School Guide

Dear Pupils, A Note from Your Princi"pal"

School Security

"A's" the E-Z Way

Surviving the Shoot-Out

School Uniforms: Where "Style" Meets "Safety"

Drop and Give Me 20 Ways to Get Involved in Sports

A "Sexy" Student is a Happy Student

"Don't You Do It!"

Senior Popularity: Your Last Chance

Back to School Guide for the Gays

Banned Books: It's a Good Idea

Welcome back, everybody! Did you know when Principal Humphrey first asked me to come to SPAVS in 1998, loyalty and spirit were virtually nonexistent? Disciplinary infractions were spiraling out of control, and when students were asked to share their feelings about the school, over 38 percent said "it sucks dick." That's when I knew I had some work to do!

Rather than ask grownups (they can really be "squares," can't they?) for some tips on how to make our school great, I went straight to the source—the students! Although I'd like to say they had some terrific ideas, I can't—because most chose not to talk to me. So instead, I spent four days watching MTV, dated a sophomore, and came up with some really fab ideas for bringing students together! It's too bad my ideas didn't work out as planned:

"Hippie" Day—Now, in my opinion, this event would've been a total success, had it not ended abruptly with a rash of patchouli poisonings and that campus-wide nude riot.

The 1st Annual SPAVS Co-ed Pajama Party Dance—Again, a really fun event which did bring students "together" …but inadvertently inspired several unplanned pregnancies.

Exchange-Your-Gun-for-a-Musical-Instrument Day—This could have been a peaceful, positive event, but it resulted in an impromptu parade which involved some very inappropriate sexual behavior involving flutes.

As we can see, these events could've been better. However, after much consideration, consultation, and research (all made possible thanks to a generous grant from our school's sponsor, Camel cigarettes), I finally uncovered what we were so desperately missing….

Ask yourself this: What do other schools have that we don't (besides a math program)? An official mascot, that's what! Think about it! Other schools have students dressed as whimsical Bulldogs, Vikings, Saints, and Pirates—whose sole purpose is to rouse their schools to victory! Meanwhile, our mascotless sports teams play to empty bleachers, which leads to boredom-induced riots and looting. The solution is obvious: We need an official mascot—a clear symbol for common strength, teamwork, and school spirit!

Therefore, we're going to start this year off right with our first ever "DESIGN THE STRANGER MASCOT" CONTEST!

I have been working closely with the International Mascot Corporation based in Alberta, Canada (the brilliant firm behind 1998's Pacific Science Center mascot, Harry the Alien) and "All Dressed Up!" of Batavia, Illinois (the cutting-edge team behind "Bubba" the Bulldog and "Kicks" the Kangaroo) to provide our school with inspiration. What follows is a list of potential mascot names they came up with, which will hopefully urge you to dream up a mascot that will represent the proud name of the Stranger Preparatory Academy and Vocational School throughout the next millennium!*

* Note! Please refrain from submitting names like the Redskins, the Squaws, the Injuns, the Whale Killers, the Tommy-Hawk Chuckers, or the Chimichangas—here at SPAVS, we pride ourselves on being a culturally sensitive institution.

"Hammy" the Ham Sandwich
"Eunuch" the Unibrow
"Bouncy" the Perm (sponsored by the JV pom-pom squad)
"Dirty" the Dust Bunny
Guy in a Gorilla Suit
The Fighting Corn Nuts
Honky McWhite (sponsored by ASA, SPAVS' Aryan Students Association)
"Lips" the Monkey (a personal favorite of Principal Humphrey!)

Okay, so those are all stupid ideas. But don't be discouraged! Come up with a better one! Check out the paper to find out how to enter our DESIGN THE STRANGER MASCOT contest, and maybe even win great prizes! Soon, we're going to have the greatest mascot EVER and you'll be cheering,
Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do we ap-pre-ci-ate? The fill in your idea here!! The fill in your idea here!! HURRAH!!!"

We've Got Spirit!