MONDAY, APRIL 5
Attention car-driving druggies: You'll want to start leaving your stash at home when you head out for those leisurely drug-enhanced drives, as today the U.S. Supreme Court gave police broad new powers to search the personal belongings of any passenger inside any car suspected of containing contraband. With a 6-3 vote, the high court ruled that police officers may inspect a passenger's purse, briefcase, pockets, or Altoids tin without a search warrant if they have sufficient grounds to search the car. Sadly, the Supreme Court has already ruled that the police can stop your car for basically any reason whatsoever, part of their ongoing campaign to eliminate our civil liberties one by one. So if you simply must drive around with drugs on your person, please be wise and stuff them up your anus.
··:· Speaking of anuses: A sad but hilarious tale from popular Seattle sex club Basic Plumbing. Tonight, after a lovely evening spent drinking up a storm, a randy young man ventured into BP looking for some hot Monday night action. Dehydrated from his booze intake, the young man strolled into the bathroom and sucked down two cups of "water" from the water cooler. He soon experienced a ferocious burning in his esophagus and realized that he had drank not H2O (available from a water fountain in the hall) but H2O2, the hydrogen peroxide mouthwash kept in the (clearly marked) cooler in the washroom. The man promptly vomited all over the place, then went about his sexy business. What a trouper.
TUESDAY, APRIL 6
Yesterday 21-year-old Russell Henderson pleaded guilty to kidnapping and murdering gay college student Matthew Shepard, receiving two consecutive life sentences from a judge who remarked, "This court does not believe you feel any true remorse in this matter." Today, The New York Times reported on the heartbreaking particulars of the drama-packed, one-hour hearing, where, for the first time, Shepard's parents faced their son's killer. Shepard's mom recounted the heartbreak of her final meeting with Matthew, and Shepard's dad told of bathing his young son and teaching him to sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," "Frere Jacques," and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," adding, "You, Mr. Henderson, helped to sink that boat, to shoot Frere Jacques, and to shoot down that star." Last Days really wanted to make a joke about Russell Henderson receiving a third life sentence for shooting Frere Jacques, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7
Justice was served today in Everett, where an icky hospital aide was sentenced to seven years in prison for molesting sedated patients, reports the Seattle P-I. Former Stevens Hospital aide Michael Acron was found guilty of two counts of indecent liberties by Snohomish County Superior Court Judge and Chief Buttkicker Thomas Wynne, who called Acron's conduct "outrageous," and imposed an exceptionally high sentence -more than twice the upper limit of the standard sentencing range-because of "the vulnerability of Acron's victims and the abuse of his position of trust." (Acron was charged with placing his penis in the mouth of one female patient and kissing and fondling the breasts of another; both women were recovering from surgery and were heavily medicated at the time.)
··:· Speaking of losers who can't get laid with conscious women: Tonight, after a sexually frustrating evening of clubbing, a Stranger staffer went to Taboo Video on Aurora and purchased a multi-pack of pornographic magazines with an "ass" theme. The young man says that although the magazines fulfilled their intended purpose, the images were ultimately found to be lacking in emotional depth, and were discarded the following morning.
THURSDAY, APRIL 8
Tonight a fearless young woman ventured into KeyArena and the exotic world of Sonics basketball. Her first impressions of the pro basketball experience? "What was happening on the sidelines was way more entertaining than the game," she said, citing the cannon that fired T-shirts, the radio-controlled mini-blimp that distributed coupons, and the vivacious Sonics mascot, "which, apparently, is meant to resemble Sasquatch, but looks more like Leif Garrett." The surrounding crowd was also highly diverting: "There was this guy in front of me in a green and yellow jacket that said 'SONICS GUY.' Throughout the game he was red-faced and yelling, and when the Sonics did something particularly great, he swung his scarf around over his head, whipping the people behind him in the face." Next to her was another guy, this one with his young daughter on his lap. "I heard him say, 'If you're really good, someday you can be a Sonics dancer.' I wanted to call Children's Protective Services." (For the record, the Sonics triumphed over the Portland Trailblazers 87-86.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 9
As the week came to a close, Seattleites tossed off the shackles of the workplace and got down to some serious partying. In downtown Seattle, a whole bunch of fags gathered for a surprise birthday party featuring Teletubbies party favors, lots of booze, and a performance by a stripper named Rico, whose cop-themed strip tease delighted some and disgusted others. Rico's fans appreciated his gregariousness, his abandon, and his highly developed body; Rico's detractors disliked his choice of music (Billy Ocean), his long, product-heavy hair, and his razor-burned thighs. "Still, he was a really good sport for a straight guy," said one partygoer. "Plus, he told us he shaves his butt all by himself, which is impressive." Meanwhile, up on Capitol Hill, a much straighter crowd gathered at the Daughters of the American Revolution building, for a wedding party. While this gathering featured no razor-burned strippers, it did boast a rambunctious live DJ, who pumped up the well-dressed crowd with such rousing numbers as "La Bamba," "Hava Nagila," and "YMCA."
··:· Also today: A small but passionate procession of poetry lovers took to the streets in honor of National Poetry Month. Brandishing signs and chapbooks, the poet brigade marched from Seattle literary landmark Hugo House on Capitol Hill down to Westlake Park, where several poets disappeared into Nordstrom.
SATURDAY, APRIL 10
Today a variety of concerned citizens, smartypants seismologists, and millennialist freaks descended upon Ingraham High School for Seattle's sixth annual Disaster Day forum. Co-sponsored by the Seattle Disaster Aid & Response Teams and Seattle Project Impact, the community forum drew over 500 people hungry for information on the array of impending tragedies currently facing mankind, from earthquakes to Y2K.
Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, a real-life tragedy was unfolding in front of Rite-Aid on Broadway, where onlookers were shocked to find a real live duck waddling on the sidewalk. An eyewitness said the duck was first treated with kindness (a misguided hippie fed it a peanut butter cookie) but was quickly subjected to cruelty (some meanie kicked it in the butt). Traumatized, the duck flew away.
SUNDAY, APRIL 11
Tonight in the mystical land of Ballard: Friends and family gathered at Hattie's Hat to pay tribute and bid farewell to legendary Hattie's bartender Elsie Borrows, retiring after 28 years of slinging booze and chatting up drunks at the Ballard watering hole. Having seen Hattie's through its boom years (as a family-style restaurant in the '70s) and its darker days (as a sailor-heavy dive in the '80s), Borrows now plans to spend her time gardening and taking care of her mother.
Meanwhile on Capitol Hill: Drunks and more drunks gathered at the Breakroom to pay tribute and bid farewell to our own Everett True, who'll soon be dragging his limey ass back to his native England. Highlights included knockout karaoke numbers by Wm. Steven Humphrey, Krist Novoselic, Dan Savage, and, of course, Mr. True himself, who belted out Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" and the Bee Gees' "How Deep is Your Love?" before singing a set of Ramones covers with the Promise Keepers . Hugs & Kisses to you, Mr. True, you drunk bastard.
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