Let me begin by offering heartfelt thanks to Tamara Paris, who helmed this column during my six-month absence, and whose marvelous work can still be found all over this paper. During my time away, I wrote a little, read a lot, toured Sodom by the Sea, and met a very good Jake. Now I'm back and itchin' to resume writing America's favorite week-old, pop culture 'n' politics, news-in-review column.
MONDAY, JUNE 25 In a move that instantly convinced Last Days that our return to this column is in complete accordance with God's will, today CBS News reported on the woman in San Luis Obispo, California, found living with the corpse of her dead mother for the past six years! The woman's mother's corpse was discovered last week, when local police stopped by to investigate the mother's two years' worth of uncashed retirement checks. Upon being let into the house by the 63-year-old daughter, police were besieged by stink, and soon discovered the source of the offense: the mother's decomposing body, lying right where she'd taken her last breath--in bed. An autopsy revealed that the woman's mother died of natural causes in February 1995, at the age of 95. According to police, the daughter was so upset by her mother's death that she couldn't bear parting with her. As someone whose strongest allegiances run toward abstract ideals and prescription painkillers, Last Days commends this undoubtedly crazy lady's touching devotion to her mom.
TUESDAY, JUNE 26 Is nothing sacred? Today The Seattle Times reported the deeply unfortunate and entirely unexpected news that many of the Pigs on Parade, Seattle's public art salute to indiscriminate consumption, morbid obesity, and general slovenliness, are being vandalized. "People can't stand not to touch them," said Marlys Erickson, executive director of the Pike Place Market Foundation. Erickson noted that the vandalism tends to fall into two camps: normal wear and tear (from getting poked and prodded, rained on, and sat on), and spray-painted evil, such as swastikas (ew) and anarchy symbols (oh, grow up). Normal wear is repaired on-site by the artist, while graffiti is removed by pig-loving volunteers. However, a few of the 50-pound fiberglass pigs, such as First Avenue's "Candy Apple Pig" and Westlake Center's heinous "Motorcycle Pig," have undergone damage bad enough to warrant a trip to the "pig hospital," a repair warehouse at First Avenue South and Royal Brougham Way. But don't fret: According to Jamie Olsen, colonel of pig maintenance for the Market Foundation, "So far we haven't had any pigs beyond repair." What a pity. If you would like to report pig vandalism, call Jamie Olsen at 682-7453, ext 240. If you would like suggestions for pig vandalism, call Last Days at 323-7101, ext. 3014.
··Speaking of ridiculous hunks of public art: Today the pope freaked out a whole bunch of Ukrainian people by bursting into a Polish folk song, in an effort to stop the driving rainstorm messing up his outdoor appearance in the city of Lviv. The Associated Press reports that the frail, 81-year-old pontiff crooned his traditional Polish mountain song (which beseeches unnecessary rain to return to the sky) in "an unexpected strong and clear voice." Despite the passionate delivery, God declined to honor the ditty, and continued dumping rain on the pope's Ukrainian fan club.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27 With great anticipation and excitement, Last Days bounded out of bed at 7:35 this morning to tune our radio to 103.7 FM the Mountain, for the world-premiere broadcast of the brand-new Mariners anthem. The press release described "Feel It"--written and performed by the band Fisher, and featuring M's slogans and catch phrases provided by Mountain listeners--as "a professionally produced dance rocker guaranteed to drive Mariners' fans to their feet. It is timeless." With bated breath, we waited. Would the new anthem boast the intoxicating passion of "Eye of the Tiger," the foot-stomping grandeur of "We Will Rock You," the universal pathos of "Baby Elephant Walk"? As it turns out, "Feel It" accomplishes none of this, as it is far too busy sucking ass. Shameless, soulless, but mercifully short, Fisher's song resembles nothing so much as an amped-up Hyundai commercial--unsurprising, when you consider that's what the composers do for a living. Fisher, you should be ashamed. Mountain, you should be ashameder.
··Also today: At around 6:00 p.m., a middle-aged white man perched himself on the Aurora Bridge and threatened to jump. Hot Tipper Christopher reports that at least eight cop cars responded to the crisis, with a suicide negotiator joining the troubled man on the bridge, while an older woman (wife? mother?) sat in a nearby car, sobbing. As the local dailies made no mention of this event, Last Days can assume the man did not plunge to his death. (But, having heard the Mountain's new Mariners anthem, we understand the urge.)
··And finally: Today brought the death of beloved, freakishly mannered actor Jack Lemmon, and the arrest of comedian/alleged child molester Paula Poundstone.
THURSDAY, JUNE 28 Today: A teensy tidbit of justice in an exceedingly icky case. The saga began last November in Spokane, when three middle-aged folks with kinky sex leanings abducted three young Japanese women, one of whom was released without harm, two of whom suffered extensive (and videotaped) sexual assaults. Soon after, Lana Vickery, a 43-year-old adult-video store clerk, pleaded guilty to first-degree rape and first-degree kidnapping charges; today, Vickery was sentenced to 15 years and 11 months in prison. According to the Associated Press, Vickery told detectives that she watched while co-defendants Edmund Ball, 40, and David M. Dailey, 38, assaulted the young women in Dailey's basement. Twin sickos Ball and Dailey, who both pleaded guilty to multiple charges in May, will receive their sentences in late July.
FRIDAY, JUNE 29 Today "Vice" President Dick Cheney confessed that his thrice-attacked, quadruple-bypassed heart is on the fritz again. On Sunday, heartsick Dick will have a state-of-the-art pacemaker implanted in his rickety old chest. Reputable doctors will report that Cheney's procedure went fine, but still, 50 bucks says he kicks it by Halloween.
SATURDAY, JUNE 30 Speaking of people with remarkable hearts: Local writer Scot Augustson has long been a favorite among Seattle's dark-humored, shadow-puppet-lovin' fringe theater crowd. Tonight Last Days had the pleasure of seeing Scot's newest (and first full-length) shadow-puppet work, Why? Why? Why?, at Consolidated Works, and we were promptly blown away. Taking its cues from ancient myth and Scot's uniquely twisted brain, Why? is smart, hilarious, and beautifully, naturally theatrical. Plus, Scot and his pitch-perfect cast do with $5,000 what Mary Zimmerman and the Seattle Rep couldn't do with a million. Why? Why? Why? is now extended through July 8. Go see it.
SUNDAY, JULY 1 Still high from our Why? Why? Why? experience, today Last Days trotted out to see the Kubrick-Spielberg blockbuster A.I. And while the film was admirably dark and complex, it ultimately bored the shit out of us. Truly, if we ever see Haley Joel Osment's dewy-eyed mug again, it'll be too soon. A.I. = P.U.
Send Hot Tips and angry e-mail messages demanding the return of Tamara to lastdays@thestranger.com.
