· · Also today, 65 percent of Mississippi's misguided voters approved a measure to keep the Confederate flag--widely seen as a symbol of slavery and racism--in a prominent place on the state banner, Reuters reported. Southern-fried lunatic and potential Republican gubernatorial candidate John Thomas Cripps summed up the pro-flag argument: "We proclaim before Almighty God and before all nations of the earth, that we are a separate and distinct people, with an honorable heritage and culture worthy of protection and preservation." Mississippi, one of the most back-assward states in the nation, can now add an economic boycott to its long list of woes.
· · Also today, Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh turned down an animal-rights group's suggestion that he not eat meat for his last meal, but he said he understood the cause, Reuters reported. "Truth is... I've seen slaughterhouses myself, but I still believe in reasonable taking and eating of game," McVeigh wrote to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). "The answer is as the Indians believed: respect for the life you take to sustain yourself, but come to terms with your place in the food chain." Is it just Last Days, or was McVeigh, responsible for the murders of 168 people (none of whom were presumably eaten), easier to stand before he started opening his yap and sharing?
TUESDAY, APRIL 17 Security guard Randy Thomason, a 21-year veteran of the Tri-Cities Airport, prevented a take-off collision shortly after 5:00 a.m. today, when no air traffic controllers were on duty, the Associated Press reported. Thomason noticed that on Runway 3, a private Lear jet was preparing to take off, while on Runway 30, a twin-engine turboprop carrying 17 passengers and three crew members to Seattle was taxiing toward the Lear jet. "The terminal was between the two aircraft, which blocked the pilots from seeing each other out on the runways," Thomason said. The quick-thinking rent-a-cop contacted the pilots on his radio and thwarted a nasty crash. Last Days vows that we will never, ever land our private jet at this airport again.
· · Also today, who knew that nighttime airports were such hotbeds of newsworthy activity? Marion Barry, the former Washington, D.C. mayor who served six months for cocaine possession, was ordered to perform 20 hours of community service in exchange for charges against him for indecent exposure being dropped, Reuters reported. Barry was accused of shoving and exposing himself to 30-year-old janitor Terry Jenkins, who was cleaning an airport men's room in the wee hours. Dear Penthouse, I hoped it would never happen to me....
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18 There's just no end to the sexy urban folklore! Hot Tipper Miguel wrote in that he was asked to pass through the metal detector at the Seattle Municipal Building. "Because of pins in my legs and a plate in my skull and my metal jewelry, I try to avoid these devices whenever possible. I explained each beep, but he kept tapping my vest pocket. He insisted I empty my pockets, and then the dreaded metal weaponry appeared--a condom! The lesson to be gleaned is this: If you plan a sexual interlude with a municipal employee, be safe, but avoid those Mylar wrappers!" Thanks for the tip, Miguel!
THURSDAY, APRIL 19 Over-the-hump day started with Hot Tipper Theresa confiding to us that she witnessed two burly police officers doing a little window shopping. "Suddenly, I heard their radios announce, 'Two female dancers fighting at the Lusty Lady.' I've never seen cops move that fast before. They were in their car and down the road before you could say, 'Girl fight in cellblock H!'" Lured by visions of torn fishnets, lethal Lee Press-On Nails, and rivers of tear-smeared mascara, Theresa leapt in her car and followed them to the scene of the "crime." Sadly, by the time she arrived, the troublesome vixens had kissed and made up and were once again dearest pals. Dear Penthouse, why doesn't this ever happen to me?
FRIDAY, APRIL 20 The Nebraska Supreme Court ruled that the mother of Teena Brandon, the murdered cross-dressing young woman whose story inspired the movie Boys Don't Cry, deserves more compensation for her daughter's death, Reuters reported today. In his scathing review, Nebraska Supreme Court Chief Justice John Hendry demanded larger damage awards against Richardson County, Nebraska, and its sheriff, Charles Laux. A tape-recorded interview Laux conducted with Brandon after she was raped revealed that "Laux's conduct was extreme and outrageous, beyond all possible bounds of decency... atrocious and utterly intolerable in a civilized community." The Nebraska Supreme Court then sent the case to a district court for a new determination of damages--some of which will hopefully come straight out of Laux's personal bank account.
SATURDAY, APRIL 21 Hundreds of drunken, tattooed, aging punk rockers squeezed themselves onto the back patio of Anchor Tattoo in Ballard to get totally loaded and to bid a fond adieu to Slim, the lead singer of the Vaccines, and his lovely lady Clare. The much-loved couple is heading to Austin, Texas, with their toddler Nashville. "We're gonna have some more kids, put a bunch of cars up on blocks in our yard, buy guns, and let our dogs run loose," the snaggle-toothed but strangely charismatic G. G. Allin acolyte confided shortly before donning a flaming cardboard Black Label beer box as a hat and challenging the audience to hit him in the face. Good luck, kids! This town won't be the same without you!
SUNDAY, APRIL 22 We'll bid farewell to this entire sordid and strange week with a Hot Tip from Andy, who after reading last week's "impromptu douche" story was inspired to share his own public transportation horror story. "I sat in the back of the bus next to a man and a woman, both obviously down on their luck. The man asked the woman, very loudly, 'Sarah, how are them crabs?' To which the woman sadly responded, 'Still got 'em. Every time I use that shampoo, I feel like I'm killing a thousand souls.'" Says the horrified Andy, "I rang the bell and got off at the next stop." No doubt asking himself, Dear Penthouse, WHY does this stuff happen to me...?