HMMMM... here's an interesting question posed by a concerned I Love Television™ reader: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-me. You like monkeys, right? Well, how do you feel about the fact that there was no 'Best Performance by a Monkey' award on the recent Emmy telecast? Are you mad about this? I AM! Sincerely, Beth Collins. P.S. I want to touch your booty."

Beth brings up an interesting point... I want her to touch my booty, too. But she also brings up another interesting point: Where the hell were the monkeys on the Emmys? Even the most inept TV historian can tell you "the monkey" has provided more entertainment than a host of Tom Sellecks. Especially when they wear clothing! Ohhh, what joy there is to be had when a rowdy ape dashes across a stage on roller skates while dressed in a handsome red jumper. And let's not forget, most chimps possess more acting talent in their big red asses than the entire cast of Frasier!

Regardless! This egregious oversight by the Emmys will... not... stand! While this TV season was peculiarly devoid of cheeky simians, there was one monkey that should have been recognized: the evil Mojo Jojo from The Powerpuff Girls! For those who think you're too goddam sophisticated to watch cartoons, The Powerpuff Girls is about three kindergartners with superpowers who protect the city of Townsville from evildoers (and can be seen on the Cartoon Network, Mon-Thurs at 8:30 and 11:30 pm). While the Powerpuff Girls regularly battle psychotic hillbillies (Fuzzy Lumpkin), evil amoebas (the Amoeba Boys), and alien vegetables (the Brocoloids), there is no greater villain in Townsville than Mojo Jojo, the monkey with an exposed brain the size of a football.

In Mojo Jojo's varied attempts to rule the world, he has turned everyone into dogs, created evil doppelgängers of the Powerpuff Girls (called the Rowdyruff Boys), and in a plan almost too evil to comprehend, hid the girls' baseball after it smashed through his window--and refused to return it! However, the most pleasing aspect of this particular monkey is how he speaks: Instead of jabbering incoherently (an annoying trait in most chimps), he talks in the gruff, halting monotone of a Japanese movie villain. For example, instead of simply saying, "I need some eggs," Mojo Jojo says, "For a nutritious breakfast, TWO eggs is the minimum requirement, and I have but one, which is less than two, and it is TWO that I need. Curses! I must immediately purchase some eggs, for I need to have breakfast, and without the eggs, I cannot have the breakfast that I so require!"

Now that is a goddam brilliant monkey, and the Emmys are a walking bucket of diaper gravy. So to answer your question, Beth, YES! Yes, I am mad! I growl with a sound of displeasure at their shortcomings! I curse the Emmys for ignoring the monkey Mojo Jojo, and many other monkeys, too, but especially the monkey Mojo Jojo! I demand TWO Emmys for Mojo Jojo, which is more than one, as TWO is what I require! And without TWO Emmys, Mojo Jojo cannot fulfill the minimum requirement of that which is minimally required!

Okay, now you can touch my booty.