MONDAY, APRIL 23 The week began with Peruvian and U.S. intelligence officials scrambling to assign blame for strafing a plane full of American missionaries, sending it hurtling into the Amazon River, Reuters reported. With assistance from the United States, Peru has shot or forced down more than 30 suspected drug flights in an attempt to curb the country's booming cocaine industry. At the White House, spokesman Ari Fleischer stubbornly maintained that the U.S. anti-drug team had acted properly: "Obviously, something went wrong and lives were lost in a program that is meant to fight the war on drugs." Thirty-five-year-old Roni Bowers and her seven-month-old daughter, Charity, were the latest casualties in this absurd and unwinnable war.

· · Also today, if you're one of the thousands of ghouls expected to flock to Terre Haute, Indiana, to enjoy convicted Oklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh's May 16 execution, you'll be able to commemorate the occasion with a clever souvenir T-shirt, Reuters reported. Thirty-one-year-old Tony Lewis is just one of the many vendors meeting market needs with pro-death- and anti-death-penalty T-shirts. Perhaps his bleeding-heart version--a "Stop the Killing, Let McVeigh Live" shirt, featuring a man strapped to a gurney--is the one for you? Or maybe you'd prefer the less-conflicted shirt, which reads, "Terre Haute... Hangin'... Die, Die, Die!" with McVeigh's grim likeness? Lewis, who is unwittingly continuing a tradition that dates back to the French Revolution when little tiny guillotines were sold at public executions, unsurprisingly confessed, "I'm doing it just to make a little money."

TUESDAY, APRIL 24 Nineteen-year-old Jason Vincent Revels, who pleaded guilty to skinning and beheading a dog, was sentenced by a North Carolina Superior Court judge to three years probation and ordered to read the Lassie books, the Associated Press reported today. Perhaps Revels, who has prior convictions for assault with a deadly weapon and marijuana possession, may one day grow to love dogs as much as that scary psychopath in Silence of the Lambs loved his fluffy little Precious.

· · Also today, Eastside couple Rosemary and Jerry Heinen bounced back from personal bankruptcy by allegedly embezzling more than $3.7 million from Starbucks, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported. A 19-page detailed list of what the greedy thieves acquired with their ill-gotten gains comes as part of a judgment the coffee giant recently won against them. The 489 items range from real estate and classic cars to a roll of paper towels and a fish-filleting knife. Everything--including, presumably, the paper towels--will be auctioned off in Kenmore in May.

· · Also today, FBI agents raided the offices of the Independent Media Center in downtown Seattle on Saturday night after the center allegedly posted stolen security plans concerning the trade summit in Quebec City on its website, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported. The IMC, "a collective of independent media organizations and hundreds of journalists offering grass-roots, non-corporate, non-commercial coverage of important social and political issues" has apparently committed no violation of U.S. law by posting the document. Hopefully the center will keep fighting the good fight against the globalization bogeyman.

· · Overheard: While waiting in line at the post office on Broadway, a bleached blonde and slightly disheveled woman confided to her slender and chic friend, "If I told you that I was sexually attracted to Jack from the Jack in the Box commercials, would you think there was something wrong with me?"

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25 The past has come back to haunt former U.S. Senator Bob Kerrey, Reuters reported today. Kerrey, widely seen as a potential Democratic candidate for president in 2004, has admitted that a Navy SEAL combat mission he led during the Vietnam War was responsible for the shooting deaths of more than 20 unarmed civilians, mostly women and children. The incident came to light as a result of a joint investigation by The New York Times Magazine and CBS News' 60 Minutes II and was confirmed by Kerrey in an on-camera interview. "After it was over, I was so ashamed I wanted to die," he confessed. Though the former Nebraska governor and two-term senator said that the men in the squadron did not know they were killing unarmed civilians, a former squad member contradicted that statement, saying, "We herded them all together in a group" and "lined them up and opened fire" from very close range. Kerrey received the Bronze Star for the mission.

THURSDAY, APRIL 26 A California appeals court has upheld a jury's decision to give a woman $1.08 million because a doctor surgically enlarged her breasts without her permission, Reuters reported. An attorney for Sandra Perry said she was "ecstatic" that a 2nd District Court of Appeal Panel upheld a Superior Court jury finding that Dr. William Shaw committed battery when he enlarged her breasts from size 34B to 40DD during surgery intended just to remove saggy excess skin. Perry has never gotten a breast reduction, because "she's lost faith in the medical profession," and also presumably because she lives in Los Angeles.

· · Also today, while blithely trespassing on the train tracks down by lovely Golden Gardens Park in Ballard, Last Days and our little dog, Franny, came within inches of being squished by an Amtrak train. We were, in fact, still standing on the edge of the tracks as the metallic beast hurtled past. If you have ever uttered the phrase, "What kind of dumbass would get hit by a train?" please join us in publicly apologizing to the unfairly maligned and flattened dead. Trust us--a train can hit any kind of dumbass. So save your friends and family a lot of grief: Drink your 40-ouncers of malt liquor; watch the stunning sunset; walk your damn dogs--but stay off those lethal tracks!

FRIDAY, APRIL 27 Today Last Days suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, which filled us with some sympathy for Bob Kerrey.

SATURDAY, APRIL 28 A parolee convicted of stealing the identity of golf superstar Tiger Woods to run up $17,000 in credit-card expenses has been sentenced to a staggering 200 years to life in prison under California's tough "three strikes" law. Thirty-year-old Anthony Lemar Taylor used the golfer's full name, Social Security number, and birth date to obtain a driver's license and credit card applications for purchases that included televisions, stereos, and other goods. "His record goes back 17 years,'' Sacramento County Deputy District Attorney Russ Detrick told The Sacramento Bee. "The door should be slammed shut." Last Days would like to make a witty comment about this news item, but we're curled up in a fetal position on the floor, clutching a dog-eared copy of Les Miserables to our chest and sobbing softly.

SUNDAY, APRIL 29 Loyal readers will remember last week's item concerning a "shameless display of anal exhibitionism" in a Madison Park drinking establishment. Due to the absurd and inflammatory nature of this Hot Tip, Last Days begged for corroborating witnesses. Be careful what you ask for! Phone calls and e-mail messages from Hot Tippers galore informed us that the scoundrel perpetrating the act was in his late 50s and wore an icky navy-blue double-breasted sportcoat. He trolled the bar for hours before he found a willing victim. Numerous spectators gathered on the sidewalk and elbowed one another for an unimpeded view through the picture window. And most disturbingly, everyone in the bar gave the amorous couple a standing ovation! Who knew that snooty ol' suburb could be so damn dirty? Have a wonderful week, you sordid perverts, and thanks for sharing!