Jim Walker / WSDOT

God Hates Hanukkah

by Deacon Daniel Savage, Westboro Baptist Church

Thank God for the storm that struck Washington State on Sunday, December 2, 2007!

Awake, Washington! Awake and repent! For the second year IN A ROW, the Almighty God unleashed his righteous anger in the form of a massive wind-and-rain storm upon Washington State! Torrential downpours, hurricane-force winds, livestock drowned, towns destroyed! How many more storms will Almighty God have to send to Washington before you realize that God is punishing you for your wickedness? What part of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS do you people not understand? When will you repent? When are you going to realize that...

GOD HATES HANUKKAH!

"Thou shalt hear the word at my mouth, and warn them from me" (Ezekiel 33:7).

You have been warned, Washington! In December 2006, the same year Christmas trees were removed from your Sea-Tac Airport to silence the protests of unholy men and women who reject Christ, a storm of BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS slammed into Washington State! And in December of 2007, the same year nondenominational "holiday" displays were created for Sea-Tac Airport, ANOTHER massive storm slams into Washington State!

Nondenominational + demon nation = God's wrath!

God hates Hanukkah! And Hanukkah enablers!

Those drowned cows you weep over on the evening news? Those vegetables perishing on trucks marooned on Interstate 5? Those trees uprooted by the storm? They are ALL IN HELL! Yes, HELL! With Matthew Shepard and the victims of the Nebraska mall massacre and the victims of the Minneapolis bridge collapse. Weep bitter tears, America, but God laughs in your face and our church celebrates and welcomes your liquid misery!

Repent and rid your state of dreidels and remove those devilish menorahs from Westlake Center and return Christmas trees to their place of honor in your airport or God will continue to send storms to punish you for your wickedness!

For the Lord God is righteous and angry and He will not be mocked!

Oh Shut Up, You Fool

by Rabbi Eliahu ben Hoftstanders

What? You think that rain was vengeance from your "God" and that malnourished "son" of his? Excuse me while I choke on my latke.

True, my goyish friend, we now are in the middle of Hanukkah, which followed this year's big rainstorm by just a couple of days. Also true is that last year's big-enough-to-be-Biblical storm came just before the festival of lights and was subsequently named, after a public competition that I assure you involved no Jewish conspiracy, the Hanukkah Eve Windstorm of 2006.

But you are more than just spiritually confused, my friend, if you take these two events as proof that either Mr. Christ or his father is punishing Washington State or its Jews.

Where is the practice of our religion not just tolerated but celebrated? Where is the state's largest menorah displayed? It is not in the hick-infested valleys and the floodplains that are home to Wal-Marts and megachurches. No, the Jews of Washington live and worship on city hills, on high ground. We do not live along rivers with silly names such as Chehalis.

I mean really, my friend, read your Old Testament: The last Jew to float down a swollen river was Moses—and he did so in a comfy wicker basket, a far cry from all this plywood and water-wing flotation that your shivering Christian "brothers" from the sticks have been resorting to of late.

Now ask yourself: What kind of God would, two years in a row, on the eve of Hanukkah, pour rain down upon this state as if it were a plague, blow a wind strong enough to tear down trees, and make life miserable for everyone but the urban elite (read: my people)?

He would be a vengeful God, wouldn't he? A jealous God. The kind of God who would part the Red Sea and let the Israelites pass and then drown Pharaoh and his soldiers. He would be one angry father of all sons of bitches, wouldn't he? And what would he be angry about? I will tell you: the same thing that angered him back in the days of the Pharaoh. The abuse of the Jewish people—in this case by Christians who seem to think Christmas is some sort of national month-long festival that must be observed by all, Christian or not, even at an airport that must be used by all.

My friend, these storms are the work of an angry God, but he is not your God. I will not speak his true name, but I will write it down for you so you can remember who to cower before next December: Yahweh, motherfucker, Yahweh. And these storms are not Yahweh's way of protesting Hanukkah, but of celebrating Hanukkah.

Happy holidays!