULY 3 The week continues with a clobbered goose, identified by Q13 as Goose E. Goose, a beloved community goose who had resided at Seattle's Coronado Springs Apartments for nine happy years—until last month, when eyewitnesses reported seeing Goose E. Goose "being beaten and held down while its wing feathers were torn out." Neighbors told Q13 this is the third assault of a goose the community has seen this year, one of which "involved a decapitation." As for Goose E.: He's recovering at Pasado's Safe Haven animal sanctuary, which is offering a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest, prosecution, and conviction of the person or people responsible for the beating of Goose E. Stay tuned.

FRIDAY, JULY 4 The week continues with the long-awaited death of Jesse Helms, the conservative Republican who served three decades as North Carolina senator/spokesmodel for Southern-fried bigots, and who died today at age 86. In the secular world, Helms will be best remembered as the dopey villain in the early-'90s culture wars, leading a notorious clampdown on "pornographic and profane" art underwritten by the National Endowment of the Arts. (Google "NEA four" for impressively ridiculous details.) In the political sphere, Helms will be eternally remembered as an unapologetic bigot, who routinely dropped damning verbal shitbombs with pride. (Fighting to cut AIDS funding, Helms blamed the sickness on "deliberate, disgusting, revolting conduct"; criticizing 1960s civil-rights protests, Helms wrote, "The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that's thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men's rights.") He wasn't a total monster: In 1962, Helms and his wife read about a 9-year-old orphan with cerebral palsy who "wanted parents," and adopted him. Still, there's no denying that Jesse Helms was an American success story of the worst sort, made possible through exploited fear and ignorance and a stain on the country doomed to have him. May we all draw consolation from the fact eloquently expressed by one Slog commenter: "He died thinking a black man might be president."

SATURDAY, JULY 5 Speaking of crappy humans-turned-celebration-worthy corpses: The week continues with Adolf Hitler, whose waxy likeness was unveiled today at the new Madame Tussauds in Berlin. Even better, the museum's second visitor—a 41-year-old man—promptly attacked the Hitler figure and ripped off its head, for which he now faces an investigation for causing damage to property and bodily harm. (Dude shoved guards to get waxy Adolf.)

SUNDAY, JULY 6 Nothing happened today, unless you count the slow roasting of Jesse Helms in the depths of hell, where Last Days likes to think he's being aggressively fisted by a buff black man while being photographed by a visiting-from-heaven Robert Mapplethorpe.

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