MONDAY, OCTOBER 16 The week kicks off with a relatively small and personal occurrence from the streets of Seattle. Hopefully every citizen knows those moments that warm the heart and lift the spirits like a puppy with a cold Sprite. Opening the mailbox to find a surprise package from a long-lost friend. Discovering a voice-mail message from that fresh special someone you're hoping to tag. Waking up to a kitten lovingly placing its butt on your face. Just such a moment was enjoyed today by Hot Tipper Leah, who was strolling through downtown when she found herself invited into a ménage à trois by a heterosexual and seemingly homeless couple. "It was a lady and her man and I imagine they were just looking for a little morsel to spice up their relationship," writes the lusty Leah, who politely declined the swingsvitation. "Still, it's strange how nice the simple words, 'Hey beautiful lady' can be coming from the toothless mouth of a stranger."
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17 In much, much worse news: Today the worst president in U.S. history laid waste to the nation's most important document, as the freshly signed Military Commissions Act of 2006 effectively decimated the right of habeas corpus while authorizing both "harsh interrogations" and military trials of terrorism suspects. "We will look back on this day as a stain on our nation's history," said Democratic senator Russ Feingold, as the ACLU decried the signing as "one of the worst civil-liberties measures ever enacted in American history." But once again the fiercest blast came from MSNBC's heroic harpy Keith Olbermann, who quickly transformed from a bracing tell-it-like-it-is ass kicker to terrifying prophet of doom. "We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who may now, if he so decides, declare not merely any non-American citizens 'unlawful enemy combatants' and ship them somewhere—anywhere—but may now, if he so decides, declare you an 'unlawful enemy combatant' and ship you somewhere—anywhere... And if you somehow think habeas corpus has not been suspended for American citizens but only for everybody else, ask yourself this: If you are pulled off the street tomorrow, and they call you an alien or an undocumented immigrant or an 'unlawful enemy combatant'—exactly how are you going to convince them to give you a court hearing to prove you are not? This president now has his blank check. He lied to get it. He lied as he received it. Is there any reason to even hope he has not lied about how he intends to use it, or who he intends to use it against?" Or, as constitutional law professor Jonathan Turley put it: "The congress just gave the president despotic powers and you could hear the yawn across the country as people turned to Dancing with the Stars."
>>Speaking of Dancing with the Stars: This morning on The View, DWTS host Tom Bergeron confirmed suspicions that celebrity contestants Mario Lopez and Willa Ford are both dating their dance partners.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18 The week continues with a heartbreaking, stomach-churning story of love gone wrong in New Orleans, with details provided by the Times-Picayune. The protagonists: Zachary Bowen and Addie Hall, a twentysomething couple who reportedly fell in love the night Hurricane Katrina struck and Hall gave Bowen shelter from the storm. Earlier this month, the couple rented an apartment together, but soon had a bitter falling out over Bowen's alleged infidelity, after which Hall announced her plan to boot the no-good cheater from the apartment whose lease bore her name. Then came yesterday, when Bowen leapt to his death from the top of the Omni Royal New Orleans hotel, with the suicide note found on his corpse leading investigators to the couple's apartment, where they found Hall's charred head in a pot on the stove, her legs and feet baked in the oven, and the rest of her dismembered body in the refrigerator. In his five-page suicide note, Bowen claimed he strangled Hall in the bathtub, then dismembered her body before taking it in pieces to the kitchen. In a second note found in the apartment, Bowen wrote, "I scared myself not by the action of calmly strangling the woman I've loved for one and a half years... but by my entire lack of remorse." RIP Addie Hall and her sick-fuck boyfriend.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19 Nothing happened today.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20 The week continues with news of Washington State's first-ever criminal bestiality case. As animal lover lovers will recall, it wasn't until the furor following the fatal fucking of a Boeing employee by an Enumclaw horse that bestiality became illegal in Washington. But since the June implementation of a new animal-cruelty law, bestiality is a felony—a fact being learned the hard way by Michael Patrick McPhail, the 26-year-old Spanaway man charged with animal cruelty after his wife allegedly caught him having intercourse with the family's pit bull. As McPhail's wife told investigators, she happened upon the man-on-dog action on the family's back porch Wednesday night; after snapping a few photos with her cell phone, she called police. The dog—a 4-year-old female and de facto other woman—was taken by animal control, and Michael McPhail was arrested on charges of first-degree animal cruelty. Stay tuned.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count the blowout Genius Awards party at Henry Art Museum, heroically cosponsored by Art Patch, and fully recounted by Stranger writer and slapping-contest winner Paul Constant on page 17, or the hideous instance of public grooming witnessed by Hot Tipper Robert, who was driving north on Aurora Avenue when he saw "a man, backed up against a telephone pole, grimacing. A woman was standing on her tiptoes in front of him, popping the zits on his face. Ek."
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22 The week ends with another Hot Tip involving questionable sexuality on Seattle streets. The setting: A Dumpster near the intersection of Summit Avenue and Olive Way on Seattle's Capitol Hill, where Hot Tipper Mike noticed a cardboard box filled to the brim with home-recorded VHS videotapes. "They were all hand labeled," writes Mikes, who soon discovered the truth of the tapes content. "It was all fat-girl porn. A sample of titles: Delilah (350 lbs) Gets Sexy, Kathy's World (amateur), Strip Poker (starring the Powerbosom Girls). I wish I could've left it at that," says Mike. "But no. I brought Strip Poker home and I'll live forever with the consequences. Imagine three 400-pound ladies sitting around a card table with an ice-cream sundae in the middle. They are all eating hoagies. Then the 'photographer' shows up, the clothes come off, and the images that follow are forever etched into my eyeballs." As for the discarded box of porn: "My theory is some guy's (supersized?) girlfriend found the tapes and got super pissed. What other explanation could there be for a big box of fatty porn in the trash?" Actually, there are numerous alternate explanations, from a garden-variety guilt-ridden porn purge to someone with a fetish for size losing a battle with leukemia. But Mike's furious-girlfriend theory is a good one and only gets better as you imagine the specifics. Was the imaginary girlfriend in question huge and humiliated? Skinny and icked out? Average sized and antiporn? We'll never know. But one fact resonates forever: Confronted by a boyfriend's collection of heavy-girl porn, any woman, of any size, will harbor one question: Are you calling me fat?
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