In every single interview he's done to promote the film of his "unauthorized autobiography," Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Chuck Barris has been asked whether or not he was really a CIA assassin. And in every single interview, he has refused to answer... until now.

Perhaps in order to ensure as big an opening as possible for the film of his life, Barris--ever the showman--is finally going on the record with his past as a hit man for the U.S. government. The news is chilling.

Mr. Barris, were you or were you not a CIA operative and assassin throughout the 1960s and 1970s?

Damn straight I was.

Whom did you kill?

Oh, are you kidding? I killed tons of guys. I did Guevara. Now he was tough, had me running through the goddamn jungle for almost a week. I got Kennedy--Bobby Kennedy. Too bad, too, 'cause he seemed like a nice fella. Jesus, who else? I can't lay claim to Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. Those were somebody else's jobs. Thank God. To be honest, I don't know if I could have killed those two. But I got Allende, Lumumba, King Faisal of Saudi Arabia... and lots of people you never heard of. These are just the big names. I can't even remember them all.

Why did you stop?

Five words: Executive Order 12333 of 1981. Commander in chief says no more political assassinations, Chuck Barris knocks off the political assassinations. That's just the way I play it. [Reaches over to turn off tape recorder.]

Do you have any regrets?

Regrets? Sure. I regret that I put two in Ronald Reagan's chest and the bastard came out the most popular president since Roosevelt. The balls on that clown!

Is that all?

Well, no. I also regret not owning The Gong Show Movie. Signed the rights away in a moment of complete fantasia 'cause I was so desperate to get that fucker made. Thought it might turn things around. That's why you can't find it on video these days. The goddamn A-number-one Charlie jagoff bastards who own it are nowhere to be found. I don't even have a motherfucking print!

Can I ask why you've decided to break your silence after so long?

I wanted to do it in a paper like The Stranger, where I could be sure it wouldn't be taken seriously. But I like you guys. You're like The Gong Show of newspapers.

[Note: The editor refuses to disclose whether or not this interview actually took place.]