MONDAY, MARCH 28 This week of furniture fusion, problematic massage, and grievously misplaced mice kicks off with a blind date story for the ages. Our setting: London, England, where 42-year-old Sarah Kemp traveled from her Edinburgh home to meet George Bentley, a 47-year-old man she'd met through an online dating site. "I would never have agreed to go to London on a blind date," said Kemp to Scotland's Daily Record. "But we hit it off from the beginning, and our relationship blossomed as we emailed each other more and more often." Thus, Kemp trekked to London to meet Bentley at his favorite East Ham pub, where after about an hour of conversation, the two would-be lovers realized they were siblings. As AOL News reports, "Kemp and Bentley grew up together until their parents divorced in 1975. Kemp moved with her mother to Edinburgh, while Bentley stayed with his father." Bentley's previous attempts to find his sister—whom he'd last seen when she was 6—were complicated by Kemp retaining her husband's name after their divorce, which guaranteed her brother's searches for Sarah Bentley were a dead end. "To meet your long-lost brother, in a bar, after over 30 years would be something by itself," said Kemp to the Daily Record. "But to meet him in those circumstances—on a date, for crying out loud—really is something else. We obviously had far more in common than first thought." Having previously shared a vagina, Bentley and Kemp blanched at sharing another, and remain friends.

TUESDAY, MARCH 29 The week continues with an allegedly drunken masseuse story for the ages. As KIRO reported today, the saga began back on September 28, 2010, when an unnamed patient arrived for an 8:00 p.m. appointment with Olympia massage therapist Elizabeth Hall. The patient reported to the Department of Health (DOH) that Hall spent the first 30 minutes of the session crying and talking about personal problems, after which the "emotional and distracted" masseuse began to poke at the patient's back. When the patient asked her to stop, Hall refused, allegedly holding the patient down on the massage table by lying across her back and putting her in a choke hold. Cops arrived to detain the rogue masseuse, who reportedly had a breath alcohol concentration of .428. Earlier this month, the DOH charged Hall with unprofessional conduct. Condolences to all.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30 The week continues with a nightmare of a story reported right here in King County, where last year a Federal Way man went to the Des Moines Fred Meyer store to buy a Monster Energy Drink and wound up with a story that his grandchildren will tell their grandchildren. Unfortunately, the story is horrible. "It happened March 20, 2010," reports KING 5, identifying the man as 19-year-old Vitaliy Sulzhik, who enjoyed the entirety of his Monster Energy Drink before realizing something was amiss. "I put [the can] down and I felt it was still heavy," said Sulzhik to KING 5. "So I backwashed it and all this debris went into my mouth. Then I looked in the can and I saw the tip of the tail and I vomited everywhere." Inside the can: a dead mouse, which was cut out of the can by MDE Inc., the forensic and engineering laboratory in Seattle that ran tests on the can and its contents on behalf of Sulzhik and Monster's insurance company. "X-rays and autopsies showed the mouse didn't suffer any trauma, like from a mouse trap, nor was it killed using poison," reports KING 5. "In other words, there were no signs the mouse was killed and then forced through the opening." Sulzhik is suing the Monster Beverage Company and "hasn't drunk anything from a can since." Early next week, Monster Beverage Company will denounce Sulzhik's "frivolous and unfounded" product-liability suit via press release, which will blame the tainting on Sulzhik, who left the can open and unattended in his car for hours, during which time a small mouse presumably could have entered the beverage. Stay tuned. (Just kidding.)

THURSDAY, MARCH 31 Following two weeks featuring stories of hoarded corpses, today brings the resurrection of another long-lost Last Days topic: the physical fusion of sedentary humans and the furniture on which they sit. Today's story comes from Bellaire, Ohio, where this past weekend a morbidly obese man was removed from his home and taken to the hospital after being found fused to the chair in which he'd been sitting and doing everything else for two years. "Officers who responded to the scene said that the man's skin was fused to the fabric of [the] chair and that he was sitting in his own feces and urine with maggots visible," reports WTRF-TV. "One officer said it was the worst thing he had ever responded to." While the man-chair combo was tended to by medical professionals, attention fell on those who helped facilitate the feces-drenched nightmare, or at least ignored the stench. "The unnamed man lived with two able-bodied roommates—including his girlfriend, who officials said fed him since he never got up," reports WTRF, before explicating the stickiness of holding anyone legally responsible for the mess. (Short version: Police can't do anything because the 43-year-old man was not being held against his will, and Adult Protective Services can't intervene because he's under 60 years old.) Whatever the case, today the man who was fused to and then cut loose from his chair died. No matter where he went, he's in a better place.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1 The week continues with ridiculous horror in Afghanistan, where today eight UN workers were killed by Muslims made furious by a stupid US pastor's burning of a Koran. As the Associated Press reports, the murdered UN workers included employees of Norwegian, Romanian, and Swedish nationalities, and at least two of them were beheaded. The deadly riots will continue tomorrow, when nine people will be killed and more than 80 injured in Kandahar. The moral: Everyone is stupid, except the unlucky UN workers, who are dead.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2 Nothing happened today, unless you count the continuation of yesterday's violence in Afghanistan or the premiere of Charlie Sheen's My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option Show in Detroit, where the unemployed television actor who's been repeatedly accused of brutal violence against the women in his life took the stage for a klutzy 70- minute cavalcade of amateur videos, unfunny jokes, "crack stories," and chicks making out. Silver lining, from the Baltimore Sun: "[The] crowd... turned from initial worship to near open revolt, with chants of 'refund' echoing through the stately Fox Theatre just 30 minutes after a standing ovation." As for what kind of person would pay to be in the same room with Charlie Sheen: "I want to be a part of history," said Sheen appreciator Jeff Rezek to CNN. "I missed Woodstock and I wanted to be here." (Dear crazy Muslims: If you must kill, please at least consider killing someone like Charlie Sheen instead of innocent UN workers. Thank you.)

SUNDAY, APRIL 3 Nothing happened today, including the containment of Japan's nuclear disaster, which will result in millions of gallons of water boasting radiation levels 7.5 million times over the regulatory limit being dumped into the sea. In better news, HBO's Mildred Pierce continues to be awesome.

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