MONDAY, APRIL 26
The week got off to a reprehensible start today when a shaggy-haired man ventured into Seattle sex palace Toys in Babeland and stole a jar containing over $75 in donations for porn star/performance artist/recent fire victim/can't-get-a-break-to-save-her-life goddess Annie Sprinkle. A Babeland staffer reports that the very creepy man had visited the store on Sunday and skulked around in a suspicious manner; late Monday morning he returned (with REI-style Northwest actionwear wrapped around his middle-aged Caucasian body), snatched the jar, and fled on his bicycle. Please join Last Days and the staff of Toys in Babeland on Friday, May 7 at 4:30 pm, in a moment of silent prayer for this man's death. · · · On a much more entertaining note, today the world learned of Sinead O'Connor's ordination as a Roman Catholic priest. In the ultimate gesture of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," the former Pope-photo-ripping songstress was re-christened Mother Bernadette Mary at a ceremony conducted by the breakaway Latin Tridentine church at Lourdes, reports the BBC. Mother Bernadette Mary (fashionably clothed in a dog collar and clerical shirt) plans to continue making music, and Sinead O'Connor now ranks as the nuttiest rock star who's ever lived (sorry, Prince).

TUESDAY, APRIL 27
Eureka! Frat boys are whore-mongering sluts. Today a Florida prosecutor revealed that a University of Florida fraternity will be charged with operating as a brothel, with up to 55 members and pledges facing additional charges over an initiation rite that included sex with strippers, reports Reuters. The alleged incident came to light when one of two strippers hired for the February Delta Chi initiation ceremony told police she was raped by a fraternity member. A subsequent investigation turned up eight hours of videotape showing frat members and pledges tossing money at and having sex with the two women. While Florida state attorneys say it's unlikely the rape charge will be sustained (as the woman had consumed too much alcohol and speed to make her memory of the events credible), the scores of young men caught on tape will be charged with a variety of other crimes, including solicitation and "aiding and abetting," and Delta Chi will be charged with operating "for the purpose of lewdness or assignation." And, as Florida law makes all criminal evidence available to the public once prosecutions are completed, the frat boys' orgy-and-possible-rape tape may reach video store shelves by the end of the year.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28
Wanna piss off a bunch of Seattleites? Just make fun of the Space Needle. Following last week's item dissing that newly designated City of Seattle Landmark, Last Days was accosted by countless miffed locals who resented our lack of respect for the tall, pointy, useless relic. Said one earnest Needle supporter, "Maybe you need to have grown up in the Northwest to fully appreciate the Needle's beauty. Compared to similar structures in Tokyo, Toronto, and London, the Space Needle is the only one that embodies any grace at all." The aesthetically challenged sap went on to say that the Needle would be prettier if it were still painted in its original colors -- dark orange and light orange. Last Days would like to point out that we received more complaints for making fun of the Space Needle than we received for making fun of the war in Kosovo, the trial of Matthew Shepard's killers, and Ronald Reagan's battle with Alzheimer's Disease combined.

THURSDAY, APRIL 29
Tonight breast fans of all stripes gathered at Seattle's Pink Door restaurant for The Bra Show, a breast cancer awareness-raiser which showcased mind-blowing brassiere art from more than two dozen artists and architects. Conceived by twin sisters Ellen and Patti Southard, The Bra Show featured original works commemorating the plight of those with breast cancer, from a collection of bras fashioned from human hair (dedicated to those rendered hairless by chemotherapy) to "The Copper Maiden," a lopsided industrial copper-mesh-and-black-Neoprene creation celebrating "post-mastectomy allure." "Response to the show has been tremendous," says sister Patti, adding that "humor and style are two of the best weapons for dealing with tragedy." The subversive boobwear will be auctioned at the Lake Washington Rowing Club on Saturday, May 8 (with proceeds going to the American Cancer Society), and replicas of the auctioned bras will travel to shows in Chicago, Kentucky, and San Francisco.

FRIDAY, APRIL 30
Today was the Great Gas Boycott -- 24 hours for angry consumers to show the price-gouging oil companies what's what by refusing to purchase one drop of their stinkin', overpriced gasoline (still cheaper in the U.S. than anywhere else in the world). Despite dramatic ambitions, the boycott was only a marginal success: mechanic Dan at the Broadway Chevron (in the heart of the liberal, boycott-friendly Capitol Hill district) reported only a teensy dip in the station's gas sales: they sold 5,100 gallons, down from their usual 5,200 gallons. "A day isn't going to make any difference," said the wise Dan. "If people want to send the oil companies a message, they'll have to park their cars for a month and take the bus." Dan added that whatever losses the station suffered from the boycott on Friday were boosted by increased sales due to boycott preparation on Thursday and Saturday. And the boycott's aggressive e-mail campaign left some potential sympathizers feeling surly. Said one, "If I get one more e-mail message about this damn boycott, I'm buying 10 gallons of gasoline and dumping them in a river."

SATURDAY, MAY 1
Today in Denver, thousands of anti-violence protesters rallied outside the hotel where the National Rifle Association held its annual convention, reports Reuters. City officials had urged the NRA to cancel their conference out of respect for the nearby Columbine massacre, where two high-school losers went nuts with a collection of easily accessible, outrageously powerful guns; the NRA responded by merely scaling back its scheduled three-day meeting to a single day, and by canceling a popular public gun show. Outside the convention, more than 8,000 silent protesters carried signs ranging from provocative ("What do you hunt with an Uzi?") to simple-minded ("Prom or funeral, you decide"), while inside, NRA president/terrifying infomercial host Charlton Heston denied the organization had any influence on the Columbine incident. NRA officials blame the Clinton administration for its lax prosecution of gun-related crimes by minors. (Of the 6,000 gun-related incidents reported in U.S. schools over the past two years, only 15 resulted in prosecution.)
· · · Meanwhile, back in Seattle, scores of hemp advocates, medical marijuana supporters, and plain old potheads hauled their hemp-lovin' butts from Volunteer Park to Westlake Center in the Million Marijuana March. Aimed at promoting the "economic, industrial, and spiritual uses of the Hemp/Marijuana plant, which has not killed a single person in thousands of years" (and publicized by the most extensive chalk-on-the-sidewalk ad campaign in Seattle's history) the march was a big noisy success, leading to heightened awareness, new friendships, and widespread consumption of Pringles.

SUNDAY, MAY 2
For weeks we've been hearing about how kids kill, but today The Seattle Times took us behind the scenes of how kids love. In a fascinating guest column, teenage writers for the Mirror (the Times' youth publication) gave us old folks the lowdown on teen dating, from a lexicon of terms (teens don't "date," they "talk"; and to be "on" someone means you like them) to frank discussion of "the S thing." "Sex is available but not all of us want it," wrote the precocious co-ed Mirror staff, adding this thrilling euphemism (which Last Days prays will become common usage worldwide): "Just because the skis are waxed doesn't mean we're headed to Snoqualmie."

Yo baby, let's head to Snoqualmie. Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com or call the Hot Tips Hotline at 323-7101 ext 3113.