MONDAY, APRIL 4 This week of fabulous fashions, averted shutdowns, and penitent self-mutilators kicks off today in Pittsburgh, where police have uncovered a newfangled twist to the world's oldest profession, identified by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review as "a new trend in paying prostitutes: gift cards." As the PTR reports, this trend revealed itself in the arrest reports of folks nabbed for prostitution-related offenses near the Pittsburgh International Airport, where police found fewer and fewer alleged sex workers packing wads of cash and more and more holding stacks of gift cards. "You automatically believe cash is an ill-gotten gain," said Moon Township police chief Leo McCarthy. "But if you see a couple of gift cards, you might not think twice." However, this new arrangement isn't as cartoonishly hilarious as hookers putting out for 50 bucks at Applebee's. Instead, the favored gift cards are multiuse "stored-value cards," as issued by Visa, MasterCard, and American Express.

TUESDAY, APRIL 5 In much worse news, the week continues in Western Washington, with a family tragedy that started horribly and got worse. Details come from KIRO, which reports the drama first made itself known early this morning along a stretch of I-5, where a state trooper's chase of a speeding vehicle ended with a crash in Tumwater. Found inside the crashed car were a husband and wife, both dead. "The driver, identified as 38-year-old David F. Stewart, shot himself in the head after the crash," reports KIRO. "Troopers then found the passenger, 38-year-old Kristy S. Sampels," also dead from a gunshot to the head. Afternoon brought another crime scene at the couple's home in Spanaway, where their 6-year-old son, Jordan Stewart, will be found dead with a plastic bag over his head. Tomorrow, the Seattle Times will do its best to fill in the blanks, identifying Stewart as a decorated army medic who'd served twice in Iraq and Sampels as a recent surgery patient battling a debilitating illness, and confirming that young Jordan Stewart died Monday of asphyxiation. "[Jordan's] aunt, Teresa Jacobsen of Richmond, Va., said the family had been under a great deal of stress," reports the Times.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6 In much, much better news, the week continues with an update in the saga of Andrew Shirvell, the creepy former assistant state attorney general of Michigan who burst onto the scene last year with his bizarre multimedia campaign against the openly gay student body president of the University of Michigan, whom Shirvell denounced as a Ku Klux Klan–affiliated Nazi with a radical homosexual agenda, repeating these claims everywhere from CNN to on-campus protests to his own obsession-drenched blog. Last December, Shirvell was fired from the attorney general's office for using public resources to wage his crazy campaign and allegedly lying about having done so, and now Shirvell's facing a civil lawsuit filed by the object of his obsession. Details come from the Detroit Free Press, which reports Chris Armstrong—aka the openly gay student body president/alleged KKK member—filed the suit last Friday, accusing Shirvell of stalking him and inflicting emotional distress by obsessively repeating defamatory statements against him, for which he's seeking more than $25,000 in damages. Bonus: Michigan's Attorney Grievance Commission is investigating Shirvell for possible disbarment. Stay tuned!

••Speaking of kooks with public platforms: Today also brings an update on Bristol Palin, the spawn of Sarah/unwed single mother/Dancing with the Stars contender who spends her spare time promoting abstinence to teenagers. As CNN reports, Ms. Palin was made an ambassador of the Candie's Foundation—a group that promotes abstinence to teenagers—months after the then-18-year-old Palin gave birth to her son, Tripp. According to the group's 2009 tax return, the Candie's Foundation paid Palin $262,000 for the honor, which required her to occasionally speak to teens about the risks of putting ding-dongs in hoo-hoos. Condolences to everyone who's not Bristol Palin.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 26-year prison sentence given to Bernard Howell III, the 26-year-old Washington man who confessed to murdering a 60-year-old Yelm woman and having sex with her corpse. As KIRO reports, "The 26-year-old apologized in court and then asked for protection. 'I know there's a lot of guys out there that want to get me for this... Guys call me dead man walking,' said Howell. The protective custody request will be decided by the Department of Corrections."

FRIDAY, APRIL 8 In stark contrast to yesterday, everything happened today, including the averting of a US government shutdown, thanks to a last-minute deal to cut $38.5 billion from the federal budget without decimating Planned Parenthood (thanks for fighting the good fight, Senator Patty Murray), and Worn Out, The Stranger's first-ever fashion show, which packed ACT Theatre with glamorous and insane fashions from local designers Mark Mitchell, Stella Rose Saint Clair, Chris Jones, Jamie Von Stratton, Isaiah Whitmore, Miriam Reynolds, Ceair St. Onge, Ramona Barnes, Maresa Patterson, Cameron Levin, Alex Hancock, Matt Noren and Maikoiyo Alley-Barnes, and Davora Lindner and Camilla Eckersley. Last Days totally regrets missing the show, which smart and judgmental people told us was screamingly great, but we were far away watching a concert in an airport. (See music lead.)

SATURDAY, APRIL 9 The week continues with an update on Bethany Storro, the Washington woman who made headlines (and earned tens of thousands of dollars in donations) after allegedly being attacked by an unknown African American woman who threw acid in her face. Storro made more headlines when she was forced to reveal that the African American attacker was a lie she invented to cover up the fact that she'd thrown drain cleaner in her own face. This week, Storro made even more headlines by pleading guilty to making false statements to a public official, for which she received a suspended one-year sentence. Details on yesterday's plea deal come from the Associated Press: "Wearing a black suit and a clear mask strapped over her scarred face, the 28-year-old Storro apologized in Clark County Superior Court, saying she was genuinely and desperately sorry. Prosecutors will drop a felony theft count if she completes community service, continues mental health treatment, and repays nearly $4,000 in police overtime." Best of luck to Ms. Storro.

SUNDAY, APRIL 10 The week ends with a most happy occasion in the Last Days universe: an item involving Native Americans in the Pacific Northwest that doesn't involve an unjustified fatal shooting by a Seattle police officer. The setting: the University of Washington's HEC Edmundson Pavilion, which today hosted the final day of the UW's 40th annual spring powwow, a three-day celebration that involved 8,000 people, representatives from hundreds of tribes, ornate costumes, and never-ending drums.

Happy spring! Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.