MONDAY, APRIL 11 This week of gluten- based felonies, dangerous sleeping, and actual criminal charges filed against a member of the Seattle Police Department kicks off today in Indonesia. Earlier this year, Indonesia's humongous Muslim population-with-a-growing-subset-of-hard-line-extremists successfully lobbied for a harsh new pornography law, under which manufacturers and consumers of pornographic material face fines and prison terms of up to 15 years. As the Belfast Telegraph reports, the new law has been used to imprison both the lead singer of the country's most popular band (whose sex tape leaked to the internet and earned him 40 months behind bars) and the editor in chief of Playboy magazine in Indonesia (currently serving a two-year sentence). The law was loudly championed by the politician known as Arifinto, a 50-year-old member of parliament representing the staunchly Islamic Prosperous Justice Party—until last Friday, when Arifinto was caught on camera watching porn on his computer during a parliament meeting. This weekend brought the backlash, as photos of the porn-surfing MP graced the front pages of newspapers and critics called for Arifinto's prosecution under the law he helped pass. Today brought the news that Arifinto has resigned from parliament effective immediately.

•• Speaking of people who are lousy at their jobs: Today also brings a local angle to the sizzling hot trend of air traffic controllers who cannot control air traffic because they are asleep. As the Associated Press reports, this morning's Boeing Field snoozefest involved an air traffic controller who conked out on his morning shift (and is "already facing disciplinary action for falling asleep on two separate occasions"). The trend will continue throughout the week: On Wednesday, an air traffic controller will be found asleep at Reno-Tahoe International Airport (while a medical flight carrying an ill patient was trying to land). And on Saturday, a controller at the Miami Air Route Traffic Control Center will be suspended "for falling asleep while on duty during the midnight shift." By week's end, the head of the Federal Aviation Administration's Air Traffic Organization will resign, and federal aviation officials will announce immediate changes in the scheduling of air traffic controllers.

TUESDAY, APRIL 12 Apparently, this is how God wants it: The week continues with the third corpse-hoarding saga of the young year. Today's setting: Houston, Texas, where yesterday a police officer started looking into the whereabouts of Sybil Berndt, an 89-year-old woman whom neighbors hadn't seen since January. Upon arriving at the Berndt family home—which Berndt shared with her adult sons—the officer found Berndt's corpse decaying in the entryway. Unbelievably horrifying details come from KHOU News: "Edward and Edwin Berndt, 49-year-old twins, reported that their mother, Sybil Berndt, died January 13, three days after she endured a fall after interrupting the duo as they watched football." Edwin and Edward allegedly left their mother lying on the floor because they said they couldn't pay for medical treatment. Their mother was conscious and could speak for the first day after the fall, according to court documents. "But she did not receive medical attention, food, or water, and died." Also: "Court documents also stated that bugs were found around the body, which was naked except for a nightgown pulled up under the arms." Edward and Edwin Berndt have been arrested on suspicion of murder.

•• Speaking of crimes that could feasibly make someone vomit: Today, Paul Seelig, the owner of North Carolina's Great Specialty Bread Co., was convicted of 23 counts of fraud for selling bread that was falsely labeled as gluten-free. For this crime against commercial honesty and celiac disease patients, Seelig was sentenced to nine years in prison.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13 The week continues in Seattle, where today a police officer was charged with criminal assault. Details come from charging documents filed today by the Seattle City Attorney's Office, which allege undercover SPD officer James Lee repeatedly kicked a cooperating juvenile suspect in the chest and groin, for which he now faces fourth-degree assault charges punishable by up to a year in jail. Ian Birk and Shandy Cobane remain uncharged and free.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 577 traffic tickets given to speeders, texters, and expired-tag-havers during today's targeted SPD patrol of Aurora Avenue North.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15 Speaking of inspired solutions to budget crises: The week continues with an overview of the hot new heist items of the ongoing depression/global collapse. First up: tomatoes, the cost of which spiked after late-winter freezes damaged Mexican crops and "suddenly made Florida tomatoes a tempting target, on a par with flat-screen TVs or designer jeans," reports the New York Times today. "Late last month, a gang of thieves stole six tractor-trailer loads of tomatoes and a truck full of cucumbers from Florida growers." The estimated value of the heisted goods: over $200,000. But that's small potatoes compared to the criminal world that's sprung up around baby formula, which "has become such a hot commodity among sophisticated theft rings that it's been called 'liquid gold,'" reports ABC News. "The scale of baby formula shoplifting is so vast that it has become an interstate problem, drawn in the FBI and Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and forced chain stores to install elaborate antitheft devices." (On the horizon: federal legislation seeking to make stolen baby formula subject to federal racketeering laws.)

•• On the indie/DIY crime beat, Last Days would like to acknowledge the Rochester woman accused of fleeing a grocery store with 14 live lobsters, and the scrappy Seattle crew selling $5 packs of name-brand cigarettes out of a backpack at Third and Pike.

SATURDAY, APRIL 16 Perhaps you're wondering: Is Charlie Sheen dead yet? As of now, the answer is no, with evidence provided by yesterday's Sheenanigans in Toronto, where Sheen took time out of his career-decimation schedule to raise awareness of bipolar disorder via Twitter. "Stop the Stigma!! Bipolar Awareness Walk!! Please join me at 6pm at the Ritz tonight!," tweeted Sheen yesterday afternoon. "Raise Money! Raise Awareness! #BIPOLAR #BIWINNING." As of today, no reports of a march actually occurring have surfaced. Nevertheless, Charlie Sheen suggesting a bipolar awareness walk that starts RIGHT NOW!! is the funniest thing we've heard all month.

•• In much worse news: Today, Seattle's venerable Intiman Theatre announced it would respond to its current budget crisis by canceling the rest of its 2011 season. Condolences to all at Intiman, which we sincerely hope is not going away forever.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17 The week ends with the killer storms that today continued clobbering the Southeastern United States, with the past three days of storms bringing 230 tornadoes across six states, killing one person in Mississippi, two in Oklahoma, four in Virginia, seven in Alabama, seven in Arkansas, and 23 in North Carolina.

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