路路Speaking of forcibly removed body parts: Today at the Jewish Hospital in Louisville, two surgeons removed a patient's heart, replacing the faulty organ with a two-pound, two-chambered, plastic-and-titanium artificial heart! The patient (who apparently wishes to remain nameless and genderless) was expected to die within days without the operation, but today's transplant--the first totally implantable, totally enclosed artificial heart--is expected to extend his or her life by a month. Yay for science, and yay for the patient's final July.
TUESDAY, JULY 3 Hey, have you heard the one about the junkie chemist from Marysville? Today in Snohomish County Superior Court, former Washington State Patrol chemist Michael Hoover pleaded guilty to tampering with physical evidence and to official misconduct for taking and using heroin from the Marysville crime lab where he worked. The Seattle Times reports that the 51-year-old Hoover, an 11-year veteran of the State Patrol, had been placed under surveillance last year after colleagues reported that Hoover was "testing unusually large samples of heroin...and acting secretive in testing heroin." Questioned by Patrol investigators last fall, Hoover admitted to using the drug for several months, after he accidentally sniffed some heroin dust at work and found it relieved his back pain. Earlier this year, a deeply penitent Hoover resigned from the Patrol; in September, Hoover faces sentencing for the charges--each carrying a maximum penalty of one year behind bars.
路路Speaking of jail, that's where Robert Iler (best--well, only--known as Tony and Carmella's son on The Sopranos) might be headed after getting busted today in New York City. Sixteen-year-old Iler is charged with mugging two teens for $40 (does HBO pay that poorly?) as well as possessing a loaded bong. If convicted, the young Caucasian celebrity faces up to 15 years in prison.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 4 Hard to believe, but it was only 225 years ago today that the Continental Congress of the English settlements along the Atlantic seacoast--a motley crew of colonial delegates and political philosophers, many of whom wore lovely wigs--gathered in Philadelphia to pass "The Unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United States of America," semi-popularly known as the Declaration of Independence. Drafted by slave-holding Virginian Thomas Jefferson, the brief, eloquent document drew heavily from the political thought of English philosopher John Locke. But while Locke identified the three inalienable rights as "Life, Liberty, and Property," Jefferson axed Locke's final right, replacing the tangible "Property" with the beautifully poetic but completely intangible "Pursuit of Happiness." Upon completing his historic composition, Thomas Jefferson went back to banging Sally Hemings and writing mysterious books about Jesus.
THURSDAY, JULY 5 Today brought the publication of a brand new Stranger, which featured a thrilling news story by Pat "Manslayer" Kearney exposing the iffy work and social habits of bubbly Evening Magazine host John Curley. (For those who missed it, Kearney's story focused on the multitude of court documents alleging Curley's unfortunate habit of disparaging African Americans and homosexuals.) And while Last Days enjoys good dirt as much as the next fella, we couldn't help feeling a little sorry for smiley ol' John. As a connoisseur of well-timed, well-intentioned, and well-delivered political incorrectness (truly, if we had a dollar for every time we threatened to bind managing editor Min Liao's feet, we could buy her a golden gong), Last Days understands the ugly life that once-charmingly-edgy statements can assume when recorded out of context and in print. But what Curley seems to have ignored in his alleged misdeeds is the importance of contextualization, and mutual disrespect. When Last Days calls Min "Senorita Slantypants," she calls us "Colonel Shitstabber." But in Curley's alleged tongue fumblings--mocking black school kids, firing gay employees--it seems to be strictly a one-way street. Anyway, good luck smiling your way through this mess, Curley. Let us know if you wanna talk.
FRIDAY, JULY 6 Today Last Days had the pleasure of receiving a fax from the Seattle Police Department. Sent from the SPD's Media Relations Unit, the fax proudly announced the Police Department's support of the "Hands Are Not for Hitting" booth in the Stadium Exhibition Center at the All-Star Fan Fest. Inspired by the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women's curriculum, "Violence Free: That's Me!", the booth will encourage Fan Fest attendees to make a commitment to non-violent behavior. Specifically, participants will be asked to trace their own hands and take the following pledge: "My hands are not for hitting, my words are not for hurting." In compliance with the "Hands Are Not for Hitting" agenda, tomorrow a man who may or may not have been Omari Tahir-Garrett will forgo hitting Mayor Paul Schell in the face with his fists, opting instead to use a megaphone.
SATURDAY, JULY 7 Speaking of unfortunate but undeniably intriguing violence, here's a thrilling tale of post-coital carnage from Queen Anne. It was close to 9 pm tonight when 24-year-old Hot Tipper Pedro and his sweet lady Jessie were wrapping up a successful session of heterosexual lovemaking. Upon completion of the deed, the charmingly dorky Pedro leapt to his feet, standing on the bed and punching the air while exclaiming, Homer Simpson-style, "Whoo-hoo!" Sadly, Pedro was standing directly beneath a heavy and precarious glass light fixture, which responded to Pedro's punch by splitting and crashing down upon his face. "It was pretty bad," said the unlucky lover, who wound up with 14 stitches in his forehead. "But considering I was totally naked at the time, things could have turned out much, much worse."
路路Also today: An extremely attentive Hot Tipper questioned our dissing of the lame summer blockbuster A.I. Remembering Last Days' penchant for kids-living-with-dead-parents stories, the wise Tipper wondered why we didn't love A.I., which (spoiler alert!) ends with creepy robot Haley Joel Osment cuddling up to the corpse of his adopted mom. Good question, but one we can't answer; the movie just sucks.
SUNDAY, JULY 8 Today was gorgeous.
Violence free, that's me. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
