MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 This week of cracked-out Chihuahuas, resuscitated sanity, and world-historic economic peril kicks off with nothing, unless you count day one of the aforementioned world-historic economic peril, a plate-shifting nightmare we can't bear to confront today, so instead let's divert ourselves with the 35-year-old man arrested for indecent exposure after being caught wanking in the bushes of Seattle's Green Lake Park. Details come from the police report obtained by The Stranger's Jonah Spangenthal-Lee, which identifies the true star of today's nonstory: the woman who hid behind a tree to call police while she watched the wanker wank. According to the police report, the woman recognized the man as the same fellow who'd masturbated in front of her and her daughter near Green Lake Community Center three days prior. She also said the man "had some kind of flesh-colored, realistic-looking phony penis strapped to his genitals." Cops arrived and apprehended the man, who produced a dildo from his pants along with the explanation that he only had it "to make it look like he did have a large real penis through his tight-fitting pants." The dildo was confiscated, and the man—who has a prior conviction for indecent exposure—was arrested.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Nothing happened today, unless you count day two of Economic Hell Week, which we'll continue to ignore with the help of the week's obligatory mauling-by-pit-bull. Today's setting: Moses Lake, Washington, where this evening a 6-year-old boy was playing in his grandmother's backyard when a pit bull pushed through the fence and attacked. When the boy attempted to flee, KING 5 reports, the dog pounced and commenced biting the boy's face, ears, and scalp—stopping only when the boy's mother and some neighbors fought the dog off—and inflicting injuries so severe the boy was airlifted to Harborview Medical Center, where he remains in serious condition. "They estimate it will be about a month," said the boy's aunt to KING 5. "He'll need a lot of things done and a lot of future surgeries." Police say the dog will be put down and its owner will face charges.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 In much better news, the week continues with a much-needed tonic to last week's barrage of race-baiting innuendo and easily disproved bullshit flowing from the stunningly filthy John McCain campaign. After being stunned into submission by McCain's unapologetic mendacity (and his genius ploy of casting any and all critique of the GOP as knee-jerk attacks from a biased liberal media), this week the press struck back with a series of sane, careful articles calling McCain on his shameless crap. Last Days' favorite: the concisely titled "McCain Waging Dishonorable Campaign" by Washington Post columnist Ruth Marcus: "All campaigns fall short, but... it is a phony evenhandedness, comfortable for journalists but ultimately misleading, that equates these failures without measuring the grossness of their deviation from the standard of decency. In the 2008 race, and especially in the last few weeks, the imbalance has become unnervingly stark. Neither candidate is running the honest, confront-the-hard-questions campaign he promised. McCain's transgressions, though, are of a different magnitude. His whoppers are bigger; there are more of them... He asserts that Obama's new taxes could 'break your family budget' and that an Obama presidency would inflict 'painful tax increases on working American families.' Hardly. Obama would lower taxes for most households and lower them more than McCain. The only 'painful tax increases on working American families' would be on working families making more than $250,000. Likewise, the McCain campaign has its story about Sarah Palin, and it's sticking with it—facts be damned. She said 'thanks but no thanks' to that 'bridge to nowhere,' except that she didn't: She backed the bridge until it was unpopular, then scooped up the money and used it for other projects... Called on these fouls, he has denied and repeated them... Is there any reason to trust that a man running this campaign would go on to be an honest president?" By next week, the McCain campaign will be actively barring press from campaign events. Stay tuned.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 Speaking of nerve-racking progress: One day after certified Hollywood star Brad Pitt announced his $100,000 donation to fight California's Proposition 8 (the November ballot initiative that would eliminate same-sex couples' right to marry), today brings another chunk of sensible pro-gay activism, made all the more gratifying by its unlikely source—the San Diego Union-Tribune, the conservative California daily that today announced its position against Prop. 8. "Christian conservatives have asserted for years that allowing gays to marry would undermine heterosexual unions—hence, such laws as the Defense of Marriage Act. In truth, however, there has been no discernible impact on traditional marriage between a man and a woman now that gay couples in California have the same right."
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 In goofier news, today we turn to life in Tacoma, Seattle's southern sister city, where last night an employee at a veterinary clinic called police with news of a suspicious incident. As today's Kitsap Sun reports, "The employee told an officer a Chihuahua had been brought into the clinic by a 40-year-old Silverdale man. The veterinarian believed the dog had ingested methamphetamine based on its strange behavior." Scanned for its microchip, the dog—which the Silverdale man told the vet had been given to him to repay a debt—was discovered to be the long-lost pet of a 58-year-old Bremerton woman, who'd reported the dog missing a year ago. The tweaky-but-okay dog was returned to its original owner, and no charges were filed.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 The week continues with a hideously blood-splattered Saturday, thanks to the massive truck bombing at a Marriott Hotel in Islamabad, Pakistan, (which killed 53 people, including two U.S. Defense Department employees and a Czech ambassador) and the deadly shooting spree in Washington State's Olympic National Park, where a 36-year-old psycho fatally shot 51-year-old Forest Service officer Kristine Fairbanks and 59-year-old retired corrections officer Richard Ziegler before being fatally gunned down by police.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 The week ends with Last Days' long-delayed acknowledgement of the week's history-altering financial mess, courtesy of guest know-it-all Jonathan Golob: "Nothing happened today, beyond the continued implosion of the get-rich-quick scheme that apparently was our economy. One by one, huge institutions of the American financial system—many that survived the Great Depression—were swallowed into the growing black hole. Fearing for their lives, having lost the money of Asian central banks and oil despots worldwide, the fund managers of Wall Street started raiding the American taxpayer's wallet—to the tune of a trillion dollars. On the positive, we now own an aircraft-leasing business (among many other things). On the negative, the downward spiral of our financial lives was only temporarily halted."
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