Our week of pro-corporate propaganda begins with a fiery tale of family, finance, and a forfeited throne from the corporate capital of the Northwest, Redmond. That's where Minoru Arakawa, president of Nintendo of America Inc., abruptly announced his immediate retirement from the company he's served for the past 22 years. In a maddeningly bland press release, the newly former prez said now is "the right time for new leadership," citing Nintendo's financial health and the success of the hot new GameCube for granting him "the opportunity to pursue new endeavors." (FYI: Arakawa is the son-in-law of Hiroshi Yamauchi, president of the Nintendo Co. of Japan--and majority owner of the Seattle Mariners!) In a separate, equally bland press release, Nintendo Co. announced that the new president of Nintendo of America is Tatsumi Kimishima, former chief financial officer of the Pokemon Co., and president of Pokemon U.S.A. Congratulations to new president Kimishima, and best of luck to former prez Arakawa on his "new endeavors."
TUESDAY, JANUARY 8
Speaking of retired presidents: Today brought the death-by-liver-cancer of Dave Thomas, founder of the Wendy's fast-food franchise, perhaps best known as "that old fat guy who's always on my goddamned TV." Adopted at birth, Thomas led a life in which the American Dream--finding wealth and fame despite plain looks and near obesity--came true. After dropping out of high school, Thomas managed some Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets before opening his first Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburgers in 1969. When he died at age 69, Thomas was worth more than $56 million, with over 6,000 Wendy's restaurants scattered across the globe. Even better, Thomas was a generous philanthropist, establishing the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption in 1992, and donating half a million bucks to build a children's shelter in Fort Lauderdale that same year. But despite the triumphs of Thomas' life, the real story is Thomas' death, which leaves Wendy's with the problem that has dogged corporations from KFC to Disney: What do you do when the beloved face of your company kicks the bucket? Taking cues from the aforementioned corporations, Wendy's can either resurrect their dead leader in buoyant cartoon form (à la KFC's rap-happy Colonel) or cryogenically freeze their dead leader and hope for the best (à la Walt Disney). Last Days urges Wendy's to consider merging these two ploys, and resurrect their already frozen dessert treat as a lovable animated character, Frostee the Beige-Flavored Milkshake.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9
Today every news outlet from The New York Times to TV Guide Online reported the "serious discussions" between Showtime and MTV regarding a gay television network the two Viacom subsidiaries may launch within the next 12 months. According to TV Guide Online, programming for the proposed gay network "may include existing and original programs, including gay-hosted talk and music video shows, relationship game shows, and news." Still up in the air, however, is the essential question: What qualifies as "gay programming"? Obviously shows featuring "out" gay stars like RuPaul, Ellen DeGeneres, and that neighbor lady from Married with Children are kosher, but what about gay-ish stars of indeterminate sexual persuasion, such as Bea Arthur, Harpo Marx, and Barney? Or straight-ish stars whose professed heterosexuality is belied by their rampant fagginess, such as Christopher Lowell, Tim Eyman, and those guys from The Man Show? And how about non-denominational programming that appeals primarily to gays and lesbians, such as Olympic-level men's gymnastics and Cagney and Lacey? No one knows. But like all things designed to target and represent "the gay community," the Gay Channel is guaranteed to be confused and confusing, revolutionary and embarrassing, sex-obsessed and simplistic, and deeply entertaining.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
A few weeks back, Last Days had the supreme pleasure of reporting "the single greatest news item" ever to appear in this column--the mind-bending story of the young Japanese woman who froze to death while hunting for the money buried by Steve Buscemi's character in the movie Fargo. Today Last Days received a thrilling follow-up to the Fargo death story from a Hot Tipper named Jim, who informed us that, for Japanese tourists, flying overseas to visit fictional film sites isn't just a freak occurrence--it's nearly a national pastime! In his informed and eloquent e-mail, Jim cites a number of trips offered over the years by the Japanese Travel Bureau, including the Pretty Woman Original Tour (featuring a room at the Regent Beverly Wilshire, a shopping spree by limo on Rodeo Drive, and a makeover at a posh Beverly Hills salon), the Twin Peaks tour (featuring a trek to Snoqualmie Falls), and the Dances with Wolves Journey to the American Frontier (featuring a guided tour of South Dakota and complimentary bags of buffalo jerky). What does this have to do with our corporate theme, you ask? Nothing--but Jim was nice enough to contextualize his tip by revealing his favorite corporation ("Starbucks, for never employing, as far as I know, an impolite barista") and his least favorite corporation ("the Standard Oil Company of California, for, among other things, its opposition to Upton Sinclair's 1934 California gubernatorial bid"). Thanks to Jim for all of his entertaining info.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 11
In honor of corporate week, today Last Days tried to wrap our brain around the impenetrable mess that is Enron. For guidance we turned to our smart friend Josh, who did his best to provide an extemporaneous "Enron for Retards," spitting up such phrases as vertical monopoly and speculative futures markets and thoroughly baffling us. Here's what we could suss out: Enron began with the wholesale delivery of natural gas to homes and businesses, then moved to selling gas and power (as well as TV ads for gas and power) as commodities in the futures market, inflating the worth of their corporation with high-priced stock, and rewarding friends and employees with significantly iffy stock options. (Along the way, Enron gave a bunch of money to George W. Bush's presidential campaign, and was deeply involved in the drafting of the new President Bush's energy policy.) Then all Hell broke loose, with a hurricane of bankruptcy filings, shredded documents, and fired partners, leaving a whole bunch of people broke and angry, and a whole bunch of other people under federal investigation. "Don't worry," says Josh. "No one understands it."
SATURDAY, JANUARY 12
Hey, all you would-be corporate moguls: Today Last Days was blessed with a press release from the communications department of the Invention Submission Corporation, informing us of a hot new product idea currently available for licensing. Designed by an inventor from Kent, WA, the "LEG/KNEE ROLL" is a semi-permanent mattress attachment that allows users to easily elevate their legs while lying in bed, and if the inventor's claims are to be believed, this hot new leg-raising device will soon be de rigueur in hospitals, nursing homes, and assisted living facilities. Investors interested in the "LEG/KNEE ROLL" should contact the Invention Submission Corporation at www.isc-online.com.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 13
The week concludes with a report from the greatest corporation in the world, the United States, whose democratically elected leader made headlines today by fainting after choking on a pretzel. Last Days has nothing to add to this report.
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