The week began with an intriguingly filthy bang, as tonight a diabolical homeland terrorist executed a hideous crime of war against the Seattle Repertory Theatre. Last Days was informed of the atrocity by a highly reliable, and eminently fuckable, source within the zillion-dollar non-profit, who recounted the story thusly: "Tonight, sometime after business hours, someone got into the Rep's main lobby, where, directly under the Rotunda's skylight, they proceeded to take a dump on the carpet, then [fragile readers take cover] rub it in with their hands." Last Days apologizes for recounting this revolting affair. However, the random appearance of poop at the Rep is a mystery too rich to ignore. The primary clue is the rubbing. When considering a pile a human waste, most folks naturally assume the source to be a homeless person, or "hobo"--someone who lacks a proper outlet for waste voidation. But aye, there's the rub, which turns what might have been a basic trespassing/public indecency misdemeanor into a big, brown hate crime. Who can the culprit be? Dubious MacArthur recipient Mary Zimmerman, who decided to leave her shit in the lobby instead of dragging it up onstage? Addled P-I critic Joe Adcock, who mistakenly wandered into the Rep on a dark night, forgot where he was, and mistook the lobby for a Honey Bucket? One of the small handful of local actresses who could've blown the lid off the lead in Proof? We may never know the answer. But whoever's job description required him or her to clean up the crime scene deserves a Purple Heart and a $10,000 bonus.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23
Good news for British potheads: In the first relaxation of Britain's drug laws in 30 years, today British Home Secretary David Blunkett announced that cannabis will be moved from a Class B drug to a Class C drug, placing it in the same category as anti-depressants and steroids, and stripping police of the power to arrest those in possession of it. In his surprise announcement, Blunkett said that drug laws had to be credible, especially to young people. He also conceded that Britain's drug laws lagged far behind the public's attitudes toward pot, and said the reclassification of cannabis will give police more time to go after hard drugs such as heroin and cocaine. The U.K. Times reports that Blunkett will now take his proposal to Britain's Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, which is expected to back the reclassification by next spring.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24
Today: A beguiling tale of freakish girth and misplaced mirth at Pacific Place Cinemas. That's where a 24-year-old woman who wisely wishes to remain anonymous retreated this afternoon, for a matinee screening of the new Drew Barrymore picture, Riding in Cars with Boys. "I knew it was going to be dumb," says our shame-faced heroine. "But I was totally PMS-ing, and all I wanted to do was sit alone in a dark room, cramming my face with popcorn and watching Drew Barrymore do stuff." Rushing into the already-darkened theater, she found a seat just in time to catch the preview for the upcoming Farrelly Brothers movie, Shallow Hal, featuring extensive footage of a tragically obese woman (alternately Gwyneth Paltrow in a fat suit and her legitimately obese body double) creating all sorts of fatso mayhem: sinking a canoe, shaking her big bootie on the dance floor, executing a cannonball from a high dive and causing a seismic splash that lands a fellow swimmer in a tree and extinguishes a flaming barbecue covered with hamburgers. "Now, I hate Gwyneth Paltrow," says our lady. "And I'm not a big fan of fat jokes. But for whatever reason, I was beside myself with laughter. It was like I'd never seen anything funnier in my life. I was pointing at the screen and howling." Only two hours later, when the lights came up, did she realize the full ramifications of her screaming delight. "I looked around and saw there were only six other people in the audience--and every single one of them was obese." Slinking out of the theater, her chin to her chest, our abashed de facto fat basher had only one thought in her head: "I am such a cunt."
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25
Speaking of cunts: Today the Associated Press reported the story of Wolfgang Seifarth, the German tourist arrested for performing oral sex on a woman in Zambia. On trial in the town of Lusaka, Seifarth told a Zambian magistrates court that he did not understand Zambian law, which classifies cunnilingus as sex "against the order of nature." The magistrate said ignorance was no excuse to break the law and sentenced Seifarth to six years of imprisonment with hard labor. Upon reading this item, Last Days was prepared to berate the Zambian government for denying women their God-given right to receive oral sex. But when we remembered that a good number of Zambian women have been relieved of their clitorises, making cunnilingus less of a fiery sexual delight and more like a nice back rub, we decided to save our indignation. In wartime, you must pick your battles.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26
Speaking of picking battles: Today Last Days was forwarded an e-mail sent to Stranger news writer Amy Jenniges from wacky former mayoral candidate Piero Bugoni. (Readers may remember Bugoni from his visionary blurb in the Primary Election Voters' Guide, in which he promised to personally grade local public-school students' homework.) In his bizarre third-party letter, Bugoni complained of a Last Days item recounting a Hot Tipper's story of Bugoni being ousted from a Belltown pub after getting into a fight. According to the fiery Piero, he was neither in a fight nor ejected from the premises. Instead, Bugoni says he was assaulted, then challenged his assailant to "settle the matter outside" (which he claims is legal). Last Days apologizes for so grossly mischaracterizing Bugoni's actions, and we hope he won the fight.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27
Today Reuters reported the heartwarming story of two Ohio men convicted of throwing beer bottles at a woman in a car who were forced to pay for their crime by walking around dressed as women. In an attempt to ease overcrowding at Coshocton County Jail, Municipal Judge David Hostetler ordered Jason Householder, 23, and John Stockum, 21, to walk around downtown Coshocton (population 12,000) for an hour yesterday wearing dresses, wigs, and makeup. (The reluctant drag queens' second option: 60 rape-tastic days in jail.) Cheers to Judge Hostetler for his gender-bending justice, jeers to two more amateur drag queens hitting the streets on Halloween weekend.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28
Today Last Days fell back.
Send Hot Tips to firstname.lastname@example.org