The week kicks off with a tale of boobs, drapes, and Attorney General John Ashcroft. Since the 1930s, the Great Hall of the U. S. Department of Justice has been graced by a pair of statues: the Spirit of Justice, a female draped in a toga, and the Majesty of Justice, a male clad in a loincloth. Tired of being upstaged by the huge aluminum semi-nudes, last week Attorney General Ashcroft ordered the installation of massive draperies to conceal the statues' scene-stealing nakedness. Ashcroft's annoyance with the figures came to a boil last November, when major newspapers ran a photo of the stately attorney general with a huge metallic boob over his head. Ashcroft can now rest easy: Today ABC News reported the successful installation of the boob-concealing drapes, at a cost of $8,000.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 29
As if being paid $8 an hour to stand around dressed like a monkey wasn't bad enough: Today a background actor in last summer's Planet of the Apes filed a class-action lawsuit, accusing filmmakers of exposing him and hundreds of other extras to a dangerous special-effects dust in the film's climatic battle scene. The Associated Press reports that actor Jeffrey Clark is charging Fox Entertainment Group with alleged fraud, battery, conspiracy, and negligence, stemming from the studio's use of nearly 80,000 pounds of Fuller's Earth, a sedimentary clay routinely used to produce dust effects in movies. Guidelines for the International Cinematographers Guild recommend limited use of Fuller's Earth in well-ventilated areas by crews wearing proper breathing protection; Jeffrey Clark claims he and hundreds of others were exposed to the dust for 10 to 12 days, six or eight hours a day, as it was blown about to create a cinematic sandstorm. As a result, Clark says he's suffered lingering eye irritation and respiratory ailments, for which he is seeking "unspecified damages."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30
From Planet of the Apes to the field of goats: Today the U.K. Sun told the hilarious, heartbreaking story of the unluckiest man in the world. Several months ago, Stephen Hall, 23, an unemployed chef in the English borough of Hull, strolled from his home to a nearby field, where he encountered a grazing flock of goats. Upon spotting the flock, Hall did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: removed his belt, fashioned it into a lasso, and roped himself a nanny, with which he began to have sex. Unfortunately for Hall, his impromptu goat-bonking was not a private tryst but a public spectacle, catching the eyes of dozens of passengers aboard the packed Hull-to-Bridlington train stopped at a nearby crossing. Within seconds, calls from horrified commuters with cell phones clogged switchboards at Humberside police station; meanwhile, a pair of civilians pinned Hall to the ground until police arrived. (Fun fact: Stephen Hall is openly gay, while the goat is openly female.) Today in Hull Crown Court, Stephen Hall pleaded guilty to a sex charge involving an animal, and proved himself to be that rarest of things, a figure of ridicule with self-respect. "My friends have been giving me a lot of stick," Hall told reporters after the hearing. "They are all joking with me about it." The goat also seems to have emerged unscathed: An examining vet said the animal was "subdued" by the assault but suffered no long-term injury, a diagnosis confirmed by police inspector Dave Crinnion. "I saw the goat the next day," Crinnion told The Sun. "It did not seem too upset. But it is difficult to tell." Stephen Hall faces sentencing on March 13.
·· In other bestial news: Today the Associated Press reported the heartwarming story of Namita Das, the Indian woman spurred by "a combination of maternal and religious feelings" to breast-feed an abandoned baby monkey found by her woodcutter husband in a forest clearing near their home. Hundreds of people have come to witness the chimp suckling at the breast of Das, who says she was moved to perform the motherly act of bestiality by her devotion to the Hindu monkey god Hanuman.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 28
Two weeks ago, Last Days introduced readers to Manuela and Daniel Ruda, the blood-drinking, coffin-sleeping German devil worshippers on trial for the murder of a 33-year-old man the married couple has admitted to luring back to their apartment and sacrificing on an altar of skulls. Today the ruthless, ridiculous Rudas had their final day in court, as a judge in the town of Bochum sentenced Daniel to 15 years and Manuela to 13 years in a psychiatric ward. The Sun offered details of the surprisingly light sentence: Rejecting the victim's parents' call for a life sentence, prosecutor Dieter Justinsky argued that the Rudas are "not the monsters" portrayed in lurid media reports, but "deeply disturbed characters" in need of secure psychiatric care. (The paper also revealed that Manuela met Daniel after responding to his personal ad, which read, "Pitch black vampire seeks princess of darkness who hates everything and everyone." Hubba-hubba.) The judge agreed with the prosecutor's assessment and shipped the Rudas off to the nuthouse, effectively ending the story of Germany's most interesting killers since 98 percent of the population washed the blood off their hands in 1945.
>>Speaking of bloody hands: Today President George W. Bush gave his State of the Union address, in which he called America "strong," old folks "useful," charity "good," terror "bad," and God "near."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 29
Today brought some good news and some bad news. First and foremost, the bad: Today every news source in the world reported on the recovered documents, computer files, diagrams, and photographs revealing how ready al Qaeda is to blow the shit out of Seattle. The good: Today the Seattle P-I reported how Washington State will be the recipient of more $20 million in federal aid to prepare for the bioterrorism attacks that should be happening any minute now.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 30
Like so many citizens only sporadically capable of contemplating potentially apocalyptic current events, today Last Days got very high and went to the movies, enjoying Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums, which is beautifully acted and makes good and frequent use of the most beautiful color in the world, musty pink.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 31
As the cover of this paper boldly proclaims, this is The Stranger's Valentine's Issue, in which we publish each and every valentine our beloved readers send in. To honor this ridiculous promise, today Last Days devotes our entire word count to readers' cris de coeur. AMBER: You really are an angel. Thanks for always putting a smile on my face. 3. VIVA SARITA!!!!!: Sarita es la mejor chica en todo el mundo!!! VIVA VIVA VIVA! Sarita es muy muy bonita y tambien mas lindisima que todo las chicas!!! Viva Sarita, mi Amor!!!!! XXX OOO JJJ. CABALLO: O how you live up to your name. Your size and strength are much appreciated. My life was forever changed the night I found out THE LEGEND IS TRUE. Much love, Chief. NATEY-BATE: A short list of the things I love about you. 1: Your fist. 2: You're always willing for the "C." 3: Your pet hamster. 4: You always smell like a boat launch. Love, Nez. PONGU: I love you for just being you. Thanks for always being there. Wuv, Kim Chee Sandwich. QUENTIN MICHAEL LITTLE: I love you. CA is too far away, come get me please.JAKE: You rule. Send Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com
